There are things that I have now that when I was young I never had and therefore never worried about. As a teenager and in my twenties I dreamt of a house, a husband, a job, and kids. I had huge goals of the type of person that I would be, the kind of life that I would lead, and the things that I would do.
We live in a country where we can do that. Where going to college is something that every person can do if they want to. That we can think of a profession or a job and if it's really what we want to do we can almost always find a way to make it happen.
We literally live in a huge world of choices and opportunity.
And most of the time we take it for granted. Most times, having so many choices makes us unwilling to make a choice in case we are wrong, or God forbid, someone holds us accountable for our choices.
The problems that we have in our lives (well, these are kind of specific to mine) are "Hey, I wanted to get new shoes because the brown ones that I have are kind of beat up" or "I have to pay back my student loan starting the first of the year" or " My job title is System Administrator Intermediate I really should be a System Administrator Senior" or "My teenager is driving me nuts I really wish I could give him to someone else until he grows out of this phase" or "I left my cell phone at home" or......insert your issue here.
In our lives, we have expectations. Life should be fair. I deserve that job that pays more, I deserve a big house for my family. I should be healthy I eat right and exercise. I need that car, tv, computer, cell phone, vacation.....again, fill in your "need" here.
What I have come to realize in my own selfishness is that everything that I have, I have because I lucked into it. I was born in a fair, stable, most people aren't starving to death country. To amazing parents who did the best that they could, married a wonderful man and adopted a great kid.
I have two cats and two dogs. I have a job that allows me to have credit cards and let's me pay for my college education. Oh, wait, I have a college education. I live in one of the best medical communities in the United States so my life was saved by a transplant almost 4 years ago.
I didn't provide any of this for myself. I lucked into living where I live, having the family that I have, and being able to get great medical care.
I think that sometimes we misunderstand what we are really entitled to. Clean water, food, a safe place to sleep and live. Those are basic human needs. Anything beyond that and we should stop our complaining.
I am a perfect example of this. I constantly want better than what I have, which in some cases allows me to grow, and have goals, and expand my knowledge and experience. On the other hand this discontent can also affect the people around me when my expectation is of perfect at every given moment and never about being content with where I am at. Most times the expectations that I have for myself are even higher.
We most times don't want to work for anything. I mean really, really work.
Consider this, people in Africa that are farmers consider it an honor to grow food for themselves because otherwise they would starve, and so would most of their village and family. Think about the fact that these same people don't have running water, or electricity, or phones, or a TV.
That the majority of their day is spent, surviving. But that they are joyful and grateful, because they are alive. How many of us would get up at 4am to work all day until the sun went down. Then walk 2 miles each way to get clean water to drink, fix rice for dinner, and then sleep for 8 hours to get up and do it all again? And do it with determination, joy, and to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others?
It's hard for any of us to know what it is to live that life or even anything remotely close to it. Our lives are lived in convenience. Even the poorest of us.
It's not always fair to compare yourself to others, but in most cases if it will humble us out and allow us to be grateful for anything we have it's well worth it.
I need to look around me and stop complaining. I need to be grateful and gracious with my giving of money, time, and love, because I started off with so much of that to begin with.
I need to realize that my life has an affect on others and that I have a choice as to how my love, words, and actions affect them.
And I need to try and narrow down what I actually need. Realize how much overflow I have, and not only be grateful but be giving in sharing with others.
Live a life of impact by living a life of gratitude that encourages you to share all that you have with those who need it most. That is a goal I can be proud of, and happy with.
Much love.
K
Friday, November 22, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Married Romance......
My husband bought me a chest freezer today. Then we went to Costco, got a membership and went shopping. It's one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever done for me.
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Welcome back FieryRedhead
So it will be two months since my last blog post tomorrow. I figured that I had enough time away from writing to the public to come back and hopefully write something of substance. You see, I only write when I am affected greatly by something, be it spiritually, emotionally, or physically. My need to write typically doesn't come in the positive times in my life.
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Perspective - A reposting......
I was going to write a new blog post today - since it's my spiritual birthday - but then I re-read this one and felt that I had said everything I needed to say about my love for God, and for people, here.
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I'm Not Filled Up
I'm not filled up with love right now. A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down. My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom! And I've been that person temporarily at times. But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave? I am broken in this way. Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that. Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships. There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong. At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it. So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people. Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed. I am not a project to be completed. I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can. He will. And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time. When? I don't know. But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment. This is emotion. Pure and simple.
This is pain. This is life. This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute. Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed. I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me. God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing. God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are. Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore. People that I love. People that mean so very, very much to me. Please be patient. Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God. Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love. And we all succeed when that happens.
In love,
K
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom! And I've been that person temporarily at times. But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave? I am broken in this way. Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that. Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships. There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong. At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it. So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people. Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed. I am not a project to be completed. I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can. He will. And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time. When? I don't know. But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment. This is emotion. Pure and simple.
This is pain. This is life. This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute. Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed. I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me. God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing. God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are. Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore. People that I love. People that mean so very, very much to me. Please be patient. Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God. Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love. And we all succeed when that happens.
In love,
K
Monday, July 15, 2013
Are you there God? It's Me, Kris.
Yes, for those of us that are Judy Blume fans, that sounds familiar, and I stole it for my post this time because it seems to be exactly where I am right now. I have accomplished a goal that I set out to finish 12 years ago. I am graduating with a Bachelors Degree. This should be a big deal! This should be something I brag about and celebrate, right? The weird thing is, I'm not even sure how I got here. Or where I'm supposed to go now. I've spent so long trying to accomplish this goal, that I'm not sure how to respond to actually doing it. It feels like so much happened along the way that this, by comparison, isn't that big a deal.
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Friday, July 5, 2013
The World Owes Me.....Nothing.
In my head life has some extremely opposing dynamics. I go between being incredibly grateful for the life that I have to crying on my bedroom floor because I don't always get what I feel I deserve. So in reality, I really haven't grown so far away from the 16 year old me that pouted when she didn't get her way.
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
Monday, July 1, 2013
When I want what I want, and not what I need.
The human impulse system is credibly strong, for food, for interaction, for love. But when do impulses become dangerous? Be they physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know. But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving. Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem. And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person. I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing. But how do you know when it becomes dangerous? When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth. So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart. But why? Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time. To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray. God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself. So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't. At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth. The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb. Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process. I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible. But it is. It really and truly is. It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible. I know. I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win. I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes. But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want. I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that, I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him. Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can. Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.
K
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know. But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving. Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem. And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person. I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing. But how do you know when it becomes dangerous? When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth. So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart. But why? Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time. To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray. God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself. So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't. At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth. The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb. Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process. I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible. But it is. It really and truly is. It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible. I know. I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win. I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes. But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want. I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that, I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him. Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can. Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.
K
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
When did I become this person?
There are moments in life when you look around and wonder how you got there.
It happened to me when I got sick as a child and I couldn't understand why everyone else was so afraid.
It happened when I fell in love for the first time and months later got kicked to the curb.
It happened when I figured out how intelligent God made me.
It happened when I also figured out that emotionally I picked up on things incredibly quickly.
It happens quite honestly a lot.
As I got older, I looked around and wondered how people could do certain things without the emotional pain that I felt when I watched them do them. I wasn't even involved but somehow I knew that certain buttons were pushed and emotions would happen. This isn't and wasn't something to brag about. It hurts and it can be a heavy load carrying around your own feelings and the many feelings that others have around you.
I could see when someone was out of control angry, I could see when someone was incredibly hurt, and I could see when silence wasn't comfortable or when someone couldn't process their own feelings.
When I was younger, I hated this ability. I would lash out with my own feelings to just get people to stay away from me so that I didn't absorb theirs.
As I got older I used the ability to control people's feelings and either use or hurt them.
Now, I realize that this is a gift to help people and to show compassion and love to people who have a hard time accepting it. And I give it whether they accept it or not.
This is not always easy. Sometimes my feelings lead me to places that I need to turn around and smartly walk away from, sometimes my feeling are hurt by the same thing over and over again, and sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I have to shut myself away so that I don't almost literally have my head explode.
It's taken years to understand, and I still don't quite have it down. Especially when it comes to figuring out my own feelings from someone else's. It's incredibly easy for me to feel someone else's pain, or fear, or intensity and make it my own, until I realize that it's not. But I do have a barometer, I do have the Holy Spirit to take a step back from all of these feelings and remind me that my heart can be deceitful, and sometimes other people's hearts can be too.
I use the standards in the Bible to set boundaries in my life not just because it is the living and active word of God, but also because it allows me to see the person that I am, the person that God intended me to be and not the person who constantly steps back and says "when did I become this person?"
I have spent so much time and energy pushing to understand the feelings and thoughts of others because it is a gift, and God intends for me to use it for His purpose. However, there are many times where it can hurt me and others if not kept within the boundaries that He set. It has always been very hard to control and sometimes my feelings or other people's can sweep me away.
But I hold fast to the rock steady rhythm of the pulse of God that runs through me, I pray for the ability to see past my heart, feelings and my own thoughts and others to what amazing things are in store for me and the people that I love. I remember that all of the good that comes from those feelings and the growth from the not so good feelings serve a purpose for someone, even if not for me.
So when did I become THIS person? The minute that I said yes to Christ and all the goodness that he has given me. Every day I wake up and make mistakes and mess up because that is what we all do. But every day I have the chance to make choices to honor God, to honor those around me and to love them and their feelings regardless of what they are. I hope that I keep on growing to become a better person, regardless of situations, circumstances, or pain.
There are plans for me, and for you, even if we don't yet know where we are being lead. I now realize that every day I should be asking "when did I become this person?" so that I can remember the amazing path that I took to get here.
It happened to me when I got sick as a child and I couldn't understand why everyone else was so afraid.
It happened when I fell in love for the first time and months later got kicked to the curb.
It happened when I figured out how intelligent God made me.
It happened when I also figured out that emotionally I picked up on things incredibly quickly.
It happens quite honestly a lot.
As I got older, I looked around and wondered how people could do certain things without the emotional pain that I felt when I watched them do them. I wasn't even involved but somehow I knew that certain buttons were pushed and emotions would happen. This isn't and wasn't something to brag about. It hurts and it can be a heavy load carrying around your own feelings and the many feelings that others have around you.
I could see when someone was out of control angry, I could see when someone was incredibly hurt, and I could see when silence wasn't comfortable or when someone couldn't process their own feelings.
When I was younger, I hated this ability. I would lash out with my own feelings to just get people to stay away from me so that I didn't absorb theirs.
As I got older I used the ability to control people's feelings and either use or hurt them.
Now, I realize that this is a gift to help people and to show compassion and love to people who have a hard time accepting it. And I give it whether they accept it or not.
This is not always easy. Sometimes my feelings lead me to places that I need to turn around and smartly walk away from, sometimes my feeling are hurt by the same thing over and over again, and sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I have to shut myself away so that I don't almost literally have my head explode.
It's taken years to understand, and I still don't quite have it down. Especially when it comes to figuring out my own feelings from someone else's. It's incredibly easy for me to feel someone else's pain, or fear, or intensity and make it my own, until I realize that it's not. But I do have a barometer, I do have the Holy Spirit to take a step back from all of these feelings and remind me that my heart can be deceitful, and sometimes other people's hearts can be too.
I use the standards in the Bible to set boundaries in my life not just because it is the living and active word of God, but also because it allows me to see the person that I am, the person that God intended me to be and not the person who constantly steps back and says "when did I become this person?"
I have spent so much time and energy pushing to understand the feelings and thoughts of others because it is a gift, and God intends for me to use it for His purpose. However, there are many times where it can hurt me and others if not kept within the boundaries that He set. It has always been very hard to control and sometimes my feelings or other people's can sweep me away.
But I hold fast to the rock steady rhythm of the pulse of God that runs through me, I pray for the ability to see past my heart, feelings and my own thoughts and others to what amazing things are in store for me and the people that I love. I remember that all of the good that comes from those feelings and the growth from the not so good feelings serve a purpose for someone, even if not for me.
So when did I become THIS person? The minute that I said yes to Christ and all the goodness that he has given me. Every day I wake up and make mistakes and mess up because that is what we all do. But every day I have the chance to make choices to honor God, to honor those around me and to love them and their feelings regardless of what they are. I hope that I keep on growing to become a better person, regardless of situations, circumstances, or pain.
There are plans for me, and for you, even if we don't yet know where we are being lead. I now realize that every day I should be asking "when did I become this person?" so that I can remember the amazing path that I took to get here.
Monday, June 10, 2013
That place between black and white
Typically I post on my blog about the positive side of things, or the negative but with the perspective of a woman who is very much loved by God and has the strength through him to live through and survive anything.
My whole life has been a series of decisions that for me were always so black and white, or so I thought. When I look back now, and even in times now I see how I can take something incredibly simple and make it incredibly complicated. Sometimes the black and white that I see isn't just tinged in gray, it is submersed in gray. I used to think that this was a bad thing, that gray areas couldn't be possible because black and white to me were the same as right and wrong.
Let's face it; I don't like to be wrong.
And yet, the older that I get, the more that I see the need for black, white, and gray. Translation, right, wrong, and compromise.
Don't get me wrong, God's word is always right. That isn't a part of this discussion, it's just the truth. And the majority of the times, most people know the other sides of that coin, we all have a conscience that tells us when things are wrong, that is God given as well.
But that gray area sometimes gets a bad rap. Many people, me included can see the in-between places not just as scary but as a copout zone. And in certain cases that is absolutely true, when we make excuses instead of being accountable, when we won't take a side because we are afraid of judgment or of someone not liking us.
But when you look more closely at parts of the gray area of life, this is where compromise is born, and compromise in relationships, in love, in life, in understanding is absolutely necessary.
The gray area is also where grace resides, where we show love to each other when we make a mistake, where we are given permission by God to forgive ourselves because he has already forgiven us. Where Godly sorrow takes us to a place where we can change instead of feeling guilty, where grace resides and pride is put away.
I think that if you see everything in black and white you can sometimes get stuck there. That suddenly instead of seeing a mistake you see someone's flaws so clearly that love and compassion no longer exist. Sometimes we forget that we've been given the gift of love, caring, and relationships with so many amazing people and instead of showing that vulnerable part of our heart, we judge.
We judge ourselves, others, situations, and anyone else that doesn't agree with our belief or who doesn't see the world as we do.
I think that some of my best moments in life were when I surrendered to the gray, when I surrendered to pure unadulterated love, when I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with compassion for someone I didn't even like.
Life surprises you sometimes by growing you in confusion and helping you to find exactly what you were meant to in that moment.
Black and white are necessary, as are right and wrong and knowing the difference, but real life and real experiences, and real growth happen within the gray where you don't really know what to do, but you trust God to show you.
K
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I love my husband
Every person that I know that is married goes through phases in their marriage. Sometimes its the my spouse is so amazing I can't stand how much I love this person, sometimes its the I'm going to give them what they want to that they will stop bugging me, sometimes its the we need to give each other space so that the hurt can lessen so that we can talk about it phase.
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward. For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work. It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be not who you want them to be. Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it. It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap. Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes. Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like. These things are what we do out of love for our spouse. Marriage is about commitment. Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose. Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse. I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:
He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad. He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.
I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him. What is the special celebration? Why post this now? Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be. And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.
I love you Eric.
K
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward. For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work. It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be not who you want them to be. Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it. It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap. Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes. Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like. These things are what we do out of love for our spouse. Marriage is about commitment. Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose. Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse. I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:
He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad. He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.
I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him. What is the special celebration? Why post this now? Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be. And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.
I love you Eric.
K
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Choices
Proverbs 8 has always been one of my favorite things to read, especially when I am in the middle of making a decision between right and wrong, a choice that could really change my life for better or worse, mainly because the entire thing is about wisdom, God's and not mine, and it reminds me every time that everything I need to know, all that God is trying to protect me from and encourage me to choose is there if I chose to hear it.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
2 At the highest point along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
3 beside the gate leading into the city,
at the entrance, she cries aloud:
4 “To you, O people, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
5 You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
7 My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
9 To the discerning all of them are right;
they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
10 Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
2 At the highest point along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
3 beside the gate leading into the city,
at the entrance, she cries aloud:
4 “To you, O people, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
5 You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
7 My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
9 To the discerning all of them are right;
they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
10 Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
12 “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have insight, I have power.
15 By me kings reign
and rulers issue decrees that are just;
16 by me princes govern,
and nobles—all who rule on earth.[b]
17 I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
18 With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
19 My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
20 I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
21 bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
I possess knowledge and discretion.
13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have insight, I have power.
15 By me kings reign
and rulers issue decrees that are just;
16 by me princes govern,
and nobles—all who rule on earth.[b]
17 I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
18 With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
19 My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
20 I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
21 bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
22 “The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,[c][d]
before his deeds of old;
23 I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
24 When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
when there were no springs overflowing with water;
25 before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
26 before he made the world or its fields
or any of the dust of the earth.
27 I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
28 when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
29 when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
30 Then I was constantly[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
before his deeds of old;
23 I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
24 When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
when there were no springs overflowing with water;
25 before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
26 before he made the world or its fields
or any of the dust of the earth.
27 I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
28 when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
29 when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
30 Then I was constantly[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
32 “Now then, my children, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.
34 Blessed are those who listen to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
35 For those who find me find life
and receive favor from the Lord.
36 But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
all who hate me love death.
blessed are those who keep my ways.
33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.
34 Blessed are those who listen to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
35 For those who find me find life
and receive favor from the Lord.
36 But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
all who hate me love death.
One of the reasons I love to read this is because it is the most beautiful description of what the wisdom in my life should look like. That the choices that I make influence the person that I am and the person I will become. That things that seem like a big deal, don't really have to be, they are much more simple than I like to make them. That sometimes the small choices that I make are full of meaning, to love when someone is unlovable. To set boundaries when something will not be to God's glory, to show my husband respect. How to be wise with my words, my actions, my silence. How to look at a situation and see it as I should and not how I want to. To be grateful for the ability to choose wisdom.
Because let's face it, in this life you make choice after choice after choice. You won't always make the right one, and sometimes you won't want to make the right one. But regardless, wisdom is there if you look for it, search it out, or even just read Proverbs 8. The amazing thing about choices is that we have them. That we can choose to use them as we wish, we can overcome the most amazing things if we chose light over darkness, if we decide to use the choices that we are given to better the lives of others, to make ourselves into the creatures we are capable of being, and to even in small ways affect other people and situations.
Wisdom is an amazing thing, it out weighs feelings, attitudes, and perspective. When used it can change a world that is hurting, or just a person that needs to hear the love and truth within it.
I pray for the wisdom described above, and that I choose to use it to the purpose God has set me to, regardless of what that might mean for me. I wish that wisdom for you as well.
In love,
K
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Intent and the Heart
What I find at the age of 41 and the spiritual age of 2 and a half is that it isn't the big things that throw off my way of thinking or the intentions of my heart. It's the little ones. Throw chronic illness, and emotional trauma my way and I can handle it with God's help. I pray, I surrender the whole thing right over to God. I don't think twice, I know that the big stuff I just can't handle on my own.
But the little stuff. Wow. It gets me every time. Someone slamming a door in my face. Someone telling me that I'm not smart enough. My son preferring his TV to spending time with me. My husband not telling me that he loves me for two days.
None of these things reflect truth in reality. I know that someone would not purposefully slam a door in my face. I know that I've been blessed with intelligence (if not always common sense), I know that my son loves me but it's not really cool to hang out with your mom at 15, and I know with every ounce of my being that my husband loves me more and more every day and will be with me in the world until the day that one of us doesn't live here any longer.
But that heart of mine just doesn't want to believe it.
The intention of my heart is always to serve God, to put others before myself, to live a pure and righteous life. But my heart deceives me every time and being a highly emotional person that can be a destructive force in my life. I want to love unconditionally, but I've certainly got a lot to learn about it. I want to give my everything to God's purpose but trusting God's plan for me is so hard. I am a show it to me kind of girl, which makes faith and trust a hard thing in all parts of my life.
One word. That is all it takes. One word.
That word can lift me up for hours or cast me down for days depending on what it is. So when I say the small stuff, apparently they are so small to me.
I am learning not to define my security or myself by what other people think, but when you love people with your whole heart and soul it's so hard to not do that.
Being vulnerable means getting hurt and getting hurt is not a fun thing.
I read an article today about a man pursuing God in his life and he had this to say:
"So it happened. In a moment of quiet, I experienced God.
The Divine exists as an infinite ocean of energy, an expanse of pure golden light so brilliant that it almost appears white. The love that was emanating and pulsating was so encompassing that language cannot adequately describe it. In fact my mind was too limited to understand. Yet my heart was infinitely expansive enough to feel it all. This energy is free of judgment and expectation, fully encompassing and embracing of all that is, and unconditional in its expression. There are no checklists, rules, or criteria to which one must conform. My life, my perceived mistakes, misfires and shortfalls were enough. I was enough. In fact, I was perfect."
I have experienced this exact feeling, and yet........
In my heart and my head on a daily basis I feel so far from perfect. I beat myself up. I tear myself down, and I let others do it too. My heart takes quite a beating. But this thought that I am loved exactly as I am that I am ENOUGH. That I am PERFECT in God's eyes just made me sob.
I just can't understand what he sees, because I can't yet see it. But that doesn't mean that I won't. God will reveal my perfection as I grow in this life, through loving people, through giving, through allowing others to love me. By experiencing pain, and sorrow. But that thought of how God sees me will see me through I don't have to believe that he loves me that much it's just true.
So when I am struggling with the intentions of my heart, I will look to the love that is given to me, fill myself up on it and go on in joy. I was not promised a life without suffering, but I was also promised a life of love.
Praise God for showing me exactly what my heart needs to know.
K
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Love in two perspectives, Two halves of Kris
Often I am ruled by my emotions. Completely and utterly. My heart provides me immense joy and passion and it provides me utter despair and pain. The gift of my intelligence and the spark of my personality are often the destructive forces to my sanity.
Commitment is a word used with disdain and a concept that many laugh at especially when it comes to love. I take it so seriously that I lose myself sometimes in putting forth the effort it requires. Part of me is angry that I love so much I give my all and the other part is ashamed to only give some and not all.
I have never been a person that set boundries well. I have always given and given until it hurt.
Then one day I stopped. I started a new phase of my life where I stood for myself alone. I listened to only my own thoughts and opinions and I went and did only what I thought was right. I had no standard but my own and my standard was full of selfishness, pride, immediate gratification, and self satisfaction. Only now do I look back and realize that I built that world of my own for protection from pain, to toughen myself up to the point of not caring, to stop the hurt. Honestly to just be left alone. Lonliness was easier than pain.
Only as I have gotten older, as I have started my relationship with God have I looked into why my innocent young self gave so much to people. Because that is how I was supposed to be. I was built to give, I was built to love, and God gave me strength to survive that love.
Strange I know that I would use the word survive in the same sentence as the word love, but that is sometimes what I do in my relationships with those I love most, I survive.
Love is a risk, not a calculated and thought out risk, a dive in and thrive, throw caution to the wind, commit and don't look back affair. Love is amazing and wonderful but it contains the ability to tear you to pieces. The question is, how do you put yourself back together after it does? By hiding, building a wall, staying away from relationships because they force you to grow, to expand, to build more love?
Or do you suffer and in your suffering become more aware of your capacity to love? Do you look to God and ask him to fill you back up when you are empty? Do you take your feelings about love and set them aside so that you can begin to actually experience love again?
Do you study out love? Do you study the people that you love to love them better? Do you love without regard as to how it is taken or how you may be hurt?
Do you love only those that you deem lovable, or do you push and stretch yourself to love those that you can't stand to be around?
For me love has always been an all in concept. A commitment. Til death do us part not just in marriage but in friendship and family relationships as well. I thought that I was strange to want to love this way, I thought that love being hard was a reflection of my failure and not a reflection of my success. I was wrong.
My ability to continue to be hurt because I want love that is real, and true, and sacred is the love that will carry my through this life. My heart being vulnerable will cause me to struggle endlessly, but it will also allow me to love in ways that I never thought possible and experience joy that does not end. Getting my feelings hurt strengthens me but not in the way that I originally intended, not to be strong and carry on, but to be weak and allow God to carry me on.
The hurt heart of Kris is the best one, because it keeps going along and hurting but learning and growing and expanding in the process allowing it to love more deeply. Those moments of clarity about love and how right it is to keep loving can be few and far between in this world. Praise God this is not the only world I will live in and that this world is not my forever home. This world is where I practice loving so that as I get better and better at it God will fill me with more and more to share and give to others.
Amen for when that day comes. It's closer and closer every moment. I am more and more loved every second. I am less and less scared all the time.
Kris
Commitment is a word used with disdain and a concept that many laugh at especially when it comes to love. I take it so seriously that I lose myself sometimes in putting forth the effort it requires. Part of me is angry that I love so much I give my all and the other part is ashamed to only give some and not all.
I have never been a person that set boundries well. I have always given and given until it hurt.
Then one day I stopped. I started a new phase of my life where I stood for myself alone. I listened to only my own thoughts and opinions and I went and did only what I thought was right. I had no standard but my own and my standard was full of selfishness, pride, immediate gratification, and self satisfaction. Only now do I look back and realize that I built that world of my own for protection from pain, to toughen myself up to the point of not caring, to stop the hurt. Honestly to just be left alone. Lonliness was easier than pain.
Only as I have gotten older, as I have started my relationship with God have I looked into why my innocent young self gave so much to people. Because that is how I was supposed to be. I was built to give, I was built to love, and God gave me strength to survive that love.
Strange I know that I would use the word survive in the same sentence as the word love, but that is sometimes what I do in my relationships with those I love most, I survive.
Love is a risk, not a calculated and thought out risk, a dive in and thrive, throw caution to the wind, commit and don't look back affair. Love is amazing and wonderful but it contains the ability to tear you to pieces. The question is, how do you put yourself back together after it does? By hiding, building a wall, staying away from relationships because they force you to grow, to expand, to build more love?
Or do you suffer and in your suffering become more aware of your capacity to love? Do you look to God and ask him to fill you back up when you are empty? Do you take your feelings about love and set them aside so that you can begin to actually experience love again?
Do you study out love? Do you study the people that you love to love them better? Do you love without regard as to how it is taken or how you may be hurt?
Do you love only those that you deem lovable, or do you push and stretch yourself to love those that you can't stand to be around?
For me love has always been an all in concept. A commitment. Til death do us part not just in marriage but in friendship and family relationships as well. I thought that I was strange to want to love this way, I thought that love being hard was a reflection of my failure and not a reflection of my success. I was wrong.
My ability to continue to be hurt because I want love that is real, and true, and sacred is the love that will carry my through this life. My heart being vulnerable will cause me to struggle endlessly, but it will also allow me to love in ways that I never thought possible and experience joy that does not end. Getting my feelings hurt strengthens me but not in the way that I originally intended, not to be strong and carry on, but to be weak and allow God to carry me on.
The hurt heart of Kris is the best one, because it keeps going along and hurting but learning and growing and expanding in the process allowing it to love more deeply. Those moments of clarity about love and how right it is to keep loving can be few and far between in this world. Praise God this is not the only world I will live in and that this world is not my forever home. This world is where I practice loving so that as I get better and better at it God will fill me with more and more to share and give to others.
Amen for when that day comes. It's closer and closer every moment. I am more and more loved every second. I am less and less scared all the time.
Kris
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
What is love?
I have a multitude of friends from different walks of life, different backgrounds, different personalities, and different religions. I have friends that are 16 years old and friends that are in their seventies. I have friends that have different political beliefs, different societal beliefs and different thought processes. The one thing that every one of my friends has in common is that they all believe in love.
Now when I say that they believe in love that doesn't just mean the amazing, gooey, wonderful stuff. It also means the heart wrenching, hurts so much I'm not so sure I'm going to make it kind.
I believe in the sanctity of love, some people will read that and equate it with marriage, I do too, but when I talk about the sanctity of love, marriage is not the only thing that comes to mind. My love for God, my love for my son, my love of the people in my life that not only comfort me but challenge me, those things come to mind too.
Love is directly related to truth for me, and at the same time I can't believe that love isn't something completely supernatural. Unconditional love is something that I strive for every day but isn't something that I am always successful at.
It's so easy to "fall in love", or say that you love someone or something. This at times makes love not as magical or amazing as it is meant to be. This is something that I utterly adore about my husband. He only says those words when he really means it. Not because I said it first, not because I need to hear it but because he genuinely means it, which makes it that much more special.
I think that we all equate words with love, and of course words can convey love. So can silence, so can holding hands, so can acts of kindness that you weren't expecting. A friend who always shows up, a person that tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want. Someone who loves you enough to see that you could be hurting yourself and others with your words or actions and tells you so.
All people see love differently. All people need it. Writers and artists and philosophers have used it as a subject for years. Hollywood movies use it as a continual subject. But most times it's about the fun falling in love part, or the passionate painful love, very rarely is it about the enduring, tenderness that transcends all else and overcomes the worst of fates and circumstances.
Very few times is agape love (unconditional love) talked about. Love is not just good feelings and hugs. Love is messy, and dirty, and scary, and hard. Love is completely worth it.
Without love (and for me the love of God that fills me), I am a shell. I am faking it through life to always find the elusive love that I need instead of seeing it in the people around me without Him.
I once had a friend that I used to sit and talk to at a coffee shop in downtown Pittsburgh. We used to sit in the window seat and people watch to find everything wrong with the people that walked by, it was easy. Then one day we decided to change the game, we started looking for things that we liked about each person. That took some creative effort, it started with shallow things like people's shoes and ended up being things like "I love that she's lifting her face into the sun, she's beautiful when she does that". The point being that it's easier sometimes not to love than to see the heart and soul of another human being.
People think that love is subjective, that they get to pick and choose who they get to love and bestow their gift on. But I don't believe that. I think that loving another person, be it your best friend or the stranger that you held the door open for is why we are here. That if we are filled to the brim with love then we can't help but share it.
God specifically made me who I am to love every other person that I could reach. Not only to make sure that they knew that I loved them, but more so that he loves them. My sole purpose in love is to reflect the amazing love that I was made with, that gets me through my days and that is a direct reflection from the one true God that is the source of it.
Amen for the love in your life. I hope that in some small way I add to it.
K
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A love like no other
This past week has been a roller coaster ride. It was Easter, my birthday, midterms, family, work, and then I think from pure exhaustion, I got a cold. But wow, this ride has been amazing.
I felt closer to God, my husband, my family, and my friends all at once this week and I am always stunned by the love that God has surrounded me with.
I have never really been a big gift person (don't get me wrong, I don't refuse them). I have always been and continue to be a woman who appreciates someone doing something for me or has genuinely lovely things to say.
For example, my fifteen year old son got up every day except for one over his entire spring break at 6:30am to take out the dog for me because it was my birthday. I could have cried.
My brother, who knows that I have recently grown to love cooking sent me a pressure cooker. It was a gift, but a gift with love and thought and effort.
My friends all wished me a happy birthday on FB, I got cards from family and even one from my mom's best friend that told me that I was her hero because I had been through so much and still abounded in joy. That did make me cry.
I celebrated with lunch with my sister in law, who's birthday is two days before mine.
I had an amazing Easter dinner and birthday cake with my momma and her side of the family.
The list of blessings goes on and on.
But the biggest gift that I got was that my husband and son, my mom and dad (Vince), and my friend Andie came to church to praise God with me. My heart was so full sitting there surrounded by God's love and theirs that I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
Sharing God with the people that I love most is always my favorite thing. It is something that is meant to shared in love. God loves them more than I ever could.
Seeing God touch other people's lives regardless of how small of a difference it may make is always a thrill for me.
Letting God use me to do it is that amazing roller coaster that I was talking about. It takes my breath away.
My life is always busy, it is always moving and changing and expanding and growing and with God at the helm I never know where I am going.
Somehow knowing doesn't seem to matter as much as it used to because every now and then, like on this Easter He allows me a glimpse at His plans. I watch him move people to his purpose, I feel Him move me.
Psalm 119:33-35
- Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end. Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands,for there I find delight.
I delight in God's love and I was blessed to delight in it with so many people that I love on Easter. That really was the best birthday gift ever.
K
I felt closer to God, my husband, my family, and my friends all at once this week and I am always stunned by the love that God has surrounded me with.
I have never really been a big gift person (don't get me wrong, I don't refuse them). I have always been and continue to be a woman who appreciates someone doing something for me or has genuinely lovely things to say.
For example, my fifteen year old son got up every day except for one over his entire spring break at 6:30am to take out the dog for me because it was my birthday. I could have cried.
My brother, who knows that I have recently grown to love cooking sent me a pressure cooker. It was a gift, but a gift with love and thought and effort.
My friends all wished me a happy birthday on FB, I got cards from family and even one from my mom's best friend that told me that I was her hero because I had been through so much and still abounded in joy. That did make me cry.
I celebrated with lunch with my sister in law, who's birthday is two days before mine.
I had an amazing Easter dinner and birthday cake with my momma and her side of the family.
The list of blessings goes on and on.
But the biggest gift that I got was that my husband and son, my mom and dad (Vince), and my friend Andie came to church to praise God with me. My heart was so full sitting there surrounded by God's love and theirs that I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
Sharing God with the people that I love most is always my favorite thing. It is something that is meant to shared in love. God loves them more than I ever could.
Seeing God touch other people's lives regardless of how small of a difference it may make is always a thrill for me.
Letting God use me to do it is that amazing roller coaster that I was talking about. It takes my breath away.
My life is always busy, it is always moving and changing and expanding and growing and with God at the helm I never know where I am going.
Somehow knowing doesn't seem to matter as much as it used to because every now and then, like on this Easter He allows me a glimpse at His plans. I watch him move people to his purpose, I feel Him move me.
Psalm 119:33-35
- Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end. Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands,for there I find delight.
I delight in God's love and I was blessed to delight in it with so many people that I love on Easter. That really was the best birthday gift ever.
K
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Emo Me
I will be the first person to acknowledge that I am emotional, passionate, and that my feelings are and have always been a huge part of me. After all this blog is called fiery redhead life.
It has always been that whatever emotion I felt at the time defined what person I was for those moments that I was feeling that emotion. It took me until I was 40 years old to see how destructive those feelings could be to me, and to the people around me.
You see, I can feel however I want to in any given situation. That is who I am by nature. At the same time my emotions can take over not just my heart, my head, and my logic, but can also expand into my decision making, my mood, and my environment. When that happens, then I am imposing my feelings on everyone around me and that, is not ok.
We live in a world where we are encouraged to be who we are, without question, without accountability, a world where the rules are what we feel is ok for us, and that because the situation, or the feelings, or the opinion is ours, people are to accept it without question.
What I have realized is that my feelings are my own responsibility, that I am accountable for them. an I am allowed to feel how I feel, but I am not allowed to make my feelings and what I want everyone else's priority. When I do that I am selfish, I am prideful, and I am insensitive to the needs of others.
What I have learned is to NOT react immediately to something that happens that makes me sad, or angry, or sick. To NOT judge others because they don't agree with my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. To NOT think that I am allowed (borrowing a friend's terminology here) to vomit my emotions all over someone and expect them to know how to handle that.
I think that there is something to be said for holding my tongue and thinking about what to say before I speak. I think that prayer should occur in my head and my heart before I even open my mouth.
I think that these things are a growth in my character, and helpful in my relationships because then I get to hear, really hear, other people and when I listen intently to their pain or happiness I can better grieve with them or celebrate with them.
My emotions are real, they are genuine, they are honest and open, they are mine. They help to allow me to be full of love, and full of pain, sometimes at the same time. But they can no longer be the barometer by which I measure my happiness, because they change so often and so quickly.
I use a higher standard than my own, one that never fails, one that is perfect. It is the word of God. It allows for my emotions and it allows for my good and bad moods but it also guides me in the way to behave and treat other people when my emotions blind me too much to see what I should be doing to please God, to be Christ like and to put others before myself. Not just some others. All others.
I used to think that I got to pick and choose the people in my life, and to some degree that is true, but if I can look past my own emotions, my own prejudice, my own expectations and see the gifts of the people that God has surrounded me with regardless of how I FEEL about them, I am much better able to love them and allow God to fill me over and over with his love, that which never fails.
Is training myself to tame my emotions to God's purpose easy? Nope. Never will be. But everytime I succeed with God's help it's completely, incredibly, obviously worth it. I love more easily and I am certainly more easy to love.
K
It has always been that whatever emotion I felt at the time defined what person I was for those moments that I was feeling that emotion. It took me until I was 40 years old to see how destructive those feelings could be to me, and to the people around me.
You see, I can feel however I want to in any given situation. That is who I am by nature. At the same time my emotions can take over not just my heart, my head, and my logic, but can also expand into my decision making, my mood, and my environment. When that happens, then I am imposing my feelings on everyone around me and that, is not ok.
We live in a world where we are encouraged to be who we are, without question, without accountability, a world where the rules are what we feel is ok for us, and that because the situation, or the feelings, or the opinion is ours, people are to accept it without question.
What I have realized is that my feelings are my own responsibility, that I am accountable for them. an I am allowed to feel how I feel, but I am not allowed to make my feelings and what I want everyone else's priority. When I do that I am selfish, I am prideful, and I am insensitive to the needs of others.
What I have learned is to NOT react immediately to something that happens that makes me sad, or angry, or sick. To NOT judge others because they don't agree with my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. To NOT think that I am allowed (borrowing a friend's terminology here) to vomit my emotions all over someone and expect them to know how to handle that.
I think that there is something to be said for holding my tongue and thinking about what to say before I speak. I think that prayer should occur in my head and my heart before I even open my mouth.
I think that these things are a growth in my character, and helpful in my relationships because then I get to hear, really hear, other people and when I listen intently to their pain or happiness I can better grieve with them or celebrate with them.
My emotions are real, they are genuine, they are honest and open, they are mine. They help to allow me to be full of love, and full of pain, sometimes at the same time. But they can no longer be the barometer by which I measure my happiness, because they change so often and so quickly.
I use a higher standard than my own, one that never fails, one that is perfect. It is the word of God. It allows for my emotions and it allows for my good and bad moods but it also guides me in the way to behave and treat other people when my emotions blind me too much to see what I should be doing to please God, to be Christ like and to put others before myself. Not just some others. All others.
I used to think that I got to pick and choose the people in my life, and to some degree that is true, but if I can look past my own emotions, my own prejudice, my own expectations and see the gifts of the people that God has surrounded me with regardless of how I FEEL about them, I am much better able to love them and allow God to fill me over and over with his love, that which never fails.
Is training myself to tame my emotions to God's purpose easy? Nope. Never will be. But everytime I succeed with God's help it's completely, incredibly, obviously worth it. I love more easily and I am certainly more easy to love.
K
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Valentine's Day is coming........
Some people love this holiday. Some people don't. I think that love should be the foremost thought on everyone's mind EVERY day.
I don't understand the reason to celebrate one day a year, if you are being loved every day by someone. It doesn't have to be a "special someone" it could be just appreciating that there is a God that loves you more than any human being could. It could be your children, your friends, your family.
There are very few people in this world who don't have at least one person that loves them.
Let me take a minute to break it down just a bit.
Romantic love -
Ladies, this is for you. Love your man for everything that he does for you on a daily basis and make a big deal about it all of the time. It's easy to complain and worry. It's easy to expect great things on this one day. But don't. Being content in your relationship and loving your man before everyone but God should be your daily life, even in the middle of trouble a smile and patience can go a long way. If you want to gift him. Gift him with telling him how amazing he is or doing something little that you could do later on and he would appreciate it just as much.
Men - Do women love flowers? dinner out? a night without the kids? a weekend away just the two of you? Yes. But romance is what SHE likes. Even if that is burgers grilled at home and a movie or dinner at a cheap coffee house with vegetarian local food. Don't break the bank on it. Again, flowers are way more fun when you aren't expecting them than when you are. Or do something that she's been asking you to do that you just didn't feel like doing. Clean out the garage, finish painting that room, fix the plumbing in the laundry room. Whatever it is that she wants most, sacrifice and give it to her.
Singles - Treat yourself to a day with your best friend and celebrate the relationship that you have. Don't let people box you into a stereotype and make you think that you have to have a "significant other" to enjoy a day of love. We are all so busy that planning a guy or girls day could be just what you need. Or spend time with your family, be that grandma, mom and dad, brothers or sisters. Love is God and love is always a good thing.
Kids- You have so many people in your life that love you and do special things for you. I know that in elementary school everyone gets a valentine, but go further than that. Do the dishes for your parents/parent, choose not to argue with them, choose to love the people around you and be a giver without expectations of reward.
Everyone should feel loved every day. If you want this day to be special then go for it! But I think that every day should be valentine's day. Full of love and giving, and should be love in all directions.
Happy early Valentine's Day!!!!!!!
K
I don't understand the reason to celebrate one day a year, if you are being loved every day by someone. It doesn't have to be a "special someone" it could be just appreciating that there is a God that loves you more than any human being could. It could be your children, your friends, your family.
There are very few people in this world who don't have at least one person that loves them.
Let me take a minute to break it down just a bit.
Romantic love -
Ladies, this is for you. Love your man for everything that he does for you on a daily basis and make a big deal about it all of the time. It's easy to complain and worry. It's easy to expect great things on this one day. But don't. Being content in your relationship and loving your man before everyone but God should be your daily life, even in the middle of trouble a smile and patience can go a long way. If you want to gift him. Gift him with telling him how amazing he is or doing something little that you could do later on and he would appreciate it just as much.
Men - Do women love flowers? dinner out? a night without the kids? a weekend away just the two of you? Yes. But romance is what SHE likes. Even if that is burgers grilled at home and a movie or dinner at a cheap coffee house with vegetarian local food. Don't break the bank on it. Again, flowers are way more fun when you aren't expecting them than when you are. Or do something that she's been asking you to do that you just didn't feel like doing. Clean out the garage, finish painting that room, fix the plumbing in the laundry room. Whatever it is that she wants most, sacrifice and give it to her.
Singles - Treat yourself to a day with your best friend and celebrate the relationship that you have. Don't let people box you into a stereotype and make you think that you have to have a "significant other" to enjoy a day of love. We are all so busy that planning a guy or girls day could be just what you need. Or spend time with your family, be that grandma, mom and dad, brothers or sisters. Love is God and love is always a good thing.
Kids- You have so many people in your life that love you and do special things for you. I know that in elementary school everyone gets a valentine, but go further than that. Do the dishes for your parents/parent, choose not to argue with them, choose to love the people around you and be a giver without expectations of reward.
Everyone should feel loved every day. If you want this day to be special then go for it! But I think that every day should be valentine's day. Full of love and giving, and should be love in all directions.
Happy early Valentine's Day!!!!!!!
K
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Look at me.....first.
Not so long ago I was that crazy, outspoken girl that always wanted to be the center of attention. Most conversations that I had were focused around what was happening in my life and how something wasn't fair, so how someone had wronged me, or why could that person not like me. I yelled, I screamed, I bragged, I was prideful and indignant for no reason that anyone could understand. Quite honestly I felt like everyone around me should feel lucky to be around me because I was smart and funny, and pretty, and I had it all together.
Reality check. I thought I had it all together. Then my first husband divorced me, I became ill with end stage renal failure, and I saw who my true friends were. Bad circumstances tend to scare off fair weather friends, sometimes they will scare off even those you thought would take a bullet for you.
All of this happened about 5 years ago and since that time, much has changed. I met the love of my life Eric, who not only asked me to marry him while I was on dialysis, but literally saved my life a couple of times prior to me having a double organ transplant a month after we got engaged. Six months after transplant we got married on the front porch of our new house.
Funny how things that you never saw as important change when you become a disciple of Christ. That phrase makes a lot of people uncomfortable, Disciple of Christ. Religion and false teachings of people that use God to hide behind and something to manipulate people have given those who love God and therefore live to his standard and not their own, a bad rap.
People that I consider some of my best friends get uncomfortable when I bring up God, not because I am preaching at them but because I am sharing my life and how much better it is with God in it. They see rules, and I see freedom. They see rhetoric, and I see truth. They see something that is open to interpretation and I see the word of God.
Yes, I'm a Christian, yes, I live my life in a biblical way. You would think that me becoming more about changing myself into a better person would be something that everyone could get behind. But in the last three years I have found that isn't true.
People are more comfortable with someone who isn't trying to make their life better and continuously growing and changing. They want you to stay the same so that they can too.
This isn't a judgement, it's my own experience.
These days, when I say look at me first, I mean I look at myself and see what I can change about me prior to looking at someone else and telling them to change because you can't really change anyone else. It took me until I was 40 to figure that out.
I choose to follow God because I have seen how it has made my life better, in little and in major ways. These days I look at myself differently because I can look closely and see the ways that I need to grow to be closer to God and that in doing so I am more loving, more compassionate, more caring and more focused on what other people need and less on what I need.
I am no martyr, but I am so far from perfect that I appreciate the grace Christ gives me and the love that I have always been surrounded with. Even before I devoted my life to Christ, I was blessed with amazing relationhips that I treasure to this day.
But it's wonderful when you can look at your life and realize that you are now serving a purpose bigger than yourself. When instead of wanting more than what you have, you appreciate your blessings. Your perspective is different because what you care about has changed.
Being human, of course I still worry about where the money is going to come from, if I will be better or worse after my surgery next week, if my husband and I will work through any problems that arise, if I can be a better wife, mom, and person. But the doer in me now has to step back and trust. Not an easy thing to do when you are used to being a control freak. But I know that God has my best interest at heart, all the time. Romans 8 says so. :) I know that whatever is happening is what is supposed to be happening, per God's plan and not mine, and his plan is always better than mine any way.
These days I try not to worry, or give into fear. I try not to attempt to control people and situations that honestly I can't control anyway. I pray that I can continue to keep my standard as the one God laid out for me and that my goals coincide with his.
For the first time in my life I am really trying to humble out and be joyful, Even in the worse of circumstances.
None of this would be possible without the holy spirit in me and around me. None of it would happen if not for God's love for me. Do bad things happen to good people? You better believe it, but what they decide to do with it is what allows them to grow or stay the same.
So yes, good or bad I am a disciple of Christ. Yes, I choose his way over mine. Do I think that everyone should do it? Sure. I recommend at least trying it before judging it, because that is the honest way to look at things. To experience them for yourself, and to come to your own convictions one way or the other.
Me, I love my life this way, because in every situation I am encouraged to love. I really enjoy loving people even when it makes them uncomfortable.
K
Reality check. I thought I had it all together. Then my first husband divorced me, I became ill with end stage renal failure, and I saw who my true friends were. Bad circumstances tend to scare off fair weather friends, sometimes they will scare off even those you thought would take a bullet for you.
All of this happened about 5 years ago and since that time, much has changed. I met the love of my life Eric, who not only asked me to marry him while I was on dialysis, but literally saved my life a couple of times prior to me having a double organ transplant a month after we got engaged. Six months after transplant we got married on the front porch of our new house.
Funny how things that you never saw as important change when you become a disciple of Christ. That phrase makes a lot of people uncomfortable, Disciple of Christ. Religion and false teachings of people that use God to hide behind and something to manipulate people have given those who love God and therefore live to his standard and not their own, a bad rap.
People that I consider some of my best friends get uncomfortable when I bring up God, not because I am preaching at them but because I am sharing my life and how much better it is with God in it. They see rules, and I see freedom. They see rhetoric, and I see truth. They see something that is open to interpretation and I see the word of God.
Yes, I'm a Christian, yes, I live my life in a biblical way. You would think that me becoming more about changing myself into a better person would be something that everyone could get behind. But in the last three years I have found that isn't true.
People are more comfortable with someone who isn't trying to make their life better and continuously growing and changing. They want you to stay the same so that they can too.
This isn't a judgement, it's my own experience.
These days, when I say look at me first, I mean I look at myself and see what I can change about me prior to looking at someone else and telling them to change because you can't really change anyone else. It took me until I was 40 to figure that out.
I choose to follow God because I have seen how it has made my life better, in little and in major ways. These days I look at myself differently because I can look closely and see the ways that I need to grow to be closer to God and that in doing so I am more loving, more compassionate, more caring and more focused on what other people need and less on what I need.
I am no martyr, but I am so far from perfect that I appreciate the grace Christ gives me and the love that I have always been surrounded with. Even before I devoted my life to Christ, I was blessed with amazing relationhips that I treasure to this day.
But it's wonderful when you can look at your life and realize that you are now serving a purpose bigger than yourself. When instead of wanting more than what you have, you appreciate your blessings. Your perspective is different because what you care about has changed.
Being human, of course I still worry about where the money is going to come from, if I will be better or worse after my surgery next week, if my husband and I will work through any problems that arise, if I can be a better wife, mom, and person. But the doer in me now has to step back and trust. Not an easy thing to do when you are used to being a control freak. But I know that God has my best interest at heart, all the time. Romans 8 says so. :) I know that whatever is happening is what is supposed to be happening, per God's plan and not mine, and his plan is always better than mine any way.
These days I try not to worry, or give into fear. I try not to attempt to control people and situations that honestly I can't control anyway. I pray that I can continue to keep my standard as the one God laid out for me and that my goals coincide with his.
For the first time in my life I am really trying to humble out and be joyful, Even in the worse of circumstances.
None of this would be possible without the holy spirit in me and around me. None of it would happen if not for God's love for me. Do bad things happen to good people? You better believe it, but what they decide to do with it is what allows them to grow or stay the same.
So yes, good or bad I am a disciple of Christ. Yes, I choose his way over mine. Do I think that everyone should do it? Sure. I recommend at least trying it before judging it, because that is the honest way to look at things. To experience them for yourself, and to come to your own convictions one way or the other.
Me, I love my life this way, because in every situation I am encouraged to love. I really enjoy loving people even when it makes them uncomfortable.
K
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