All people think differently, feel differently, handle things differently. There is no one way for things to go, there are always choices.
We as people believe in our choices, fight for our freedom to make them, and ultimately desire to make the right choices. Other than ourselves who is there to tell us we made the right choice?
Our parents, our friends, the people we work with, highly intelligent people that we don't know but see credentials to show that they know what they are talking about. Work leaders, political leaders, even religious leaders can all be trusted and when they can't be trusted then we can just count on ourselves, right? Because we are a highly intelligent, highly adaptable, and highly intuitive race.
Thinking that we are right has gotten us where?
Look around you.
People are starving, there is illness everywhere, corruption is rampant in our world and not just in politics. We find it good when others fail and make us look good by comparision, we find it interesting to watch other peoples lives unravel on the television. We are continuously saved from being the bottom of the barrel of humanity by setting standards for ourselves that we know that we can meet and then thinking ourselves better than others because we can do them.
We take credit for our own gifts and talents and when something in our life is wrong then we find someone or something (if my parents were more supportive, if only such and such situation didn't happen) to blame for our failures.
We aren't comfortable showing people our real selves. When I say real selves I mean that deep inner part of you that only you and God know exists. That part that cries alone in your room because you don't want others to perceive you as weak, that part of you that is so strong that people are impressed, except it's not really strength, it's bravado or arrogance. That part of you that is afraid that God is real and is very disappointed in you.
Why is there this ingrained thought in ourselves that we think that we know not just what's best for ourselves but for everyone else? Let me tell you, I spent most of my life living by my own standards and for a long, long time that worked. There wasn't anything wrong with it because I knew what was best for me. Except that I didn't.
Answer this question, when was the last time that you made a decision about your own life that didn't hurt someone? You see we live our lives thinking that we live in a bubble," well, if I do this then it won't affect anyone else, I'm just going to do it." And that's on the generous days when we don't just skip to the decision without thinking about someone else's feelings.
I hate to tell you this, but that isn't true. I am a disciple of Christ and I make no secret of that, and I do my absolute best to allow God to dictate what choices I should make in my life because he gave me the Bible to tell me how to do it and the Holy Spirit inside me to give me his strength, energy, and compassion to be a better person. There is this crazy idea out there that Christians are just mindless drones that do whatever they are told. And although that can be true for some Christians, I refuse to believe it for one reason and one reason alone. God's plan always, every single time, works out better than mine.
The bible says put God first and make choices according to his word and when I'm smart enough to choose that, it's true. Here's the tricky part. I don't always know right away that the choice that I made is the right one. I may not know until the day that I die whether some were right or wrong. But I can give you example after example of things that I didn't want to do God's way that benefited me and those around me. My marriage is stronger because I allow my husband to lead our household (feminist friends feel free to gasp) because I trust Eric? Yes. But more so because I trust God. I am a better friend now than I used to be, because I respect my friends opinon, even if they don't agree with mine, but if they are doing something that could hurt them I talk to them about it. Biblically speaking the life of a true disciple of Christ is filled with sacrifice, pain, and suffering. So who willingly signs up for that? All of us that believe that the standard of God is the only one to live by.
Those of us that see that we are blessed and not cursed on a daily basis regardless of the obstacles in our path and the pain that life and the world has dealt us. Those of us who have been alone, prayed and realized that alone is no longer a word that is necessary in our vocabulary.
Don't get me wrong, occaisionally I slip back into thinking that my standards are better and I stomp my feet and demand my way is better. Then I see myself and reconsider. My life devoted to me is short-sighted, and narrow, and selfish and provides no solice, no safety, and no peace. My life devoted to Christ gives me all of those things and much more.
God's standards are meant for all mankind to follow. If you don't believe me, then try it and find out. It's always so easy to say that those standards don't work for you if you've never picked up a Bible, learned about Jesus and chosen to walk in the ways of God. I've done both and I would pick God's way every time.
K
Friday, September 28, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Pride
The dictionary describes pride as the following:
noun
1.
a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2.
the state or feeling of being proud.
3.
a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
4.
pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.
5.
something that causes a person or persons to be proud: His art collection was the pride of the family.
Let me rewrite each of these definitions as I see them.
1. I'm better than you.
2. Feeling like I'm better than you.
3. Entitlement because I think I'm better than you
4. I did this and you should think I'm better than you because of my intelligence, effort, etc.
5. Materialism because I'm better than you, look at all this stuff I have
Pride doesn't sound quite as appealing when we write it out that way does it? Yet our culture encourages us to be proud. Proud to be an American (American's are better than other cultures), Proud to be a mom, (I wasn't gifted with this child, I created them and all the good stuff is because of me), Proud of my child ( because without me, they wouldn't be as awesome as they are or have accomplished what they have).
That is just the top three from a Google search I just did about "proud to be".
As a follower of Christ, proud should be the last word in my vocabulary to be said, acted out, or thought. Because I know that I'm an American, because he chose to put me here, where I have a home, food, a family and a healthcare system to take care of me.
I'm a mom, me specifically, because God blessed me with Luke, I didn't bear this child but he was given to me because he needed a mom in his life and I needed him to learn some very important lessons that God had to teach me.
My kid is great because God created him, because God gave him a loving father and mother, and because God blessed him with a heart to love. That didn't have anything to do with me or him.
I think that I need to find a different word to use for when something is right in my life, or even when something is wrong. I am blessed to be an American, I am encouraged that I am a mom, I am humbled that my child is such a great kid. Because those words better describe what is really going on. That God has given me all of these things and that I am grareful for them.
I am a very prideful person, it's something that I am trying to grow out of but it's a part of my nature and so it's difficult to see in myself sometimes. It helps to write on this blog and just be honest and open about it.
Here are some examples to God be the Glory, not to Kris Gartley:
I have always been very intelligent - God gifted me with that.
I survived several serious illnesses and still am - God has a purpose for me so he kept me alive.
I have a beautiful family that loves me very much - God surrounded me with love and support in human form to encourage my faith in Him.
I have a job - God provides
I have an amazing church body that I belong to - God wants me to learn how to draw closer to him
The list could go on and on. Pride is me thinking that I've done all of these things for myself. Thinking that I am so smart, so talented, so loving......and all of those gifts are simply God working through me to show others that he is here and he loves me, and them.
So those of you that know me, help me to see the pride in myself and to give the glory to God always. Without him, I am nothing. That is truth.
K
Friday, September 14, 2012
Who am I?
At 40 years old I sometimes still look at myself and ask the question, who am I? Why am I on this earth? What job am I supposed to have? How should I be spending my free time? What should I do to make my world a better place? What clothes should I wear today? What TV do I have time for? What books do I want to read? Does my co worker think I'm a nice person? Did that girl just give me a dirty look? When will I get my bathroom redone? How will I handle it when I need another surgery? What color lipstick should I wear today? What did I do for myself today? Where will I be in my life in another 20 years?
Yup. Even at 40 my brain moves at the speed of light from one thought to the other. When I was little I would have to stop and explain how I got from one thought to another within a 2 minute period because 12 other thoughts would go from one to the other and if you didn't know the path that my thoughts took then the beginning thought made no sense with the end thought.
I, like most people, like to think that I am a very complicated person. I have been though a lot health wise in my life. I've been though a divorce and lost my ability to have children. I have always been very social, very smart, and very emotional. This is how I perceive myself. Funny, loving, joyous, and intelligent.
The thing is, none of this is a lie. I can be funny, I can be loving, I can be joyous and I am intelligent. However, these are not the things that I should choose to define me. Some people might ask why, well the answer is something that I fight to remember on a daily basis.
It's not me.
Every ounce of talent, personality, and intelligence that I have is God given. I didn't work for it, I didn't create myself, I didn't pick and choose the good stuff that I wanted for what I wanted myself to be. I was born this way, moreover, I was born screaming and crying into this world and without God's guidance that is exactly who I still am. That isn't complicated, selfishness is very simple.
My nature is sinful. Certain people gasp sometimes when I say that out loud, but luckily God also gifted me with truth 2 years ago when I was baptized. For 38 years I saw myself the way that I chose to, I still do if I don't keep growing in Christ.
Let's face it, it's easier to see myself as how I would like to be rather than how I am.
I am selfish and prideful and I gossip and I hurt people with my opinion that isn't even asked for. I can be disrespectful, I can be hurtful, and I can completely see a situation only in how it affects me and forget that anyone else has feelings or thoughts in the same situation.
It's very easy to forget that I didn't create myself. In fairness God loves me enough that he gave me free will, but what do I do with that? Do I wake up everyday and think, how can I help God today? Is that my first thought?
Do I wake up and think about what I need to do at work, in school, for my husband, and for my child? None of these are things that I shouldn't be thinking about. God gave them to me and he expects me to love and appreciate them. He expects gratitude.
But more than anything, God expects me. All of me, not the parts that I am willing to let him have, not the parts that need help, or the pretty parts that are ok to show him, All Of Me. He knows anyway, but he wants humility, he wants praise, he wants me to rely on him.
I'm a parent now and I watch how my son reacts to his dad sometimes and how my husband responds. Even if Eric is angry with our son you can see how hurt he is by the disrespect that the kiddo sometimes dishes out. I can see the unconditional love that he has for our son and that in every part of Eric is the need to protect and love and care for our son. Our son that is almost 15 years old. Love like that never goes away. That "I love you because I created you and I love you so much more than I could ever love myself" kind of love.
At 4 months God loved me like that, at 4 years, at 14, and now at 40. If I live to be 100 God will love me like that, now, and forever. He feels that way about every human being on the planet.
That is who I am. A beloved daughter of God. That is really who God made me to be and I rejoice in it.
Yup. Even at 40 my brain moves at the speed of light from one thought to the other. When I was little I would have to stop and explain how I got from one thought to another within a 2 minute period because 12 other thoughts would go from one to the other and if you didn't know the path that my thoughts took then the beginning thought made no sense with the end thought.
I, like most people, like to think that I am a very complicated person. I have been though a lot health wise in my life. I've been though a divorce and lost my ability to have children. I have always been very social, very smart, and very emotional. This is how I perceive myself. Funny, loving, joyous, and intelligent.
The thing is, none of this is a lie. I can be funny, I can be loving, I can be joyous and I am intelligent. However, these are not the things that I should choose to define me. Some people might ask why, well the answer is something that I fight to remember on a daily basis.
It's not me.
Every ounce of talent, personality, and intelligence that I have is God given. I didn't work for it, I didn't create myself, I didn't pick and choose the good stuff that I wanted for what I wanted myself to be. I was born this way, moreover, I was born screaming and crying into this world and without God's guidance that is exactly who I still am. That isn't complicated, selfishness is very simple.
My nature is sinful. Certain people gasp sometimes when I say that out loud, but luckily God also gifted me with truth 2 years ago when I was baptized. For 38 years I saw myself the way that I chose to, I still do if I don't keep growing in Christ.
Let's face it, it's easier to see myself as how I would like to be rather than how I am.
I am selfish and prideful and I gossip and I hurt people with my opinion that isn't even asked for. I can be disrespectful, I can be hurtful, and I can completely see a situation only in how it affects me and forget that anyone else has feelings or thoughts in the same situation.
It's very easy to forget that I didn't create myself. In fairness God loves me enough that he gave me free will, but what do I do with that? Do I wake up everyday and think, how can I help God today? Is that my first thought?
Do I wake up and think about what I need to do at work, in school, for my husband, and for my child? None of these are things that I shouldn't be thinking about. God gave them to me and he expects me to love and appreciate them. He expects gratitude.
But more than anything, God expects me. All of me, not the parts that I am willing to let him have, not the parts that need help, or the pretty parts that are ok to show him, All Of Me. He knows anyway, but he wants humility, he wants praise, he wants me to rely on him.
I'm a parent now and I watch how my son reacts to his dad sometimes and how my husband responds. Even if Eric is angry with our son you can see how hurt he is by the disrespect that the kiddo sometimes dishes out. I can see the unconditional love that he has for our son and that in every part of Eric is the need to protect and love and care for our son. Our son that is almost 15 years old. Love like that never goes away. That "I love you because I created you and I love you so much more than I could ever love myself" kind of love.
At 4 months God loved me like that, at 4 years, at 14, and now at 40. If I live to be 100 God will love me like that, now, and forever. He feels that way about every human being on the planet.
That is who I am. A beloved daughter of God. That is really who God made me to be and I rejoice in it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
When did I get so Selfish?
Today was a hard day I had the normal stuff, going back to work, dealing with people at work that frustrate me, running to get pain pills from the doctor before work and a doctor's appointment on my lunch break that made yet another defining decision in my health life that I wasn't happy about.
Then I was in too much pain to go to church or do anything else for that matter, and then I had a whopper of a discussion with my husband that was just barely not an all out fight.
Has anyone noticed me complaining yet?
Not outright, no, in fact most people would read this post and be like, wow Kris, you had a really hard day. But was it really?
No. It wasn't. Work was what it's expected to be, work. Getting pills and doctor appointments have become every week kinds of things for me, and bad news about my health. Well I've only got one body and it will last as long as God decides it will. The pain, temporary, the fight, I love Eric and he loves me and we hurt each other good and proper, but we will be together forever because that's who we are and we are blessed to have each other. I specifically am blessed to have found someone who loves me so much.
I see in myself this tendency, to never want what I have and to want everything that I don't. What is that entitlement issue? Pride. I deserve better than this. How dare I only have a loving God, a family that adores me, a beautiful house with a dog and 3 cats? How could I ever possibly be happy with a job that pays the bills, friends who care deeply for me and would do just about anything to help me? How badly do I have it that I am spiritually challenged by God through people, circumstances, and suffering almost daily?
Seriously? That is the way I think sometimes. All of the blessings that I have in a day are wiped out because of a couple of bad things happening? Then I act like I deserve better. So what is it that I actually really want to be better?
Do I delve deep into myself and say, wow, my life would be so much easier and happier if I just expected less? Or do I look at the world and the people around me to provide more than what I already have? Do I make other's responsible for my happiness?
Where is my grace? Where is my forgiveness? Where is my love for goodness sake?
So here is the truth from my perspective and God's, be content. Now, this is not an excuse to get lazy in my relationships, or to take a break from working. But this is an honest to goodness look at my heart and realize that nobody owes me anything.
That's right, you heard it here first.(not really) The world doesn't owe me anything. They didn't ask me to exist, they didn't demand that I come here and start complaining from the moment that I arrived about how hard my life is.
I can't walk a mile in my own shoes without finding something I don't like, let alone having to walk in the shoes of a cancer patient, or a starving child in Africa, or a tortured woman who has no say as to who her body is given to. Yet as I was talking at(yes, at him) my poor Eric and telling him how hard things were for me, the voice in the back of my head (it was God) was saying, "this man loves you and you are hurting him", yet I still kept going. I watched the sadness come into his eyes and watched as he stopped being walled in and became hurt.
Was that my goal?
It wasn't, but it didn't stop me from being selfish and awful and in that moment everything that I don't like about myself. Why? Because I'm selfish. I'm working on it, but man, when it comes out it really comes out.
I am incredibly blessed and yet I allow myself to overlook all that I have so that I can focus on the one thing that I can't. I should be content with anything I have let alone everything I have but that entitlement and selfishness shows up every time and it always costs me or someone I love something.
Scripture says: Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
People say that's about money, but really it's about God promising never to leave or forsake me. That should be enough.
Hopefully I can start to put my own needs and wants and desires on the back burner and let someone else have what they want for a change. I think that God will give me contentment in that if I let him.
Kris
Then I was in too much pain to go to church or do anything else for that matter, and then I had a whopper of a discussion with my husband that was just barely not an all out fight.
Has anyone noticed me complaining yet?
Not outright, no, in fact most people would read this post and be like, wow Kris, you had a really hard day. But was it really?
No. It wasn't. Work was what it's expected to be, work. Getting pills and doctor appointments have become every week kinds of things for me, and bad news about my health. Well I've only got one body and it will last as long as God decides it will. The pain, temporary, the fight, I love Eric and he loves me and we hurt each other good and proper, but we will be together forever because that's who we are and we are blessed to have each other. I specifically am blessed to have found someone who loves me so much.
I see in myself this tendency, to never want what I have and to want everything that I don't. What is that entitlement issue? Pride. I deserve better than this. How dare I only have a loving God, a family that adores me, a beautiful house with a dog and 3 cats? How could I ever possibly be happy with a job that pays the bills, friends who care deeply for me and would do just about anything to help me? How badly do I have it that I am spiritually challenged by God through people, circumstances, and suffering almost daily?
Seriously? That is the way I think sometimes. All of the blessings that I have in a day are wiped out because of a couple of bad things happening? Then I act like I deserve better. So what is it that I actually really want to be better?
Do I delve deep into myself and say, wow, my life would be so much easier and happier if I just expected less? Or do I look at the world and the people around me to provide more than what I already have? Do I make other's responsible for my happiness?
Where is my grace? Where is my forgiveness? Where is my love for goodness sake?
So here is the truth from my perspective and God's, be content. Now, this is not an excuse to get lazy in my relationships, or to take a break from working. But this is an honest to goodness look at my heart and realize that nobody owes me anything.
That's right, you heard it here first.(not really) The world doesn't owe me anything. They didn't ask me to exist, they didn't demand that I come here and start complaining from the moment that I arrived about how hard my life is.
I can't walk a mile in my own shoes without finding something I don't like, let alone having to walk in the shoes of a cancer patient, or a starving child in Africa, or a tortured woman who has no say as to who her body is given to. Yet as I was talking at(yes, at him) my poor Eric and telling him how hard things were for me, the voice in the back of my head (it was God) was saying, "this man loves you and you are hurting him", yet I still kept going. I watched the sadness come into his eyes and watched as he stopped being walled in and became hurt.
Was that my goal?
It wasn't, but it didn't stop me from being selfish and awful and in that moment everything that I don't like about myself. Why? Because I'm selfish. I'm working on it, but man, when it comes out it really comes out.
I am incredibly blessed and yet I allow myself to overlook all that I have so that I can focus on the one thing that I can't. I should be content with anything I have let alone everything I have but that entitlement and selfishness shows up every time and it always costs me or someone I love something.
Scripture says: Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
People say that's about money, but really it's about God promising never to leave or forsake me. That should be enough.
Hopefully I can start to put my own needs and wants and desires on the back burner and let someone else have what they want for a change. I think that God will give me contentment in that if I let him.
Kris
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Pain grows to Perfect
I wrote an email today to the women that pray for me. Those women who are full of compassion and love and who encourage me with scripture and kindness. The two scriptures that were sent to me today were Psalm 18 and Psalm 19, by two different women. You have to love how God works.
You see, the email was about the pain that I have been in for, well, today it seemed like my whole life, but really this pain has been the past 6 weeks.
I tried to wait it out. I wanted to see if it would get better. I wanted so very much for the simple pill that the doctor had given me to treat what was going on in my body to be all that my body needed. Because the only other option was surgery. A full hyterectomy.
Any woman, even those who profess that they never want children, stops and thinks what that means when a part of you is going to be removed that God gave you for the specific reason of bearing children. Intellectually and emotionally I already went through all of these feelings when I decided to have myself fixed (I'll spare you the details) and become unable to have children last year. Even though I was a double organ transplant patient who probably couldn't have a child without serious damage to my body, even though I was 39 years old and didn't want to have a child at that age, even though my son is almost 15 years old and Eric and I decided not to have anymore. I was devestated.
I would never be able to make a baby that belonged to my husband and I. Something that we created together that God created for us.
I learned today that I still felt that way, that the yearning to bare a child doesn't really go away when you find someone that you love so much that you want a little person that has parts of both of you in them.
I am a blessed woman to be so in love with my husband that I want that. More importantly I am a blessed woman that God already gave me a son that I love incredibly and that loves me back. So my pain at not being able to have a child was soothed and comforted by the gift that God gave me in Lucas, my amazing and wonderful child. We may not be blood related, but he is mine and I am his and neither one of us would have it any other way.
Getting to the pain of my body today was overwhelming, I hadn't felt well in days, I haven't been able to sleep through the night, I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy, I'm sensitive, and there are times when I am outright miffed. I keep wondering why this body has to go through so much, I keep having mini pity parties for the physical and emotional pain that has been a central theme of my life. I keep thinking that I just need to buck up and pull myself out of it. But then I remember one of my own favorite scriptures that is one of the few that I have committed to memory (on a funny note , my meds make it hard for me to remember things) 1 Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
As humbling as that scripture is, it gives me immense hope that in my weaknesses, and there are a lot of them and most definitely not just physical, God shines! God is stronger in his weaknesses more than I could ever fathom even if I had the perfect body. So there is no need to have any body, thought, feeling, or anything that doesn't help me to grow into the perfect person God intends for me to be in heaven. So God gives me what I need in this life, not necessary what I want.
Understand, it will never happen in this life. I will never be perfect here, I will obey God, and his laws, but I will fail him just as my body fails me daily. But if God can forgive my sin and imperfections, surely he can grow anything that he wants to out of my physical struggles.
I choose to believe that everything in my life makes me a better person, because even though I mess up, God doesn't. He has a perfect plan for my life, and as scared and angry as I can be sometimes. I know that forever and always it is for my good.
It always has been.
I have so much further to grow in this life, even more than I realize. But God will get me there.
Through my pain, he can and will make me perfect.
K
You see, the email was about the pain that I have been in for, well, today it seemed like my whole life, but really this pain has been the past 6 weeks.
I tried to wait it out. I wanted to see if it would get better. I wanted so very much for the simple pill that the doctor had given me to treat what was going on in my body to be all that my body needed. Because the only other option was surgery. A full hyterectomy.
Any woman, even those who profess that they never want children, stops and thinks what that means when a part of you is going to be removed that God gave you for the specific reason of bearing children. Intellectually and emotionally I already went through all of these feelings when I decided to have myself fixed (I'll spare you the details) and become unable to have children last year. Even though I was a double organ transplant patient who probably couldn't have a child without serious damage to my body, even though I was 39 years old and didn't want to have a child at that age, even though my son is almost 15 years old and Eric and I decided not to have anymore. I was devestated.
I would never be able to make a baby that belonged to my husband and I. Something that we created together that God created for us.
I learned today that I still felt that way, that the yearning to bare a child doesn't really go away when you find someone that you love so much that you want a little person that has parts of both of you in them.
I am a blessed woman to be so in love with my husband that I want that. More importantly I am a blessed woman that God already gave me a son that I love incredibly and that loves me back. So my pain at not being able to have a child was soothed and comforted by the gift that God gave me in Lucas, my amazing and wonderful child. We may not be blood related, but he is mine and I am his and neither one of us would have it any other way.
Getting to the pain of my body today was overwhelming, I hadn't felt well in days, I haven't been able to sleep through the night, I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy, I'm sensitive, and there are times when I am outright miffed. I keep wondering why this body has to go through so much, I keep having mini pity parties for the physical and emotional pain that has been a central theme of my life. I keep thinking that I just need to buck up and pull myself out of it. But then I remember one of my own favorite scriptures that is one of the few that I have committed to memory (on a funny note , my meds make it hard for me to remember things) 1 Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
As humbling as that scripture is, it gives me immense hope that in my weaknesses, and there are a lot of them and most definitely not just physical, God shines! God is stronger in his weaknesses more than I could ever fathom even if I had the perfect body. So there is no need to have any body, thought, feeling, or anything that doesn't help me to grow into the perfect person God intends for me to be in heaven. So God gives me what I need in this life, not necessary what I want.
Understand, it will never happen in this life. I will never be perfect here, I will obey God, and his laws, but I will fail him just as my body fails me daily. But if God can forgive my sin and imperfections, surely he can grow anything that he wants to out of my physical struggles.
I choose to believe that everything in my life makes me a better person, because even though I mess up, God doesn't. He has a perfect plan for my life, and as scared and angry as I can be sometimes. I know that forever and always it is for my good.
It always has been.
I have so much further to grow in this life, even more than I realize. But God will get me there.
Through my pain, he can and will make me perfect.
K
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