What I find at the age of 41 and the spiritual age of 2 and a half is that it isn't the big things that throw off my way of thinking or the intentions of my heart. It's the little ones. Throw chronic illness, and emotional trauma my way and I can handle it with God's help. I pray, I surrender the whole thing right over to God. I don't think twice, I know that the big stuff I just can't handle on my own.
But the little stuff. Wow. It gets me every time. Someone slamming a door in my face. Someone telling me that I'm not smart enough. My son preferring his TV to spending time with me. My husband not telling me that he loves me for two days.
None of these things reflect truth in reality. I know that someone would not purposefully slam a door in my face. I know that I've been blessed with intelligence (if not always common sense), I know that my son loves me but it's not really cool to hang out with your mom at 15, and I know with every ounce of my being that my husband loves me more and more every day and will be with me in the world until the day that one of us doesn't live here any longer.
But that heart of mine just doesn't want to believe it.
The intention of my heart is always to serve God, to put others before myself, to live a pure and righteous life. But my heart deceives me every time and being a highly emotional person that can be a destructive force in my life. I want to love unconditionally, but I've certainly got a lot to learn about it. I want to give my everything to God's purpose but trusting God's plan for me is so hard. I am a show it to me kind of girl, which makes faith and trust a hard thing in all parts of my life.
One word. That is all it takes. One word.
That word can lift me up for hours or cast me down for days depending on what it is. So when I say the small stuff, apparently they are so small to me.
I am learning not to define my security or myself by what other people think, but when you love people with your whole heart and soul it's so hard to not do that.
Being vulnerable means getting hurt and getting hurt is not a fun thing.
I read an article today about a man pursuing God in his life and he had this to say:
"So it happened. In a moment of quiet, I experienced God.
The Divine exists as an infinite ocean of energy, an expanse of pure golden light so brilliant that it almost appears white. The love that was emanating and pulsating was so encompassing that language cannot adequately describe it. In fact my mind was too limited to understand. Yet my heart was infinitely expansive enough to feel it all. This energy is free of judgment and expectation, fully encompassing and embracing of all that is, and unconditional in its expression. There are no checklists, rules, or criteria to which one must conform. My life, my perceived mistakes, misfires and shortfalls were enough. I was enough. In fact, I was perfect."
I have experienced this exact feeling, and yet........
In my heart and my head on a daily basis I feel so far from perfect. I beat myself up. I tear myself down, and I let others do it too. My heart takes quite a beating. But this thought that I am loved exactly as I am that I am ENOUGH. That I am PERFECT in God's eyes just made me sob.
I just can't understand what he sees, because I can't yet see it. But that doesn't mean that I won't. God will reveal my perfection as I grow in this life, through loving people, through giving, through allowing others to love me. By experiencing pain, and sorrow. But that thought of how God sees me will see me through I don't have to believe that he loves me that much it's just true.
So when I am struggling with the intentions of my heart, I will look to the love that is given to me, fill myself up on it and go on in joy. I was not promised a life without suffering, but I was also promised a life of love.
Praise God for showing me exactly what my heart needs to know.
K
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