Not so long ago I was that crazy, outspoken girl that always wanted to be the center of attention. Most conversations that I had were focused around what was happening in my life and how something wasn't fair, so how someone had wronged me, or why could that person not like me. I yelled, I screamed, I bragged, I was prideful and indignant for no reason that anyone could understand. Quite honestly I felt like everyone around me should feel lucky to be around me because I was smart and funny, and pretty, and I had it all together.
Reality check. I thought I had it all together. Then my first husband divorced me, I became ill with end stage renal failure, and I saw who my true friends were. Bad circumstances tend to scare off fair weather friends, sometimes they will scare off even those you thought would take a bullet for you.
All of this happened about 5 years ago and since that time, much has changed. I met the love of my life Eric, who not only asked me to marry him while I was on dialysis, but literally saved my life a couple of times prior to me having a double organ transplant a month after we got engaged. Six months after transplant we got married on the front porch of our new house.
Funny how things that you never saw as important change when you become a disciple of Christ. That phrase makes a lot of people uncomfortable, Disciple of Christ. Religion and false teachings of people that use God to hide behind and something to manipulate people have given those who love God and therefore live to his standard and not their own, a bad rap.
People that I consider some of my best friends get uncomfortable when I bring up God, not because I am preaching at them but because I am sharing my life and how much better it is with God in it. They see rules, and I see freedom. They see rhetoric, and I see truth. They see something that is open to interpretation and I see the word of God.
Yes, I'm a Christian, yes, I live my life in a biblical way. You would think that me becoming more about changing myself into a better person would be something that everyone could get behind. But in the last three years I have found that isn't true.
People are more comfortable with someone who isn't trying to make their life better and continuously growing and changing. They want you to stay the same so that they can too.
This isn't a judgement, it's my own experience.
These days, when I say look at me first, I mean I look at myself and see what I can change about me prior to looking at someone else and telling them to change because you can't really change anyone else. It took me until I was 40 to figure that out.
I choose to follow God because I have seen how it has made my life better, in little and in major ways. These days I look at myself differently because I can look closely and see the ways that I need to grow to be closer to God and that in doing so I am more loving, more compassionate, more caring and more focused on what other people need and less on what I need.
I am no martyr, but I am so far from perfect that I appreciate the grace Christ gives me and the love that I have always been surrounded with. Even before I devoted my life to Christ, I was blessed with amazing relationhips that I treasure to this day.
But it's wonderful when you can look at your life and realize that you are now serving a purpose bigger than yourself. When instead of wanting more than what you have, you appreciate your blessings. Your perspective is different because what you care about has changed.
Being human, of course I still worry about where the money is going to come from, if I will be better or worse after my surgery next week, if my husband and I will work through any problems that arise, if I can be a better wife, mom, and person. But the doer in me now has to step back and trust. Not an easy thing to do when you are used to being a control freak. But I know that God has my best interest at heart, all the time. Romans 8 says so. :) I know that whatever is happening is what is supposed to be happening, per God's plan and not mine, and his plan is always better than mine any way.
These days I try not to worry, or give into fear. I try not to attempt to control people and situations that honestly I can't control anyway. I pray that I can continue to keep my standard as the one God laid out for me and that my goals coincide with his.
For the first time in my life I am really trying to humble out and be joyful, Even in the worse of circumstances.
None of this would be possible without the holy spirit in me and around me. None of it would happen if not for God's love for me. Do bad things happen to good people? You better believe it, but what they decide to do with it is what allows them to grow or stay the same.
So yes, good or bad I am a disciple of Christ. Yes, I choose his way over mine. Do I think that everyone should do it? Sure. I recommend at least trying it before judging it, because that is the honest way to look at things. To experience them for yourself, and to come to your own convictions one way or the other.
Me, I love my life this way, because in every situation I am encouraged to love. I really enjoy loving people even when it makes them uncomfortable.
K
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