So it will be two months since my last blog post tomorrow. I figured that I had enough time away from writing to the public to come back and hopefully write something of substance. You see, I only write when I am affected greatly by something, be it spiritually, emotionally, or physically. My need to write typically doesn't come in the positive times in my life.
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
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