Fight.

Most of my life I have consistently fought for what I wanted.  There are few moments where I can look back and say "Yeah, that was just too hard so I gave up.".  I can't think of even once when I backed up from what I was fighting for and decided it wasn't worth it.
Now.  That does not mean that I have never been shaken in my perspective.  Or that I have never broken down and sobbed in the middle of the fight.  I do not claim to be undefeated in my fights, or even closer to winning than losing in most of the battles I have undertaken.
I have screamed in agony and cried in despair.  I have beaten my hands on the floor and shaken my fists at the sky.
This is how I have always lived my life.  The state of "I just don't care" has never been a comfortable space in my life. I've always been incredibly black and white.  I have always had strong beliefs and feelings and I have always believed in expressing them.
The fight and the feelings involved in the passionate existence that I have chosen as my path can encourage someone to pick up and fight themselves or it can be a weapon dipped in my own truth.
Some people fight with compassion, and grace, and take a quieter path than I.  It took me a long time to see that sometimes the path of less resistance wasn't giving up, it was stepping back to try again later.
When you fight like I do, sometimes your feelings take over so much that logic and peace and other people's thoughts are overshadowed and forgotten.  Sometimes you get so involved in the fight that you forget what you are fighting for.  This has happened with me more times than I would like to admit.
But luckily I have been blessed as I've gotten older with something that allows me to clearly remember what I'm fighting for and why it's worth it. To figure out exactly what is worth the fight.
Most times you won't see me trying to fight someone to tell them that they are wrong.  You won't see me fighting to make everyone else eat how I do, or believe what I do.  You won't see me picketing the White House about global warming, or see me spray painting someone's property because I don't believe in fur (which I don't).
What I fight for is love. 
I will every day look at a stranger and smile at them because they look like they need it.  I will call a friend that I haven't spoken to in ten years so that I can find out what "really" happened that they posted on Facebook.  I will drive across town to take flowers to my best friend who had a bad day.  I will go and cry with another friend who just lost a loved family member.
If they tell me not to come, I will show up anyway.
Because my fight is to remember those that are important to me and love them undeniably, to be in their lives and to fight what they have to fight. Be that a health issue, money issues, relationship issues, whatever it may be, it is my fight too.
I think that we as a society have lost our ability, or at least our will to fight for what we want.  I think that subjective, objective assessment of whether or not to get involved in another person's life has overshadowed what is really needed, which is to continuously show up with open arms and say "I am here".  We are too worried about giving out our time, too worried about getting up for work, too worried about saving our energy for......ourselves.
We've forgotten that the best way to love someone is to show up.  To give of ourselves, our energy, our time.
Fighting always seems to get a bad rap.  It's usually seen in a bad light.  But I will fight to my last breath to make sure that the people in my life know how important they are.  I will fight to hug them as they push me away, I will fight to say I love you even when they don't want to hear it.
I am blessed in that this passionate need to love is built in, but equally cursed in that loving that deeply makes me vulnerable, and many times hurt.

But know this:
I will fight with you. 
You are never alone.
I love you.

Now go find someone else to fight for.

:)
K

TMI - thoughts about sharing everything

My entire life I have always been an open book.  It's always been my default to share whatever happens to be on my mind regardless of what it was or who was hearing it.
Granted in the past 30 years or so society as a whole has encouraged people to share all of their feelings.  Especially those that are sad or angry.  Because those feelings are better out than in right?
Well, I'm not sure anymore that people should bare all of their souls or at least we should all be picky about whom we share things with.  I have this belief for a number of reasons.
 I live with and love an introvert.  And even though I sometimes have to dig deep for patience because he is very self sufficient I have also learned from him that many of the things that I have always shared of myself are actually very private to him and in keeping his privacy, private, I have learned that I actually prefer that sometimes myself.
Holding things close to my own inner self has also allowed me at times to step back and decide if the feelings that I have in a situation or with a person are worth expressing or if they are a temporary feeling that will fade.  I've become a fan of making sure that I want to make a big deal out of something in the moment or if it's something I need to let go.
Expressing who you are should never be a debate, however, I've learned that words don't always do the best job at expression.  That hugs, a smile, and nuances of body language and facial expressions are a better representation of where my heart and mind are.  There is little room for doubt when someone is hugging you and means it.
I have found that sometimes I catch myself by surprise as to how I truly feel about something when I'm not putting it out there for everyone and their mother to have an opinion about.  I find that my own thoughts can provide me exactly what I need nine times out of ten and if I need input that the people closest to me are more than willing to tell me how it really is from an outside perspective.
Admittedly, there are down sides to not expressing yourself when you probably should.  People shouldn't have to guess what you are feeling, you shouldn't expect mind reading to be going on so that you don't have to share the important things in your life.  It is each of our responsibility to reach out and ask for help when we need it and tell people when something is wrong.
How we do this depends of course on our past experiences with trust and how we have been helped or hurt by situations and people in them when we shared a painful or scary experience.
Even joyful experiences can have a negative impact on us if someone else can't share in our joy.
One of the things that I have had the chance to evaluate about myself as I started to share a bit less was that I was sometimes only relaying information to people that I thought that they could handle and sugar coating the rest.
Or I would not share because I was afraid of judgment, or ridicule, or because I might hurt someone by sharing my feelings.
In essence I was playing God with my feelings and not trusting those around me to be able to handle who I really was or how I really felt.  Which was incredibly selfish and arrogant.
So instead of overthinking my feelings and who can handle them or who can't.  I come to the table in full fledged honesty these days, except that I share that honesty with less people and the details for the few friends that I know don't judge or give me tons of advice. Instead they allow me to speak while they listen and they let me work it out through hugs and love and sometimes when asked, words.
Me learning to say less has also allowed me to let other say more.  That, in and of itself is a thing that I treasure getting better at.  Being a listener allows me to learn more about the people that I care about and to put into practice the love I have for them.
So that next FB post, that next Twitter, that next conversation......decide what really needs to be said and how you really want to say it. Find kindness in your honesty.  Without overcomplicating it, find out how you really feel and what you really want to say....that is if you decide to say anything at all.

K