Re-Evaluate

I turned 40 this year.  A lot of people look at this time in their lives and think about what they have missed, what they still have left to do,  where they should be in their jobs, their family life, and their growth as a person.
None of this is wrong.  Re-evaluation of where we are as people is a constant thing that we should be doing, but looking at my life through my own eyes only gives me a limited perspective.  If I am only looking at my world using my own standards I'm not opening myself up to the amazing plans that God has for me.
I am a person who has high expectations for myself, sometimes to my own detriment.  I want to be perfect, at everything, and then when I'm not, then I feel I've let myself and others down.  The only thing that I should be worried about is the standards that God asks of me, he is incredibly more forgiving of my flaws than I am.  Probably because he knows them and what I am capable of much better than I ever will.  He created me, he made me beautiful and special and his.
When I mess up he isn't surprised.  When I fall, he knows.  When I fail, he loves me anyway.
God knows that my one and only heart's desire is to live as he wants me to.  And that is an amazing thing.  If you don't have the full picture of God's love and grace then the rules take over and it becomes overwhelming.
But if you look at what God wants, if you do it because you love him it is incredibly easy, although fighting my own doubts get in the way. 
There are a few basic truths, of course this is the Kris simplified version, never doubt that he loves you, he does.  Never doubt that what is happening is for the good (maybe not your personal good, but for the greater good in God's plan).  Follow God's way no matter what and things will always turn out better, for everyone.
If you don't know God's way, then ask, question, study his word and his character to find out what it is.  Talk to someone about it that you know loves God first.  Then live for a while in the way that God asks you to, see if it's not right, see if a burden isn't lifted from your shoulders, see if you don't bask in the love that God has for you and had all along.
I have lived both ways, without God and for the last 2 and some years with him,  life is hard either way, but when you recognize that God is always in your corner, when you look to him and trust, there is nothing like it.
Recently I've been sick.  Actually most of my life I've been sick.  I get asked all the time how I deal with it.  I get asked if I'm angry, and by the world's standards I should be.  But if I take everything as an opportunity to learn, then the titles of good and bad are taken away and everything is just something that I am learning.  It allows a freedom that I wouldn't have otherwise, a wisdom that I would never have on my own, and the ability to make choices with confidence.
If everything that I am is love, is compassion, is giving, then how can I go wrong?  If I choose pain over anger then I'm skipping hurting someone else.  If I surround myself with God's love, then I can't help but surround others with it too.
So my re-evaluation allows me to decide to let go of what I thought I wanted and accept and nurture what God wants for me.  The direction that I thought I was going changes and I start on a new adventure, a life and love without limits becoming the person that God intended me to be all along.
As always, scripture says it best,

Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

I hope that my re-evaluations of myself using God's standards lead me closer to this every day.

K

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby sister squared

The story of my sister and I goes like this.  Our parents met when I was 14 and she was 5.  I fell in love with my baby sister from the very first time we met and she fell asleep on me in the car.
We grew up in separate houses (her mom married my dad) but when we did see each other I don't really remember anything but joy and wanting to hug and protect her.
When my dad adopted her at 6 years old, I made sure that I was at the courthouse because she was going to be my family too.
I was the big sister that took her to the big city when I was in my twenties and she was a teenager.  We always had lunch at least for her birthday when she was younger.
When she went away to college and became a disciple of Christ, I believed her when she said that she had found her place with God and I saw how mature her decision was even if I didn't understand it.
Melissa met her husband to be and she got married and has two amazing children.  She celebrated her 10 year anniversary this year and I can't tell her how proud I am of her and her role as God's child, wife, mother, sister, and friend.
I have learned so much from my baby sister who grew up in the important ways long before I did.
She showed me God's love, she showed me her commitment to the life that God had chosen for her, and she saw things in me that God revealed to her that I didn't see in myself.
Melissa and I have been through sin and saved together.  We have been through sickness (lots of that) and health together.  We have always loved each other and God has always allowed us to do it as unconditionally as possible.
Biologically we aren't related, by law she is my sister, in my heart, she is the baby girl that I still want to love and protect and grow with.
In Christ we are inseparable.
Melissa
I want you and everyone else in the world to know that we were always meant to be best friends.  That God's plan was that we would forever and always love each other.  That my life would be so different if you had not been stragetically placed in it.
I love you with all of my heart and I praise God that I get to spend another year with you here in this world and forever with you in heaven.
Happy Birthday honey.

K

Grateful

Today is Thanksgiving.  It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  This year I feel incredibly blessed just to have been able to be at home with my family to spend the day with them.  I just got out of the hospital, again, on Monday.
This day is a day every year where people list what they are thankful for. Who they are grateful for and list the wonderful things that have happened to them.
My list this year is a little bit different than in years past for me.
I am grateful for my illness.  As I sit here and write this, I am surviving Type 1 diabetes, a double organ transplant, infections from a compromised immune system,  surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure and I know for sure that in this lifetime my body will need to go through so much more before it finally rests.  I'm in pain right now.
I see this illness as something to be grateful for because God doesn't give me more than I can handle and he has always given me the strength to handle whatever comes my way for the last 40 years.  I also think that in this life God gives us a choice on how to deal with the struggles of this life.
Many times I have relied on myself and I was strong enough at the time to get through, God built me strong to begin with.  But now, I rely on God and his wisdom. Now I don't know how else to make it through.
I don't know why these things happen to me.  I don't know what else is to come.  But I do know that I will survive in the arms and the love of my God.
My illness has humbled me.  It has filled me with love.  It has grown my compassion.  It has allowed me to be hurt over and over again by my own sin and other's sin and still keep going.
It has made me so incredibly weak so that God's amazing strength can be seen.
Person after person has said to me how do you do it?  How can you possibly see this as a postive thing?  How do you smile and laugh and continue the joy that you have in your life when you are going through so much?  When you may have to face worse?
That answer is easy. It glorifies God every time I say that it's not me healing myself over and over.  It's not me that has the strength to face whatever comes.  It's not me that smiles at the nurses and doctors every time there is bad news, even if through tears.
It is God.  It is Christ.  It is the Holy Spirit that resides inside me that laughs, that makes jokes about my illness, that continues to face the world with joy.  Through me and every person that God touches with the Holy Spirit there is a strength, a love, a beautiful thing that happens where God takes tragic circumstances and pours love into them.
A woman at the hospital this time came to talk to me before they discharged me and told me that sick as I was I had a smile on my face and a light in my eyes.  I told her it was God.
She looked me straight in the face and told me that she knew that just by talking to me.
That is why this illness is something that I am grateful for.  It allows God to shine, even if people don't realize that it's him, it gives me the opportunity to tell them what he has done for me and keeps doing for me.
And because I will not be here forever, there is an urgency to me talking to people about God that I just wouldn't have if I didn't know that my time here is not guaranteed and could be taken at any moment.
I have freedom to love my God openly and unashamed without worrying about what others will think because of this illness.
And I praise God for that freedom and all the other freedoms that he has given to me.  I praise him for this illness.  Thank you God for allowing my weakness so that I can see my need for you and rejoice in it.

K

The poetry of illness

It started as a disease

Something that I refused to let define me even as a child.

I was different but I thrived on being different.

I was young and didn’t know any better

I would survive

I was smart, and funny, and sweet and 8 years old.

In my innocence I believed that I would always have a handle on it

 

When I got older I realized freedom that I didn’t know would hurt me

I did things to and with my body because I thought that I was invincible

That I would blow past it and keep going

I would survive

I was fun, and free, and wild and 22 years old

However genetics were not on my side

 

Years later I would come to find out that the disease had produced a side effect

Another disease that would be the beginning of many others

That would be a reality check for a while

I would survive

I was strong, and determined, and a fighter and 31 years old

This would be the true beginning of the pain

 

I refused, as usual to let it change me into what I didn’t want to be

Life changes with or without your consent and mine did exactly that

Time and time again

I wasn’t sure that I would survive

I was sick, and abandoned, and scared and 35 years old

The fighter kept going and fought

 

Major surgery taught me about true weakness

 Something that I don’t think that I had ever truly understood

I sat and cried as others cleaned my house and gave so much of themselves for me

I almost didn’t survive

I was weak, and humbled, and changed at 37 years old

With the love of my friends and family

 

I finally believed it was the year of new beginnings

A new body, husband, son, house, and relationship with God

I was blessed, and loved, and new and 38 years old.

I knew for sure that I was going to survive

Now I look at the differences along the way

And realize that all along there was a plan

 

I started out young and hopeful

I got older and became free

I got even older and found the strength of humanity

As I matured I grew from pain, heartache, and weakness

 

Now I look back at it all

And laugh

I understand now, that I was never really whole.  Until now.

I never really felt love, Until now.

I never knew pain that hurt enough to force me to grow, Until now.

And this is my life until I leave this earth.

To grow in weakness, show faith in love, show mercy in sorrow, and grace in pain.

This is the life that was planned for me and as painful as it still might be sometimes

It is joyful, and amazing, and blessed, and mine to live

 

Though my smiles are sometimes filled with tears and my heart sometimes aches in the breaking

I know now that I don’t need to question why, I just need to trust what comes, good or bad, to make me into who I am meant to be.

Forgiven, and humbled, and loved.

 

 

 

The greatest of these.......

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Even if you aren't a Christian or ever picked up a Bible you know at least part of this scripture from a sign in Hallmark, words spoken at a wedding, or some part of it in a greeting card for a loved one.
Every time I read this, it touches me.  I like to think of myself as a loving person, that for so long that my personality has been based in love and that each day my love for God and other people grows.  My faith and this scripture tell me that God is a loving, amazing God, that I am loved and that without love that I am nothing.  But like a lot of things, I think that human beings tend to read something so many times that it becomes rote, that they start to lose meaning.  I words I love you even get used so often that they start to lose their meaning when it's something that we say because we know that we are supposed to, a habit that we have created for the people that we love.  When is the last time that I looked at my husband  or my child for no reason other than their existance and told them with my whole heart and with tears in my eyes that they are loved?  Even more so, when was the last time that I looked at them when I was angry or upset with them and genuinely looked at them with love and said those words?  So here is the Kris interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13 that makes it a little bit more personal to me and makes me really think about it instead of just reading it I want to keep using it as the amazing example of love that Christ has already given me.

"If I tell you how beautiful and intelligent and brave and amazing you are, but do not have love, I am only saying what I have said before with empty words that have been said by many others to many others over and over again. ² If I have the gift of knowing you so well that I usually can predict how you will react and can figure out situations and learn from everything that goes on around me, and if I have a faith that shows how Godly and blessed I am, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I emptied my bank account and sold my house and everything in it and gave it all away to people who needed it way more than I ever did, and talk like my body isn't that big of a deal when it's a ridiculous mess of pain and illness, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love doesn't snap at it's husband or child, love doesn't need a reason to help someone. It does not want a better job with more money so that it can have nicer things, it does not brag about how talented it is, it does not hold others to standards other than God's. ⁵ It does not bring down others to feel better about itself, it is not so selfish that it wants to be better than the person next to it, it is not easily angered, it doesn't list every thing that every person has ever done to them as an excuse to distance itself from them. ⁶ Love does not delight in hurting others with words and actions, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects others and not itself, always trusts God and not itself, always hopes in the promises of the Word, always perseveres because it has been given the blessing of the presence of God.

⁸ Love never fails. But where I think I know better than others, this will cease; where I talk like I know what I'm talking about , I will be stopped; where I think that I am so smart, it will fade away. ⁹ For we know from our experiences and we can see our future in part, ¹⁰ but when God's completeness comes, what I think I know will mean nothing. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, in God's eyes I am still a child. And only when I became a part of God's kingdom did I even start to become the person that God had planned me to be. ¹² For now we see only what we choose to and what God reveals to us; then we will see all of God's truth. Now I know myself in part; then God will show me myself fully, God created me and has always known who I am and who I will become..

¹³ And now these three remain: faith in Christ, hope in His promises through his Word and the love that I couldn't have without my God. But the greatest of these is love that comes from God that he allows me to share with others."

K

Let me think about it.......

How many times in a day do you hear someone say the words, "I'm not sure, let me think about it"?  I personally have many examples in my life where I've either said those words or I have just avoided the subject completely by promising something that never comes to be.  There are people on both sides of this subject, those that really and truly need to think about what you are asking of them so that they can make an informed decision.  There are also those that say that so that they don't have to tell you that they don't have time, or they really honestly want to but never really get around to doing what you've asked.  I've fallen into both of these categories.....very rarely do I give a distinct yes or a distinct no when someone asks me to do something, because my life is so demanding already.
In our society today it's absolutely wonderful when someone goes and just does something for someone else when they are asked to do it, let alone when they aren't.
There was an amazing story of a man who heard about the lack of kidneys available for transplant for the 3 year waiting list who just walked into a hospital one day and offered his kidney to whomever it matched.  I'm a transplant patient and if I were healthy I don't know if I would even do that.
I'm not saying walk into your local hospital and save someone's life, but it seems to me that we've lost the art of charity.
We write a check and send it to a charity when we are moved by something that someone else is doing, and there is nothing wrong with that, but when was the last time one of us got our hands dirty in an act of charity?
When did we go and pray at a hospital with strangers that didn't have friends or family to be there for their surgery?
When did we offer to work the line in a soup kitchen EVERY Saturday, not just 2 times a year?
When was the last time that we went to a third world country and lived in a cement hut for just a week to help orphans?
Let's get a little bit more personal here,  when was the last time that a friend had a health issue or needed babysitting, or needed money, and you just assumed that someone else would help them take a shower, or watch their kids, or give them twenty dollars? 
When was the last time that you just spent time with someone without having something else planned an hour later so that they have your full attention for as long as they need it?
When is the last time that you stayed at work longer so that someone else could leave early to go and see their family before you did?
You see, my belief is that charity is sacrifice, and if it isn't, then it's not really something that you are giving for the right reason.  Don't get me wrong, we all do what we can, but do we?
When it's inconvenient for us to drive across town to take dinner to a friend, do we still do it?
When we have to look at the ugliness of sick children do we still go and read them stories in the hospital?
When our parents start to get older, because we have kids and our lives are so much busier than theirs, do we still expect them in their 60s and 70s and 80s expect them to come and visit us?
I'm as guilty as the rest.  But I try not to be.  I try very hard to be committed to the things that I devote myself to, and these days I try very hard to not devote myself to everything, but to make the important things count.
We spread ourselves too thin, and then truly we are not useful to anyone.  When was the last time that you sat down and thought about how you were going to spend your free time and it wasn't about you? When was the last time you didn't plan it but you had some free time and went to help someone else?  Unexpected grace is always an amazing thing.  One of my favorite scriptures says it best,  Matthew 5:34-37:³⁴ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. ³⁶ And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. ³⁷ All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. 
So I for one want to cut back on my "let me think about it" statements and leave more free time in my schedule so that my yes is a yes and my no is a no.  I want to truly give and not just phone it in.  I truly hope that I can.

K

Two years in Christ and I still have so much to learn

Today is what I call my spirithday.  Two years ago today I made the decision to live my life for Christ and to consider heaven my home, not the world that I currently live in.
The last two years on my spirithday I look back and remember what it was like on the day that I decided to devote my entire life to the love and pursuit of God's word and the life of a disciple of Christ.
I remember waking up that monring and reading the entirety of 1 Peter (still one of my favorite parts of the Bible to read), I remember that my sister Melissa and her husband had come all the way from South Carolina to watch my life change as I came out of my baptism with the holy spirit now guiding me instead of my own internal thoughts.
I remember my husband, and my son being there and watching.
But most of all, what I remember, more than anything is coming up out of the water sobbing.  There are no words to describe it, there is no way that I can tell you the relief, the joy, the weight that was lifted within 3 seconds of baptism.
It's impossible to explain to someone who has never studied God's word and then decided that whatever life God has for them is better than any life they could have planned for themselves.  It's hard to explain the love and compassion that are in my heart that weren't there before.  It's impossible to tell someone that you were made a new creation by Christ in the 3 seconds that you were in the water.
But it's true.  Believers will tell you it's the holy spirit and I'm filled with it, I will tell you that.
Others will say that I needed something to believe in after all of the struggles that my health and the rest of my life threw at me, and that's not necessarily untrue, but it's not why I chose what I did.
Some will say that I've been brainwashed and that I can't think for myself.  That isn't true either. (Especially if you know how head strong and willful I can be).
People who haven't experienced God's love in it's purest form cannot understand.  In a world that demands that we give in to our own needs and wants, a life of sacrifice in the name of God isn't understood or validated.  Being kind to people without expecting something in return, especially credit, is almost frowned upon.
Living your life for Christ and being open and honest about it regardless of who you are talking to is offensive to some people.
Not because they are bad people but because they don't understand it. I didn't understand it for 38 years and then I decided to look into it for myself.  I asked questions, I wanted proof, I demanded answers, and then I believed.  I am sure that the women who were in my bible studies wondered where some of these questions came from.
I wanted reassurance, I wanted promises, I wanted a better life here. But biblically I'm not entitled to that.  Honestly, I wasn't created for that purpose.
Once I took a solid look at where I had been and where I could be, I was convicted.  At that moment I couldn't imagine a life without God leading it.
So two years ago today I committed myself to living in God's way and God's truth.  I have never regretted it and I grow closer to him and closer to the person that I was meant to be every day.  What freedom I have experienced in the last 2 years!  What grace and love have been put into my eyes for me to see.
The fact that my life is still hard is ok, the fact that I still don't always get my way is also ok, because what matters now is so different than what mattered before.  I hope that people no longer see me, I hope that they see Christ.  Everything good in me came from him. My gifts, my love, my heart, my soul, my joy, my happiness, and my personality.  All him, working through me to better love and touch those around me.  I pray that I continue to let him do it until the day I die.
Two years later, I am still excited to be a disciple of Christ and I can't wait to see what he has planned for me next.

K

What Standards do I believe in?

All people think differently, feel differently, handle things differently.  There is no one way for things to go, there are always choices.
We as people believe in our choices, fight for our freedom to make them, and ultimately desire to make the right choices.  Other than ourselves who is there to tell us we made the right choice?
Our parents, our friends, the people we work with, highly intelligent people that we don't know but see credentials to show that they know what they are talking about.  Work leaders, political leaders, even religious leaders can all be trusted and when they can't be trusted then we can just count on ourselves, right?  Because we are a highly intelligent, highly adaptable, and highly intuitive race.
Thinking that we are right has gotten us where?
Look around you.
People are starving, there is illness everywhere, corruption is rampant in our world and not just in politics.  We find it good when others fail and make us look good by comparision, we find it interesting to watch other peoples lives unravel on the television.  We are continuously saved from being the bottom of the barrel of humanity by setting standards for ourselves that we know that we can meet and then thinking ourselves better than others because we can do them.
We take credit for our own gifts and talents and when something in our life is wrong then we find someone or something (if my parents were more supportive, if only such and such situation didn't happen) to blame for our failures.
We aren't comfortable showing people our real selves.  When I say real selves I mean that deep inner part of you that only you and God know exists.  That part that cries alone in your room because you don't want others to perceive you as weak, that part of you that is so strong that people are impressed, except it's not really strength, it's bravado or arrogance.  That part of you that is afraid that God is real and is very disappointed in you.
Why is there this ingrained thought in ourselves that we think that we know not just what's best for ourselves but for everyone else?  Let me tell you, I spent most of my life living by my own standards and for a long, long time that worked.  There wasn't anything wrong with it because I knew what was best for me.  Except that I didn't.
Answer this question, when was the last time that you made a decision about your own life that didn't hurt someone?  You see we live our lives thinking that we live in a bubble," well, if I do this then it won't affect anyone else, I'm just going to do it."  And that's on the generous days when we don't just skip to the decision without thinking about someone else's feelings.
I hate to tell you this, but that isn't true.  I am a disciple of Christ and I make no secret of that, and I do my absolute best to allow God to dictate what choices I should make in my life because he gave me the Bible to tell me how to do it and the Holy Spirit inside me to give me his strength, energy, and compassion to be a better person.  There is this crazy idea out there that Christians are just mindless drones that do whatever they are told.  And although that can be true for some Christians, I refuse to believe it for one reason and one reason alone.  God's plan always, every single time, works out better than mine.
The bible says put God first and make choices according to his word and when I'm smart enough to choose that, it's true.  Here's the tricky part.  I don't always know right away that the choice that I made is the right one.   I may not know until the day that I die whether some were right or wrong.  But I can give you example after example of things that I didn't want to do God's way that benefited me and those around me.  My marriage is stronger because I allow my husband to lead our household (feminist friends feel free to gasp)  because I trust Eric?  Yes.  But more so because I trust God.  I am a better friend now than I used to be, because I respect my friends opinon, even if they don't agree with mine, but if they are doing something that could hurt them I talk to them about it.  Biblically speaking the life of a true disciple of Christ is filled with sacrifice, pain, and suffering.  So who willingly signs up for that?  All of us that believe that the standard of God is the only one to live by.
Those of us that see that we are blessed and not cursed on a daily basis regardless of the obstacles in our path and the pain that life and the world has dealt us.  Those of us who have been alone, prayed and realized that alone is no longer a word that is necessary in our vocabulary.
Don't get me wrong, occaisionally I slip back into thinking that my standards are better and I stomp my feet and demand my way is better.  Then I see myself and reconsider.  My life devoted to me is short-sighted, and narrow, and selfish and provides no solice, no safety, and no peace.  My life devoted to Christ gives me all of those things and much more.
God's standards are meant for all mankind to follow.  If you don't believe me, then try it and find out.  It's always so easy to say that those standards don't work for you if you've never picked up a Bible, learned about Jesus and chosen to walk in the ways of God.  I've done both and I would pick God's way every time.

K

Pride

The dictionary describes pride as the following:

pride

   /praɪd/ Show Spelled [prahyd]  noun, verb, prid·ed, prid·ing.

noun

1.

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2.

the state or feeling of being proud.

3.

a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

4.

pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.

5.

something that causes a person or persons to be proud: His art collection was the pride of the family.

 

Let me rewrite each of these definitions as I see them.

 

1. I'm better than you.

2. Feeling like I'm better than you.

3. Entitlement because I think I'm better than you

4. I did this and you should think I'm better than you because of my intelligence, effort, etc.

5. Materialism because I'm better than you, look at all this stuff I have

 

Pride doesn't sound quite as appealing when we write it out that way does it?  Yet our culture encourages us to be proud.  Proud to be an American (American's are better than other cultures),  Proud to be a mom, (I wasn't gifted with this child, I created them and all the good stuff is because of me), Proud of my child ( because without me, they wouldn't be as awesome as they are or have accomplished what they have).

That is just the top three from a Google search I just did about "proud to be".

As a follower of Christ, proud should be the last word in my vocabulary to be said, acted out, or thought.  Because I know that I'm an American, because he chose to put me here, where I have a home, food, a family and a healthcare system to take care of me.

I'm a mom, me specifically, because God blessed me with Luke, I didn't bear this child but he was given to me because he needed a mom in his life and I needed him to learn some very important lessons that God had to teach me.

My kid is great because God created him, because God gave him a loving father and mother, and because God blessed him with a heart to love.  That didn't have anything to do with me or him.

 

I think that I need to find a different word to use for when something is right in my life, or even when something is wrong.  I am blessed to be an American, I am encouraged that I am a mom, I am humbled that my child is such a great kid.  Because those words better describe what is really going on.  That God has given me all of these things and that I am grareful for them.

I am a very prideful person, it's something that I am trying to grow out of but it's a part of my nature and so it's difficult to see in myself sometimes.  It helps to write on this blog and just be honest and open about it.

Here are some examples to God be the Glory, not to Kris Gartley:

I have always been very intelligent - God gifted me with that.

I survived several serious illnesses and still am - God has a purpose for me so he kept me alive.

I have a beautiful family that loves me very much - God surrounded me with love and support in human form to encourage my faith in Him.

I have a job - God provides

I have an amazing church body that I belong to - God wants me to learn how to draw closer to him

 

The list could go on and on.  Pride is me thinking that I've done all of these things for myself.  Thinking that I am so smart, so talented, so loving......and all of those gifts are simply God working through me to show others that he is here and he loves me, and them.

So those of you that know me, help me to see the pride in myself and to give the glory to God always.  Without him, I am nothing.  That is truth.

 

K

Who am I?

At 40 years old I sometimes still look at myself and ask the question, who am I? Why am I on this earth?  What job am I supposed to have?  How should I be spending my free time? What should I do to make my world a better place?  What clothes should I wear today? What TV do I have time for?  What books do I want to read?  Does my co worker think I'm a nice person?  Did that girl just give me a dirty look? When will I get my bathroom redone?  How will I handle it when I need another surgery? What color lipstick should I wear today?  What did I do for myself today?  Where will I be in my life in another 20 years?
Yup.  Even at 40 my brain moves at the speed of light from one thought to the other.  When I was little I would have to stop and explain how I got from one thought to another within a 2 minute period because 12 other thoughts would go from one to the other and if you didn't know the path that my thoughts took then the beginning thought made no sense with the end thought.
I, like most people, like to think that I am a very complicated person.  I have been though a lot health wise in my life.  I've been though a divorce and lost my ability to have children. I have always been very social, very smart, and very emotional. This is how I perceive myself.  Funny, loving, joyous, and intelligent.
The thing is, none of this is a lie.  I can be funny, I can be loving, I can be joyous and I am intelligent.  However, these are not the things that I should choose to define me.  Some people might ask why, well the answer is something that I fight to remember on a daily basis.
It's not me.
Every ounce of talent, personality, and intelligence that I have is God given.  I didn't work for it, I didn't create myself, I didn't pick and choose the good stuff that I wanted for what I wanted myself to be.  I was born this way, moreover, I was born screaming and crying into this world and without God's guidance that is exactly who I still am. That isn't complicated, selfishness is very simple.
My nature is sinful.  Certain people gasp sometimes when I say that out loud, but luckily God also gifted me with truth 2 years ago when I was baptized.  For 38 years I saw myself the way that I chose to, I still do if I don't keep growing in Christ.
Let's face it, it's easier to see myself as how I would like to be rather than how I am.
I am selfish and prideful and I gossip and I hurt people with my opinion that isn't even asked for.  I can be disrespectful, I can be hurtful, and I can completely see a situation only in how it affects me and forget that anyone else has feelings or thoughts in the same situation.
It's very easy to forget that I didn't create myself.  In fairness God loves me enough that he gave me free will, but what do I do with that?  Do I wake up everyday and think, how can I help God today?  Is that my first thought?
Do I wake up and think about what I need to do at work, in school, for my husband, and for my child?  None of these are things that I shouldn't be thinking about.  God gave them to me and he expects me to love and appreciate them.  He expects gratitude.
But more than anything, God expects me.  All of me, not the parts that I am willing to let him have, not the parts that need help, or the pretty parts that are ok to show him, All Of Me.  He knows anyway, but he wants humility, he wants praise, he wants me to rely on him.
I'm a parent now and I watch how my son reacts to his dad sometimes and how my husband responds.  Even if Eric is angry with our son you can see how hurt he is by the disrespect that the kiddo sometimes dishes out.  I can see the unconditional love that he has for our son and that in every part of Eric is the need to protect and love and care for our son.  Our son that is almost 15 years old.  Love like that never goes away.  That "I love you because I created you and I love you so much more than I could ever love myself" kind of love.
At 4 months God loved me like that, at 4 years, at 14, and now at 40.  If I live to be 100 God will love me like that, now, and forever.  He feels that way about every human being on the planet.
That is who I am.  A beloved daughter of God.  That is really who God made me to be and I rejoice in it.

When did I get so Selfish?

Today was a hard day  I had the normal stuff, going back to work, dealing with people at work that frustrate me, running to get pain pills from the doctor before work and a doctor's appointment on my lunch break that made yet another defining decision in my health life that I wasn't happy about. 
Then I was in too much pain to go to church or do anything else for that matter, and then I had a whopper of a discussion with my husband that was just barely not an all out fight.

Has anyone noticed me complaining yet?

Not outright, no, in fact most people would read this post and be like, wow Kris, you had a really hard day.  But was it really?

No.  It wasn't.  Work was what it's expected to be, work.  Getting pills and doctor appointments have become every week kinds of things for me, and bad news about my health.  Well I've only got one body and it will last as long as God decides it will.  The pain, temporary, the fight, I love Eric and he loves me and we hurt each other good and proper, but we will be together forever because that's who we are and we are blessed to have each other. I specifically am blessed to have found someone who loves me so much.

I see in myself this tendency, to never want what I have and to want everything that I don't.  What is that entitlement issue?  Pride.  I deserve better than this.  How dare I only have a loving God, a family that adores me, a beautiful house with a dog and 3 cats?  How could I ever possibly be happy with a job that pays the bills, friends who care deeply for me and would do just about anything to help me?  How badly do I have it that I am spiritually challenged by God through people, circumstances, and suffering almost daily?

Seriously?  That is the way I think sometimes.  All  of the blessings that I have in a day are wiped out because of a couple of bad things happening?  Then I act like I deserve better.  So what is it that I actually really want to be better? 

Do I delve deep into myself and say, wow, my life would be so much easier and happier if I just expected less?  Or do I look at the world and the people around me to provide more than what I already have?  Do I make other's responsible for my happiness?

Where is my grace?  Where is my forgiveness? Where is my love for goodness sake?

So here is the truth from my perspective and God's, be content.  Now, this is not an excuse to get lazy in my relationships, or to take a break from working.  But this is an honest to goodness look at my heart and realize that nobody owes me anything.

That's right, you heard it here first.(not really)  The world doesn't owe me anything.  They didn't ask me to exist, they didn't demand that I come here and start complaining from the moment that I arrived about how hard my life is.

I can't walk a mile in my own shoes without finding something I don't like, let alone having to walk in the shoes of a cancer patient, or a starving child in Africa, or a tortured woman who has no say as to who her body is given to.  Yet as I was talking at(yes, at him) my poor Eric and telling him how hard things were for me, the voice in the back of my head (it was God) was saying, "this man loves you and you are hurting him", yet I still kept going.  I watched the sadness come into his eyes and watched as he stopped being walled in and became hurt.
Was that my goal?

It wasn't, but it didn't stop me from being selfish and awful and in that moment everything that I don't like about myself.  Why?  Because I'm selfish.  I'm working on it, but man, when it comes out it really comes out.

I am incredibly blessed and yet I allow myself to overlook all that I have so that I can focus on the one thing that I can't.  I should be content with anything I have let alone everything I have but that entitlement and selfishness shows up every time and it always costs me or someone I love something.
Scripture says: Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
People say that's about money, but really it's about God promising never to leave or forsake me.  That should be enough.

Hopefully I can start to put my own needs and wants and desires on the back burner and let someone else have what they want for a change.  I think that God will give me contentment in that if I let him.

Kris

Pain grows to Perfect

I wrote an email today to the women that pray for me.  Those women who are full of compassion and love and who encourage me with scripture and kindness.  The two scriptures that were sent to me today were Psalm 18 and Psalm 19, by two different women.  You have to love how God works.
You see, the email was about the pain that I have been in for, well, today it seemed like my whole life, but really this pain has been the past 6 weeks.
I tried to wait it out.  I wanted to see if it would get better.  I wanted so very much for the simple pill that the doctor had given me to treat what was going on in my body to be all that my body needed.  Because the only other option was surgery.  A full hyterectomy.
Any woman, even those who profess that they never want children, stops and thinks what that means when a part of you is going to be removed that God gave you for the specific reason of bearing children.  Intellectually and emotionally I already went through all of these feelings when I decided to have myself fixed (I'll spare you the details) and become unable to have children last year.  Even though I was a double organ transplant patient who probably couldn't have a child without serious damage to my body, even though I was 39 years old and didn't want to have a child at that age, even though my son is almost 15 years old and Eric and I decided not to have anymore.  I was devestated.
I would never be able to make a baby that belonged to my husband and I.  Something that we created together that God created for us.
I learned today that I still felt that way,  that the yearning to bare a child doesn't really go away when you find someone that you love so much that you want a little person that has parts of both of you in them.
I am a blessed woman to be so in love with my husband that I want that.  More importantly I am a blessed woman that God already gave me a son that I love incredibly and that loves me back.  So my pain at not being able to have a child was soothed and comforted by the gift that God gave me in Lucas, my amazing and wonderful child.  We may not be blood related, but he is mine and I am his and neither one of us would have it any other way.
Getting to the pain of my body today was overwhelming, I hadn't felt well in days, I haven't been able to sleep through the night, I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy, I'm sensitive, and there are times when I am outright miffed.  I keep wondering why this body has to go through so much, I keep having mini pity parties for the physical and emotional pain that has been a central theme of my life. I keep thinking that I just need to buck up and pull myself out of it.  But then I remember one of my own favorite scriptures that is one of the few that I have committed to memory (on a funny note , my meds make it hard for me to remember things) 1 Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
As humbling as that scripture is, it gives me immense hope that in my weaknesses, and there are a lot of them and most definitely not just physical, God shines!  God is stronger in his weaknesses more than I could ever fathom even if I had the perfect body.  So there is no need to have any body, thought, feeling, or anything that doesn't help me to grow into the perfect person God intends for me to be in heaven.  So God gives me what I need in this life, not necessary what I want.
Understand, it will never happen in this life.  I will never be perfect here, I will obey God, and his laws, but I will fail him just as my body fails me daily. But if God can forgive my sin and imperfections, surely he can grow anything that he wants to out of my physical struggles. 
I choose to believe that everything in my life makes me a better person, because even though I mess up, God doesn't.  He has a perfect plan for my life, and as scared and angry as I can be sometimes. I know that forever and always it is for my good.
It always has been.
I have so much further to grow in this life, even more than I realize.  But God will get me there.
Through my pain, he can and will make me perfect.

K

When is busy unproductive?

Lately I have looked at my life and seen that I am incredibly busy.  I am working full time as well as trying to get a job that working full time pays me what my experieince and education say I should at minimum make.  (Don't worry this is not a tangent about the fact that I don't make enough, I have a job and I am blessed). I am taking 12 credits at a time in 10 week online courses in an effort to finish my bachelor's degree that I have been trying to get for 9 (yes, you read that correctly) years by the end of this year.  I am a full time wife and a full time mom, I am a part time yoga instructor and I am in a serious effort to make time for all of my friends so no one is offended or upset. On top of all of this I have my health issues which I need to make sure quite honestly I pay attention to first.
I am so busy that I go to bed exhausted, wake up tired, and am finding life to be, well, not fun.
My life has been not fun for a long time now, I've been sick, I've been working, I've kept taking on more and more and more responsibility and not expecting anyone else to o anything.  Or even to help.
Now and again I get off of my high horse (that would be a sin called pride) and put away my insecurities about not being good enough (I know, I fool a lot of people including myself with my bravado confidence) to see that I need to slow down, that if I slow down I won't miss something, I may actually see something really important in this blur that I call my life.
I will appreciate that my husband and son and I are a beautiful family.  As imperfect as we are separately that together we make an amazing team.
That I have a talented and sensitive and loving son that wants to love so badly, who doesn't judge on accomplishments or really about anything but is happy as long as he's loved and hugged and kissed, even at almost 15.
That my husband has grown immensely in the last 5 years in his love, in his willingness to help, in his communication and in his devotion to me and our family.
I am finding that I am growing ever closer to God, that I make my quiet times of reading the bible and praying really count because the days just don't go well without it and let's face it everything is easier to deal with when you know that God's got your back.
I am also learning that being busy doesn't mean that I am accomplishing anything of any real importance.
Do the dishes need done, of course they do, but not right this second and not even tomorrow as long as they aren't causing a literal stink in the kitchen.
Does my kiddo need to clean his room?  Of course he does, but it's more important to give him a hug and help him have his quiet time with God and with me or his dad.
Do I have to work?  Yes, but not so much that it is something that I lose time from other things that I love to be there.
Do I have to go to school?  At this point that is a yes, only because I'm almost done, but I don't have to have straight As, I need to finish so that I can take that time and put it towards other things.
Booking myself so solidly with things to do and things that I want to do and having a plan for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is not just unrealistic but silly.
Do I need to cook dinner every night or is better if I save some money and have a date night with my wonderful husband instead.
No one person can accomplish everything that I want to accomplish in one lifetime and actually enjoy it.  So here is a prayer for myself and for those that are like me to maybe help us out.
Father God
Thank you.  Without your love and your gifts I would have nothing and I would not be able to book a solid schedule.
Help me to see that if you are first always that everything will fall into the places where you deem them necessary to be and help me to not question why but to know that you do everything for my good, whether I see that or not.
Let me see that there is an order to things that is biblical and that if I follow it that things are much smoother regardless of circumstance: God, health, husband, family, church family, and everything after that is a choice to be busy or not to be.
Let me be full of your love so that I can spread to others without resentment and with a pure and loving heart that wants to serve them. Let me put my own needs and wants on the back burner.  Knowing that you will ensure my growth and that in turn will ensure my eternal happiness even if not my momentary happiness.
Allow me time to rest, even if I cannot be peaceful, let me be content in your arms.
Show your mercy on me when I let you down but not putting you first and let me be grateful for that mercy.
Thank you for being my Lord and savior and for gifting me a life so full of blessings that I get to pick which to keep.  How amazing you are God.
Your forever daughter,

Kris

An example of humility and how hard it can be.

Let me start by reiterating that this post (other than the first paragraph and the last line) was written by Rebekah Moan.  All of it.  Somehow reading it helped me to understand how stubborn and prideful I can be and brought back moments after my transplant of crying while I let Missy do my laundry and Jeanne clean my bathroom because I was too weak and too sick to do it myself.  End story, ask for help.

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene
When given the chance, I would much rather bear pain on my own, thank-you-very-much. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable and ask for help. To share my pain with someone else.
I think partly it’s from my upbringing—living in the U.S. self-sufficiency is valued. We so often praise the individual who has done extraordinary things and see it as a sign of strength that they accomplished all of it on their own.
I can understand that; it’s led to a lot of independence and innovation. However, I’m also noticing a shift in understanding, of how no one is an island, we are all interconnected, and everything we do affects others.
It’s easy to want to hole up and hunker down when the going gets tough, to “grin and bear it” and keep others in the dark. Being human means I’ve had my share of pain, but I’m also coming to value sharing my pain with others.
I’ve come to believe we are not meant to bear pain on our own.
A few years ago while adjusting the volume on my cellphone, I tripped down the stairs. (Note to self, pay more attention when walking down the stairs.)
My ankle swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and I had ugly purple and black bruises to boot. I tore some ligaments and had a suspected fracture. Needless to say I would not be running any marathons in the immediate future.
It was painful not only on a physical level, but also an emotional one. In my experience, being basically bed-ridden brought up all the issues I normally didn’t have to face—one of those being humility.
I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do laundry because that required going down stairs, I couldn’t grocery shop, I couldn’t do anything but lie in my bed with my ankle propped on what seemed to be a thousand pillows.
As someone who prides herself on being independent, this was excruciating. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help, and there I was, needing it in a very big way.
I’m not an expert on this topic (if such an expert exists!) so the only thing I can do is share with you my own experience.
Humility is not thinking I am inferior or superior to anyone else; it means understanding who I am and what I am capable of.
When I sprained my ankle I wasn’t capable of very much, which leads me into three tips for asking for help, because ultimately, bearing pain alone is a choice to grow weak. We need help.

1. Admit what you’re incapable of.

While immobilized, I realized I was literally incapable of doing things I used to take for granted. That humility took me off the “should” train (i.e. I “should” be able to wash my dishes) and put me on the track of asking for help.

2. Swallow your pride.

This is closely aligned with step one but it’s not exactly the same. It’s fine and dandy to admit I couldn’t wash my own dishes, but I was still tempted to try anyway. Swallowing my pride meant not only was I unable to wash my dishes, but also admitting someone else could.

3. Ask for help.

The previous two steps finally culminated in asking for help. I called my dear friend, crying, because I had a sink full of dishes and couldn’t stand long enough to clean them. She was happy to come over and wash them for me.
I think quite often in U.S. society there’s an emphasis on doing. It’s often advised that we get out there and help others, that we be of service, that we put aside our own troubles. But not much is talked about being the receiver.
A friend of mine reminded me there are two parts to service: giving and receiving. That means somebody has to be on the receiving end. Somebody has to ask for help. Somebody has to say, “I can’t do this alone.”
I know this post focused on physical pain, but it applies to mental, emotional, and spiritual pain as well.
I dream of a world where we all ask for help when we need it.
A world where we understand it’s weakness not strength that binds us. A world where we see true strength and humility is about knowing when to ask for help. A world where we understand we were never meant to suffer through pain on our own.
Because of my own change and transformation, I know another world is possible.

It's me again, so the story is the same as always, in our weaknesses, God can show his strength, we just need to ask for His help.

Kris

Contentment

Philippians 4:12
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

So who here is content?  I mean really, completely, I've got nothing to complain about content?  Your relationships are thriving, your job is exactly what you hoped for, you have that degree that you worked so hard for, you are exactly where you want to be in your life.  You've got the house, the cars, the health, the wealth and you lack nothing, except maybe a new computer and an 80 inch TV.

In the world we live in contentment is defined by the stuff you own, which really to be quite honest, usually owns you.  Contentment is having the right things, knowing the right people, having the right style, saying the right thing.

What happened?

When did all of us start looking to instant gratification for contentment, when did being happy mean contentment?  For me, happiness and contentment are not always mutually exclusive, but they aren't the same thing either.  The NIV bible uses the word content 16 times and the word happiness 6 times and they are never used in the same scripture...it makes you think.
According to Webster's dictionary content means "a state of satisfaction".  The same book says that happy is defined as "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment".

I may be splitting hairs here, but the dictionary just told me that  have to be content before I can be happy?  Biblically that makes all the sense in the world.

How happy can we be when we are chasing after things that God may not have intended us to have? How happy can we be when we rely on material things, people who aren't perfect and never will be, and feelings that change faster than we can keep up for our contentment?

I think that as a country, as a world, we have lost sight of what God intended. Simplicity.  I'm as guility of it as the next person.  I'm writing on a blog on a computer, if my computer died right now, yeah, 1st world problem.Truth.

I really want to make the concerned effort to look at my life and peel away the things that impede my contentment, the insecurities that rock me to the core, the selfishness that I allow to yell "me first!", the pride that I permit in my life that makes me irrational in my expectations and demanding of the people that I love the most.

God has got this.  If I would just stop pushing for what I don't have and focus on all of what he has given me, AMEN, my life would be so much easier.  Contentment would reside in my heart and peace would be granted.  It's not my nature, but God is revealing that it can be if I so choose.

That right there is the rub, you have to choose it, you have to choose to be content with what you have, to live where you are, in the body that you are in, in your circumstances and then gratefully hand them over to God to allow him to give you the gift of contentment.

However, don't just sit there and wait for God to do all the work.  Get on your knees and ask.

Kris

For my friends that are sick and wounded

Isn't that just the way.  As  I sat in my room thinkng of all of my own struggles and issues and problems  I see a post on my FB page from a beautful woman that I love very much about some health issues.
I wanted to be there to support and love her.  I wanted to pray with her.  I wanted to talk to her and let her know that God would help her and loved her so very much.  I wanted to help her pretend that her life was ok.
You see she and I have that same problem. When things go bad, very bad, it is common for us to put that happy face on and believe with all of our hearts (and say with our mouth to everyone else).  It's not really that big of a deal.  God's got this.
The truth is, that God does have it.  That we are all incredibly and wonderfully made and that even those of us who have illnesses that have somewhat taken over our lives, still have to consider ourselves lucky that we were given a life chosen by God.
Really, who has a life that doesn't have issues?  Who has a life that turned out exactly the way that they wanted it to?  And if they have that life, how much energy and effort goes into trying to keep it at all costs? 
I have so many amazing, Godly, wonderful people in my life that are sick.  People that were sick before I was born and people that are sick and 20 years younger than I am.  Men and women who have strong faith, strong people that love them, and a God that will only give them what they can take.
We say we can't take much more, we say that if one more awful thing happens in this life or in the world that we just won't be able to manage.
We are right.  If we try to do it alone.
I have watched women and men that I love struggle to breathe, to talk, to sit up, to care for themselves and their families.  I have watched them in pain, I have watched the emotions of their illnesses stretch across their faces and reveal more about their faith than they even realize.
I have prayed for each of them knowing that God gave this to them to bare, because they could.  He built them strong enough to do it.  And I am astounded by the strength that He gave them, the humility that they have in their struggles, and the lack of complaints or anger.
Each of us has our cross to bare, literally, and of course I identify with my friends that are chronically ill because it's something that we have in common.  I see myself in them, but it also humbles me to watch them handle horrible prognosis' with grace, compassion, and faith.
It's messy being a human being. Those feelings of anger and pain and desperation that we fight so hard eventually come out and take us by surprise if we aren't expressing them. If we don't ask for help.  That isn't just directed at my sick friends. :)
Life is a short thing, my advice is simple, get right with God, love as much as you can, be true and open with your feelings and let people help you.
I wrote this to myself as much as to anyone else.
This life is a battle, to some a more obvious one than others.  Time to take sides and fight for what's right.  The war is already won and God awaits the wounded in heaven.  That is where real life resides.

K

I am the temple

I believe that when I was baptized into Christ that my soul became a place where the Holy Spirit resides.  I believe that anyone that truly loves Christ is willing to sacrifice their own needs and put the needs of God's Kingdom first.(Mark 16:16)  The Bible says so, and the truth is that the Bible is the word of God and God is never wrong. (2 Timothy 3:16) Studying the Bible has given me the opportunity to see truth, God's and not my own.  But wow, it's hard to look at life sometimes and see that God has a much bigger plan than the plans I have in this world for myself.  I've been reading a book called 66 Love Letters recently in my quiet time with God and the scriptures that correlate with it (the 66 books of the Bible) and found a quote from the book that touched my heart so deeply this morning that I had to share it.  It hit to the heart of how I try to balance what my life once was and what it is now, the two cannot share the same place because the Holy Spirit resides where my own wants and desires once were, and now God is changing them, slowly but surely to want what he wants.  Because he loves me, because he knows what's best for me.  For the control freak in me, I have a hard time letting go of what I want for myself sometimes.  Let's be honest, it's an ongoing battle until heaven.
"You cannot now enjoy what you once did.  The satisfaction of earlier days are no longer available.  Life feels empty. Not much fun. I invite you to delight in your distress. Nothing else provides the same opportunity to move strongly and joyfully into life on the basis of My promises alone, the promises of My Presence now and My satisfaction forever.  Seizing that opportunity will free you to passionately engage life for My purposes with no demands."
The Holy Spirit can hurt in it's knowledge sometimes, I can now see things that I have done to hurt people in my Sin so much more clearly now and yet I still resist change.  I mistakenly think that I am enough on my own, but I'm not.  God created me for a purpose of his chosing and not mine.  Now I just need to be humble enough to trust that and let him lead me towards what He has planned for me.  Starting with putting to death my pride and my need to be special, will allow me to see that I have always been special to God and that is really all that matters in the end.

K

Romans 5:1-5 NIV
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we  also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Yup.  It's one of those days.  And for anyone who doesn't know yet, those days happen often for me physically.  This body of mine has been through a lot.  One of the reasons that I use social media and a blog is for that very reason, sometimes I'm just in too much physical pain to go anywhere.  Or I have to save up my energy to do something really important.
Today, two of my good friends Johnny and Rochelle are getting married.  Praise God I am so incredibly happy for them!  So I am not doing homework, I am missing a women's devo that I really want to go to, and I am going to lie in bed for a couple of hours praying and meditating on this scripture so that I can celebrate the beginning of an amazing thing with my friends.
I don't really know why this is my lot in life, to have this body, but I don't question it.  I get mad about the things I can't do sometimes, I get frustrated, and I cry a lot.  But maybe this is not something that you just get through, any person with a chronic illness will tell you that.  You don't just get through the days most times, you push through them, or you humble out and allow God to help.
My advantage is God.  I tried doing it myself, but honestly no one person has the strength to survive life all by themselves to begin with let alone when something major is happening.  Christ fortifies me and reminds me through his word(the scripture previously mentioned) that I don't have to do this alone. He is there and he has suffered more than I could even fathom.  Taking on every sin past, present, future?  I can't imagine it.
We all suffer.  This world has amazing incredible things we've been blessed with, but none of us have to do this alone.  It takes faith, and commitment, and most importantly love for a God that you've never seen but you know exists.  It's finding God's truth and not living in your own, when I live in my own truth it will take me down, and fast.  But that's not to complain about my life, that is just recognizing that without God's love, without his sacrifice, without his word, and the people that's he's blessed me with, this life would be a very empty place.
I thank him for the lack of emptiness in my life and praise him for all that has happened, is happening and has yet to come.

K