In a society where we are taught to try and live up to
someone else’s ideal in order to have a good relationship and where article
after article (and movie after movie) tells us how to have that relationship,
be it through manipulation or honesty it gets crazy confusing as to how to have
the “perfect” relationship.
So the big topic of discussion that I want to address
(outside of the fact that a perfect relationship doesn’t exist) is the
expectations that we think we have the right to impose on our partners.
I’m not saying you can’t expect them to love you, or that
you can’t ask for the things that you want.
But in a healthy relationship between two adults there are expectations
and standards. Knowing the difference is
somewhat mandated if you don’t want to be in a constant state of frustration
with the person that you have chosen to spend the rest of your life (or the
forseeable future) with. The standards in each relationship are going to be
completely different depending on the people that are in that relationship.
So the question comes down to what can we realistically want
from a relationship and where is the line between standards and expectations.
stan·dard
:
a level of quality, achievement, etc., that is considered acceptable or
desirable
standards
: ideas about morally correct and acceptable behavior
:
something that is very good and that is used to make judgments about the
quality of other things
So of course most of us tend to
develop relationships with people that have the same moral compass that we have.
In my opinion there is not a
right or wrong way to have a relationship unless partners can’t agree what the
moral compass of the relationship is going to be. That is when issues arise.
Acceptable behavior (standards)
are always at the discretion of the partners the only mandate being that they
have to agree on what those are and when they change.
ex·pec·ta·tion
noun \ˌek-ˌspek-ˈtā-shən, ik-\
:
a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen
:
a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will
be
I actually love the definition
of expectation because it states right there that it is a belief, not a fact,
not how things will be, but how we would like them to be.
Meaning that the expectations
that we have of our partners are what we believe to be good for the relationship,
that it’s something that we would like to happen.
But there is no guarantee that
it will happen.
Having the understanding of what
standards and expectations are it becomes a simple concept.
Standards are the accepted
truths of the couple. Expectations are
directly tied to the belief of the
individual. And that is where many of us
run into trouble.
We suddenly want our truth to be
that of our partner. Sometimes assuming
that they will “come around” or that they will see that our way is better. Many times negating the natural gifts that
they do and could bring to the relationship because we want it our way.
Having an expectation of the
people that we love is normal. And we
all have the right to ask for what it is that makes us happy. However, when we demand that they meet our
expectations, or when we have expectations that we never shared with them that
we want to be standards, things get dicey.
Relationships must grow, just
like people must grow. Being in a
partnership requires us to grow together, maybe not in the same way, or at the
same time, but for the most part in the same direction.
So I look at growth in standards
as an agreed upon change that the partners have decided to make for the good of
the relationship.
I look at growth in expectations
as the personal growth of the individual that can grow the relationship or tear
it down. There are many instances where
partners grow apart because of unmet expectations of one or both of them. However, what they choose to do about it is
completely up to them.
We can’t separate the
expectations of one person from the relationship if it has direct impact on the
relationship. But we can if it doesn’t and sometimes we confuse what does and doesn't impact the relationship.
To be clear, I love yoga. My partner does not. I don’t need him to do yoga so I will go and
do yoga with others that love yoga. I
won’t expect him to suddenly want to do a headstand when that was never his
interest in the first place.
Should he decide to do yoga, I
would be thrilled! But from the first
paragraph of this post I said that I can’t expect him to change unless he wants
to. So I won’t.
Our expectations of our partners
have to be realistic to the relationhip.
If he knew that I didn’t eat meat when we met, then he can’t expect me
to want to do that now, unless I decide that I want to.
Part of this is a respect issue. You should always expect your partner to
respect you and what you want, you can’t expect them to feel the same way about
it. They aren’t you.
So my goal in my partnership and
in all of my relationships is to move forward with the understanding that I have these people in
my life because they are important to me, that they add something to my life
that brings joy and growth, and that the more that I love them as they are
allows them to love me the same way. That my expectations of them has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
