I'm Not Filled Up

I'm not filled up with love right now.  A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down.  My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom!  And I've been that person temporarily at times.  But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave?  I am broken in this way.  Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that.  Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships.  There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong.  At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it.  So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people.  Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed.  I am not a project to be completed.  I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can.  He will.  And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time.  When?  I don't know.  But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment.  This is emotion.  Pure and simple.
This is pain.  This is life.  This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute.  Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed.  I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me.  God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing.  God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are.  Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore.  People that I love.  People that mean so very, very much to me.  Please be patient.  Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God.  Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love.  And we all succeed when that happens.

In love,

K