I'm not filled up with love right now. A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down. My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom! And I've been that person temporarily at times. But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave? I am broken in this way. Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that. Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships. There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong. At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it. So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people. Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed. I am not a project to be completed. I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can. He will. And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time. When? I don't know. But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment. This is emotion. Pure and simple.
This is pain. This is life. This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute. Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed. I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me. God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing. God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are. Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore. People that I love. People that mean so very, very much to me. Please be patient. Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God. Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love. And we all succeed when that happens.
In love,
K
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Are you there God? It's Me, Kris.
Yes, for those of us that are Judy Blume fans, that sounds familiar, and I stole it for my post this time because it seems to be exactly where I am right now. I have accomplished a goal that I set out to finish 12 years ago. I am graduating with a Bachelors Degree. This should be a big deal! This should be something I brag about and celebrate, right? The weird thing is, I'm not even sure how I got here. Or where I'm supposed to go now. I've spent so long trying to accomplish this goal, that I'm not sure how to respond to actually doing it. It feels like so much happened along the way that this, by comparison, isn't that big a deal.
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Friday, July 5, 2013
The World Owes Me.....Nothing.
In my head life has some extremely opposing dynamics. I go between being incredibly grateful for the life that I have to crying on my bedroom floor because I don't always get what I feel I deserve. So in reality, I really haven't grown so far away from the 16 year old me that pouted when she didn't get her way.
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
Monday, July 1, 2013
When I want what I want, and not what I need.
The human impulse system is credibly strong, for food, for interaction, for love. But when do impulses become dangerous? Be they physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know. But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving. Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem. And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person. I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing. But how do you know when it becomes dangerous? When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth. So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart. But why? Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time. To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray. God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself. So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't. At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth. The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb. Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process. I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible. But it is. It really and truly is. It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible. I know. I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win. I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes. But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want. I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that, I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him. Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can. Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.
K
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know. But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving. Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem. And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person. I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing. But how do you know when it becomes dangerous? When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth. So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart. But why? Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time. To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray. God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself. So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't. At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth. The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb. Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process. I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible. But it is. It really and truly is. It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible. I know. I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win. I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes. But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want. I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that, I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him. Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can. Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.
K
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