Lately I have looked at my life and seen that I am incredibly busy. I am working full time as well as trying to get a job that working full time pays me what my experieince and education say I should at minimum make. (Don't worry this is not a tangent about the fact that I don't make enough, I have a job and I am blessed). I am taking 12 credits at a time in 10 week online courses in an effort to finish my bachelor's degree that I have been trying to get for 9 (yes, you read that correctly) years by the end of this year. I am a full time wife and a full time mom, I am a part time yoga instructor and I am in a serious effort to make time for all of my friends so no one is offended or upset. On top of all of this I have my health issues which I need to make sure quite honestly I pay attention to first.
I am so busy that I go to bed exhausted, wake up tired, and am finding life to be, well, not fun.
My life has been not fun for a long time now, I've been sick, I've been working, I've kept taking on more and more and more responsibility and not expecting anyone else to o anything. Or even to help.
Now and again I get off of my high horse (that would be a sin called pride) and put away my insecurities about not being good enough (I know, I fool a lot of people including myself with my bravado confidence) to see that I need to slow down, that if I slow down I won't miss something, I may actually see something really important in this blur that I call my life.
I will appreciate that my husband and son and I are a beautiful family. As imperfect as we are separately that together we make an amazing team.
That I have a talented and sensitive and loving son that wants to love so badly, who doesn't judge on accomplishments or really about anything but is happy as long as he's loved and hugged and kissed, even at almost 15.
That my husband has grown immensely in the last 5 years in his love, in his willingness to help, in his communication and in his devotion to me and our family.
I am finding that I am growing ever closer to God, that I make my quiet times of reading the bible and praying really count because the days just don't go well without it and let's face it everything is easier to deal with when you know that God's got your back.
I am also learning that being busy doesn't mean that I am accomplishing anything of any real importance.
Do the dishes need done, of course they do, but not right this second and not even tomorrow as long as they aren't causing a literal stink in the kitchen.
Does my kiddo need to clean his room? Of course he does, but it's more important to give him a hug and help him have his quiet time with God and with me or his dad.
Do I have to work? Yes, but not so much that it is something that I lose time from other things that I love to be there.
Do I have to go to school? At this point that is a yes, only because I'm almost done, but I don't have to have straight As, I need to finish so that I can take that time and put it towards other things.
Booking myself so solidly with things to do and things that I want to do and having a plan for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is not just unrealistic but silly.
Do I need to cook dinner every night or is better if I save some money and have a date night with my wonderful husband instead.
No one person can accomplish everything that I want to accomplish in one lifetime and actually enjoy it. So here is a prayer for myself and for those that are like me to maybe help us out.
Father God
Thank you. Without your love and your gifts I would have nothing and I would not be able to book a solid schedule.
Help me to see that if you are first always that everything will fall into the places where you deem them necessary to be and help me to not question why but to know that you do everything for my good, whether I see that or not.
Let me see that there is an order to things that is biblical and that if I follow it that things are much smoother regardless of circumstance: God, health, husband, family, church family, and everything after that is a choice to be busy or not to be.
Let me be full of your love so that I can spread to others without resentment and with a pure and loving heart that wants to serve them. Let me put my own needs and wants on the back burner. Knowing that you will ensure my growth and that in turn will ensure my eternal happiness even if not my momentary happiness.
Allow me time to rest, even if I cannot be peaceful, let me be content in your arms.
Show your mercy on me when I let you down but not putting you first and let me be grateful for that mercy.
Thank you for being my Lord and savior and for gifting me a life so full of blessings that I get to pick which to keep. How amazing you are God.
Your forever daughter,
Kris
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