I wrote an email today to the women that pray for me. Those women who are full of compassion and love and who encourage me with scripture and kindness. The two scriptures that were sent to me today were Psalm 18 and Psalm 19, by two different women. You have to love how God works.
You see, the email was about the pain that I have been in for, well, today it seemed like my whole life, but really this pain has been the past 6 weeks.
I tried to wait it out. I wanted to see if it would get better. I wanted so very much for the simple pill that the doctor had given me to treat what was going on in my body to be all that my body needed. Because the only other option was surgery. A full hyterectomy.
Any woman, even those who profess that they never want children, stops and thinks what that means when a part of you is going to be removed that God gave you for the specific reason of bearing children. Intellectually and emotionally I already went through all of these feelings when I decided to have myself fixed (I'll spare you the details) and become unable to have children last year. Even though I was a double organ transplant patient who probably couldn't have a child without serious damage to my body, even though I was 39 years old and didn't want to have a child at that age, even though my son is almost 15 years old and Eric and I decided not to have anymore. I was devestated.
I would never be able to make a baby that belonged to my husband and I. Something that we created together that God created for us.
I learned today that I still felt that way, that the yearning to bare a child doesn't really go away when you find someone that you love so much that you want a little person that has parts of both of you in them.
I am a blessed woman to be so in love with my husband that I want that. More importantly I am a blessed woman that God already gave me a son that I love incredibly and that loves me back. So my pain at not being able to have a child was soothed and comforted by the gift that God gave me in Lucas, my amazing and wonderful child. We may not be blood related, but he is mine and I am his and neither one of us would have it any other way.
Getting to the pain of my body today was overwhelming, I hadn't felt well in days, I haven't been able to sleep through the night, I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy, I'm sensitive, and there are times when I am outright miffed. I keep wondering why this body has to go through so much, I keep having mini pity parties for the physical and emotional pain that has been a central theme of my life. I keep thinking that I just need to buck up and pull myself out of it. But then I remember one of my own favorite scriptures that is one of the few that I have committed to memory (on a funny note , my meds make it hard for me to remember things) 1 Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
As humbling as that scripture is, it gives me immense hope that in my weaknesses, and there are a lot of them and most definitely not just physical, God shines! God is stronger in his weaknesses more than I could ever fathom even if I had the perfect body. So there is no need to have any body, thought, feeling, or anything that doesn't help me to grow into the perfect person God intends for me to be in heaven. So God gives me what I need in this life, not necessary what I want.
Understand, it will never happen in this life. I will never be perfect here, I will obey God, and his laws, but I will fail him just as my body fails me daily. But if God can forgive my sin and imperfections, surely he can grow anything that he wants to out of my physical struggles.
I choose to believe that everything in my life makes me a better person, because even though I mess up, God doesn't. He has a perfect plan for my life, and as scared and angry as I can be sometimes. I know that forever and always it is for my good.
It always has been.
I have so much further to grow in this life, even more than I realize. But God will get me there.
Through my pain, he can and will make me perfect.
K
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