The poetry of illness

It started as a disease

Something that I refused to let define me even as a child.

I was different but I thrived on being different.

I was young and didn’t know any better

I would survive

I was smart, and funny, and sweet and 8 years old.

In my innocence I believed that I would always have a handle on it

 

When I got older I realized freedom that I didn’t know would hurt me

I did things to and with my body because I thought that I was invincible

That I would blow past it and keep going

I would survive

I was fun, and free, and wild and 22 years old

However genetics were not on my side

 

Years later I would come to find out that the disease had produced a side effect

Another disease that would be the beginning of many others

That would be a reality check for a while

I would survive

I was strong, and determined, and a fighter and 31 years old

This would be the true beginning of the pain

 

I refused, as usual to let it change me into what I didn’t want to be

Life changes with or without your consent and mine did exactly that

Time and time again

I wasn’t sure that I would survive

I was sick, and abandoned, and scared and 35 years old

The fighter kept going and fought

 

Major surgery taught me about true weakness

 Something that I don’t think that I had ever truly understood

I sat and cried as others cleaned my house and gave so much of themselves for me

I almost didn’t survive

I was weak, and humbled, and changed at 37 years old

With the love of my friends and family

 

I finally believed it was the year of new beginnings

A new body, husband, son, house, and relationship with God

I was blessed, and loved, and new and 38 years old.

I knew for sure that I was going to survive

Now I look at the differences along the way

And realize that all along there was a plan

 

I started out young and hopeful

I got older and became free

I got even older and found the strength of humanity

As I matured I grew from pain, heartache, and weakness

 

Now I look back at it all

And laugh

I understand now, that I was never really whole.  Until now.

I never really felt love, Until now.

I never knew pain that hurt enough to force me to grow, Until now.

And this is my life until I leave this earth.

To grow in weakness, show faith in love, show mercy in sorrow, and grace in pain.

This is the life that was planned for me and as painful as it still might be sometimes

It is joyful, and amazing, and blessed, and mine to live

 

Though my smiles are sometimes filled with tears and my heart sometimes aches in the breaking

I know now that I don’t need to question why, I just need to trust what comes, good or bad, to make me into who I am meant to be.

Forgiven, and humbled, and loved.