It's Been A Long Long Time

 I started this blog so many years ago, and then I set it down for a long time.

Not because I stopped having things to say.

Not because I stopped feeling.

But because somewhere along the way, I set down my feelings, my expression, my truth, and anything external that might disrupt or hurt or cause pain for anyone I loved.

I made myself smaller.

Quieter.

Easier to love, maybe.

Now, I’m bringing all of that back.

Because I’ve learned something incredibly important about myself in the last several years.

All the things that were there before, the things that were an integral part of my joy and how I loved and chose to be in the world, I had set them down because it was too exhausting to keep proving them to everyone.

I had set them down because my mental and emotional energy had run dry.

I had set them down because I didn’t know how to keep carrying all of me and continue on.

So I cocooned inside myself.

I pulled everything inward.

I disappeared but it wasn't noticed because I was still there. Still functioning. Still showing up. 

But I was hiding.

You should know, I did this to myself.

I pulled everything in so I could hide from decisions I had made and protect the fantasy I had built my life on for a very long time.

And that is a painful thing to admit.

Because sometimes the thing that breaks your heart the most isn’t what someone else did to you.

Sometimes it’s realizing how long you abandoned yourself.

Sometimes, when you think you are all healed up and have nothing left to learn, that is exactly when you realize, holy shit, I’m still so broken.

Not broken beyond repair.

But cracked open in places I thought had scarred over.

Still carrying versions of myself I thought I had buried.

But that thought can be freeing, too, because you realize the direction you are heading is not one that suits you anymore. It doesn’t fulfill you. It doesn’t feel like home.

It’s a direction you chose.

But you are choosing differently now.

And there is freedom in that but that freedom comes at a cost.

Reality can be a harsh master when it comes to choosing yourself over the people you love and have loved for so long. 

Even when staying meant losing pieces of yourself so slowly you didn’t notice.

The worst part is how much of it was self-inflicted.

I wanted that part of my life to be what I thought it could be.

I wanted to believe that if I just tried hard enough, loved hard enough, forgave enough, bent enough, swallowed enough, sacrificed enough, maybe I could keep everyone and everything I had built.

But man, hurting people so you can save yourself is a really, really hard thing.

And the grief is sometimes overwhelming.

It doesn’t always feel like liberation.

Sometimes the next part of your life isn’t immediately happy, because the peace you feel almost feels like a betrayal of the person you were before.

You are grieving lost parts of yourself that you hadn’t known you lost.

You are opening wounds you thought were healed.

You are finding old versions of yourself in dark corners, and they are angry. They are devastated. They are asking why you left them there for so long.

Being free can also mean being so real that you have to fight your own mind and the beliefs it held on to so tightly.

Anger and sadness and rage and hopelessness come out of nowhere.

Completely cracked open by a song, a memory, a room, a smell, a sentence, a silence.

And even considering allowing anyone into that part of you, letting them see that realness, that you don’t have it all together, that you are swooning, not in ecstasy but in pain and all the feelings you hid away for so long, can push you into a hermit state where all you can think is, what the fuck was I thinking?

Too much me, after so many years of trying to be less.

And people tell you how proud they are, how strong you are, what an example you are for others, and all you want is a soft place to land where you don’t have to be any of those things.

Where you don’t have to turn your pain into a lesson fast enough for other people to be comfortable with it.

Where you can be messy and upset and crazy and all the darker parts of yourself that the world tells you to hide.

Peace came but it is wrapped in so much grief.

This is when I realize I broke myself open and let all these things out because it would have been impossible to heal while I still held them inside.

I couldn’t keep abandoning myself and call it loyalty.

I couldn’t keep surviving and call it living.

But maybe healing starts when I stop apologizing for the mess.

Peace, Love, Joy

 

In all the crazy of the world right now, there is still a space for peace, for love, for joy.

This seems an almost impossible place to be right now. I have seen friends in the deepest depression, they have lost jobs, they have lost loved ones, they have been dealing with the ones in their homes for a lot longer than they normally do.

But during this insanity we all still have something to give.  Parts of our hearts that we should allow people to see. Our lives have changed forever in the last several months. These months showing us who people really are, who we are.  Which leaves us with a choice and the question of who we want to be, regardless of those around us and the inundation of media and people’s opinions telling us who we should be.

However, right now, I don't think that who I want to be is up to the media, or other people’s opinions.  I think that currently I need to be the softer, more loving version of myself. First to myself, and then to others. I need to be more forgiving of hurt, and more giving of love.  I need to remember that I will have moments of fear, and times where I breakdown or hide from the world. I need to remind myself that even these moments will bring me to the other side with relief and a less hardened heart.

I feel that allowing myself to be the most real, the most compassionate version of me will help me to find a place where I can be there for others. That if you need something you will feel ok coming to me to ask. That if I can be an ear to listen or a (virtual) hand to hold, that I can be.

And I hope that moving forward I can take these things that I’ve worked on and keep being that person.  The me that has peace, love, and joy inside me that is easy to get to for others.

K

The Subtle Feminist

So this month I turn 44 years old and in the life that I've had thus far I've always considered myself a feminist.
I've never burned a bra,  I've never marched in the streets, I've never had to fight for the right to do what I wanted.
Or so I thought.

But as I read the newest feminist articles that women in their 20s are writing I realize that my generation of feminists kind of fell between the cracks in the fight.
It seems that we were lulled into a version of feminism that allowed us to have most of what we wanted, so that we didn't feel the need to actually fight for all of what we needed.
I find that as I read the newer feminist blogs and articles that I've missed out on having say and input on the things that I feel should have been addressed for women, for myself.
Things that I didn't realize previously were important to me.
Now there are things that I see in some of modern day feminism and I think to myself, "Good lord honey, calm down, no one wants to hear that...." and I realize that I've not grown into the modern feminism that is in your face, you will listen to me, I will make you respect my rights, feminism.
When I was younger I put up with a whole lot less bullshit than I currently do as a woman, so what happened to my fiery, fuck you, I'll do what I want attitude?

Well, first I learned that demanding that people give you what you want typically isn't effective.
No person changes their belief systems simply because you asked them to.  People for the most part have developed who they are and what they believe over a lifetime and if I scream that they are wrong in their faces they just dig in their heels and refuse to listen.  And really if I'm being a lunatic why should they listen?

Secondly I learned that I have limited energy.  There are things that I fight for daily, there are things that I stopped fighting for because they are no longer a focus for me, but there are things that I will rage against for the rest of my existence. Feminism for me is a daily fight, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to fight and so acceptance wins out in that moment.  I let the patriarchy win for that battle because I just can't participate in the war that day.

Lastly I have learned that subtle changes in my own life can and will effect the people around me for the better.  Me pointing out to the new guy that I'm deemed unprofessional if I don't wear make up and do my hair and wear specific clothing to work is an opportunity for him to realize that things are different for me than they are for him.  Talking to my son about the fact that I will always expect him to treat women as equals because, well, they are, even if the world might tell him otherwise.  Attempting to not give in to the ridiculousness that exists in my male dominated career where each guy has a different way of dealing with the woman in the office, be that talking to me like I'm fragile and can't take constructive feedback, or treating me like one of the guys to the point where it's almost uncomfortable, or feeling awkward because they want to be forward thinking but deep down they still wonder if a woman can be good at IT.

Each person has to define what they believe feminism should be, for the most part all it does is verify what we should already know, that everyone should have the same opportunities and the same rights.  It's recognizing that everyone doesn't have equality and that should matter to us.
I choose to express this in a more subtle way than some, but I've figured out that sometimes that works.  That my subtle feminism allows me to be heard, that sometimes humanity as a whole needs to take a less aggressive approach to change so that the changes stick and aren't just talk.
I'm fiery in my belief for equality but subtle in how I express it and moving forward I will continue to fight in whatever way works best for me.  That is feminism in and of itself.

Standards and Expectations

In a society where we are taught to try and live up to someone else’s ideal in order to have a good relationship and where article after article (and movie after movie) tells us how to have that relationship, be it through manipulation or honesty it gets crazy confusing as to how to have the “perfect” relationship.

So the big topic of discussion that I want to address (outside of the fact that a perfect relationship doesn’t exist) is the expectations that we think we have the right to impose on our partners.

I’m not saying you can’t expect them to love you, or that you can’t ask for the things that you want.  But in a healthy relationship between two adults there are expectations and standards.  Knowing the difference is somewhat mandated if you don’t want to be in a constant state of frustration with the person that you have chosen to spend the rest of your life (or the forseeable future) with. The standards in each relationship are going to be completely different depending on the people that are in that relationship.

So the question comes down to what can we realistically want from a relationship and where is the line between standards and expectations.

stan·dard

: a level of quality, achievement, etc., that is considered acceptable or desirable

standards : ideas about morally correct and acceptable behavior

: something that is very good and that is used to make judgments about the quality of other things

So of course most of us tend to develop relationships with people that have the same moral compass that we have. 

In my opinion there is not a right or wrong way to have a relationship unless partners can’t agree what the moral compass of the relationship is going to be.  That is when issues arise.

Acceptable behavior (standards) are always at the discretion of the partners the only mandate being that they have to agree on what those are and when they change.

ex·pec·ta·tion

noun \ˌek-ˌspek-ˈtā-shən, ik-\

: a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen

: a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be

I actually love the definition of expectation because it states right there that it is a belief, not a fact, not how things will be, but how we would like them to be.

Meaning that the expectations that we have of our partners are what we believe to be good for the relationship, that it’s something that we would like to happen.

But there is no guarantee that it will happen.

Having the understanding of what standards and expectations are it becomes a simple concept.

Standards are the accepted truths of the couple.  Expectations are directly tied  to the belief of the individual.  And that is where many of us run into trouble.

We suddenly want our truth to be that of our partner.  Sometimes assuming that they will “come around” or that they will see that our way is better.  Many times negating the natural gifts that they do and could bring to the relationship because we want it our way.

Having an expectation of the people that we love is normal.  And we all have the right to ask for what it is that makes us happy.  However, when we demand that they meet our expectations, or when we have expectations that we never shared with them that we want to be standards, things get dicey.

Relationships must grow, just like people must grow.  Being in a partnership requires us to grow together, maybe not in the same way, or at the same time, but for the most part in the same direction.

So I look at growth in standards as an agreed upon change that the partners have decided to make for the good of the relationship.

I look at growth in expectations as the personal growth of the individual that can grow the relationship or tear it down.  There are many instances where partners grow apart because of unmet expectations of one or both of them.  However, what they choose to do about it is completely up to them.

 We can’t separate the expectations of one person from the relationship if it has direct impact on the relationship.  But we can if it doesn’t and sometimes we confuse what does and doesn't impact the relationship.

 

To be clear, I love yoga.  My partner does not.  I don’t need him to do yoga so I will go and do yoga with others that love yoga.  I won’t expect him to suddenly want to do a headstand when that was never his interest in the first place.

Should he decide to do yoga, I would be thrilled!  But from the first paragraph of this post I said that I can’t expect him to change unless he wants to.  So I won’t.

Our expectations of our partners have to be realistic to the relationhip.  If he knew that I didn’t eat meat when we met, then he can’t expect me to want to do that now, unless I decide that I want to.

Part of this is a respect issue.  You should always expect your partner to respect you and what you want, you can’t expect them to feel the same way about it. They aren’t you.

So my goal in my partnership and in all of my relationships is to move forward with the understanding that I have these people in my life because they are important to me, that they add something to my life that brings joy and growth, and that the more that I love them as they are allows them to love me the same way. That my expectations of them has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

That Beautiful Quiet Space

I hadn't meditated in over a year.
I can't tell you the specific reason that I stopped.
Maybe I thought I was too busy.  Maybe a part of me thought I didn't need it.
Maybe the thought was I didn't deserve it.
But I made the decision tonight to try again.

The beginning was hard, I laid in my favorite position (legs up the wall) on my mat and instantly realized how tight my chest was.
My breathing was heavy and not even close to even.
Something almost close to panic.

Then I focused on my body and the tense muscles that needed to let go.
Slowly as the music that I had chosen went to the next song my back released onto the floor, my legs got loose against the wall, and I flexed and stretched my fingers and my arms.
By the third song I was completely drawn into my own breathing and I could hear but wasn't paying attention to the dogs barking, the traffic on the street, and the voices of my family downstairs.

My breathing slowed, mellowed and found it's rythym.
Slow and steady, deeper and deeper, my heart relaxed and my chest with it.
I pushed out a 5 second exhale and my eyes filled with tears as I let go of the pent up feelings I didn't need in that moment.

I spent the last 5 minutes in child's pose, my own cocoon of dark and peace.
As I listened to the music and allowed it to fill the spaces I had opened.

As I sat up relaxed and happy, I thought, "Old habits die hard....Thank God. "

Hey you! This is your body, and we've got to talk.

Hey, look,
I know that sometimes we just don't get along, but I decided that we needed to talk.  Or rather, you needed to listen.
When did you stop loving me unconditionally?

I mean, when we were little you never thought about me in negative ways, we ran together, we played together, we learned together.  We did everything together.
But these days it feels like you don't appreciate me.

You never think I'm thin enough, you don't like the wrinkles that are starting to show on my face, the cellulite that is beginning to occur on my legs, and the size of my hips well, you think they're too big.
You HATE my belly, and that hurts me.

You see I don't ever see you the way that you do.  I understand that we have struggled together to just exist.  That we've been sick most of our life, with diabetes, and kidney disease, that we could never just be healthy, that it's always been work.

But we always did it together.  You and I, we faced everything together and experienced it together, from the first scrape on the knee to the last infection that we had from the meds we take.
When did you start thinking that we were no longer the same person and start thinking that you could do better or be better than me?

You see I'm the only body you've got, and to your credit the majority of the time you are so ready to take care of me, you feed me well, you exercise, you get enough sleep, and you do what is best for me.  But you've got to remember that what you think, well, it MATTERS. 
If you are looking at me with disdain and judgment, if you are bitter about our illnesses and full of sorrow and stress....well sister, that hurts me too.  If you can't accept me as I am, then how do we continue on?

You need to realize what a gift I am, that not only do I house the soul that you have, but I help you to express what you feel, how you see yourself, that amazing, joyful, beautiful person that you are resides in me. 

Neither of us knows why I'm the body that was chosen for you, or why you had to have a sick body but none of that matters now, because it's been 42 years and I don't see us ending our partnership any time soon.

So just a heads up, I love you.  Yes, I, your body, love you and I know that you are more than capable of loving me.  I've heard the way that you encourage others to feel beautiful and special.  I've seen you hug them with compassion and courage when you are feeling badly yourself.  I know that you push on even when it's hard.

So I wanted to tell you, keep doing that!  But don't shake it off when your husband tells you how beautiful we are.  Or ignore it when your friends admire that we are in great shape.  I encourage you to remember that not only are we in this together but we set an example of how amazing our life can be regardless of what gets thrown at us.

We have a choice to see our self as beautiful, you seemed to have forgotten, so I just wanted to remind you.  We are beautiful inside and out, please don't forget it.

Love,
Your body

Fight.

Most of my life I have consistently fought for what I wanted.  There are few moments where I can look back and say "Yeah, that was just too hard so I gave up.".  I can't think of even once when I backed up from what I was fighting for and decided it wasn't worth it.
Now.  That does not mean that I have never been shaken in my perspective.  Or that I have never broken down and sobbed in the middle of the fight.  I do not claim to be undefeated in my fights, or even closer to winning than losing in most of the battles I have undertaken.
I have screamed in agony and cried in despair.  I have beaten my hands on the floor and shaken my fists at the sky.
This is how I have always lived my life.  The state of "I just don't care" has never been a comfortable space in my life. I've always been incredibly black and white.  I have always had strong beliefs and feelings and I have always believed in expressing them.
The fight and the feelings involved in the passionate existence that I have chosen as my path can encourage someone to pick up and fight themselves or it can be a weapon dipped in my own truth.
Some people fight with compassion, and grace, and take a quieter path than I.  It took me a long time to see that sometimes the path of less resistance wasn't giving up, it was stepping back to try again later.
When you fight like I do, sometimes your feelings take over so much that logic and peace and other people's thoughts are overshadowed and forgotten.  Sometimes you get so involved in the fight that you forget what you are fighting for.  This has happened with me more times than I would like to admit.
But luckily I have been blessed as I've gotten older with something that allows me to clearly remember what I'm fighting for and why it's worth it. To figure out exactly what is worth the fight.
Most times you won't see me trying to fight someone to tell them that they are wrong.  You won't see me fighting to make everyone else eat how I do, or believe what I do.  You won't see me picketing the White House about global warming, or see me spray painting someone's property because I don't believe in fur (which I don't).
What I fight for is love. 
I will every day look at a stranger and smile at them because they look like they need it.  I will call a friend that I haven't spoken to in ten years so that I can find out what "really" happened that they posted on Facebook.  I will drive across town to take flowers to my best friend who had a bad day.  I will go and cry with another friend who just lost a loved family member.
If they tell me not to come, I will show up anyway.
Because my fight is to remember those that are important to me and love them undeniably, to be in their lives and to fight what they have to fight. Be that a health issue, money issues, relationship issues, whatever it may be, it is my fight too.
I think that we as a society have lost our ability, or at least our will to fight for what we want.  I think that subjective, objective assessment of whether or not to get involved in another person's life has overshadowed what is really needed, which is to continuously show up with open arms and say "I am here".  We are too worried about giving out our time, too worried about getting up for work, too worried about saving our energy for......ourselves.
We've forgotten that the best way to love someone is to show up.  To give of ourselves, our energy, our time.
Fighting always seems to get a bad rap.  It's usually seen in a bad light.  But I will fight to my last breath to make sure that the people in my life know how important they are.  I will fight to hug them as they push me away, I will fight to say I love you even when they don't want to hear it.
I am blessed in that this passionate need to love is built in, but equally cursed in that loving that deeply makes me vulnerable, and many times hurt.

But know this:
I will fight with you. 
You are never alone.
I love you.

Now go find someone else to fight for.

:)
K

TMI - thoughts about sharing everything

My entire life I have always been an open book.  It's always been my default to share whatever happens to be on my mind regardless of what it was or who was hearing it.
Granted in the past 30 years or so society as a whole has encouraged people to share all of their feelings.  Especially those that are sad or angry.  Because those feelings are better out than in right?
Well, I'm not sure anymore that people should bare all of their souls or at least we should all be picky about whom we share things with.  I have this belief for a number of reasons.
 I live with and love an introvert.  And even though I sometimes have to dig deep for patience because he is very self sufficient I have also learned from him that many of the things that I have always shared of myself are actually very private to him and in keeping his privacy, private, I have learned that I actually prefer that sometimes myself.
Holding things close to my own inner self has also allowed me at times to step back and decide if the feelings that I have in a situation or with a person are worth expressing or if they are a temporary feeling that will fade.  I've become a fan of making sure that I want to make a big deal out of something in the moment or if it's something I need to let go.
Expressing who you are should never be a debate, however, I've learned that words don't always do the best job at expression.  That hugs, a smile, and nuances of body language and facial expressions are a better representation of where my heart and mind are.  There is little room for doubt when someone is hugging you and means it.
I have found that sometimes I catch myself by surprise as to how I truly feel about something when I'm not putting it out there for everyone and their mother to have an opinion about.  I find that my own thoughts can provide me exactly what I need nine times out of ten and if I need input that the people closest to me are more than willing to tell me how it really is from an outside perspective.
Admittedly, there are down sides to not expressing yourself when you probably should.  People shouldn't have to guess what you are feeling, you shouldn't expect mind reading to be going on so that you don't have to share the important things in your life.  It is each of our responsibility to reach out and ask for help when we need it and tell people when something is wrong.
How we do this depends of course on our past experiences with trust and how we have been helped or hurt by situations and people in them when we shared a painful or scary experience.
Even joyful experiences can have a negative impact on us if someone else can't share in our joy.
One of the things that I have had the chance to evaluate about myself as I started to share a bit less was that I was sometimes only relaying information to people that I thought that they could handle and sugar coating the rest.
Or I would not share because I was afraid of judgment, or ridicule, or because I might hurt someone by sharing my feelings.
In essence I was playing God with my feelings and not trusting those around me to be able to handle who I really was or how I really felt.  Which was incredibly selfish and arrogant.
So instead of overthinking my feelings and who can handle them or who can't.  I come to the table in full fledged honesty these days, except that I share that honesty with less people and the details for the few friends that I know don't judge or give me tons of advice. Instead they allow me to speak while they listen and they let me work it out through hugs and love and sometimes when asked, words.
Me learning to say less has also allowed me to let other say more.  That, in and of itself is a thing that I treasure getting better at.  Being a listener allows me to learn more about the people that I care about and to put into practice the love I have for them.
So that next FB post, that next Twitter, that next conversation......decide what really needs to be said and how you really want to say it. Find kindness in your honesty.  Without overcomplicating it, find out how you really feel and what you really want to say....that is if you decide to say anything at all.

K

Beautiful

It has been a long time since I could look at myself and see a beautiful person. There is this odd block that comes out and hides it from me.  Or I hide it from myself. Like most people I have moments where I feel like I look fat, where I realize that I've been snapping at someone when i should have walked away, when I look in a mirror and fight to see something that is left of the person that I want to be.
I've never been a person to buy into the whole pretty girls syndrome where my nails had to be done, my hair had to be perfect, and I actually cared if I looked fat in my jeans.
I have however always been that woman who took pride in being nice to people, giving of myself  because I wanted to,  and being defined by how smart I was, what books I read, and how much I was capable of loving.
I look at those things now and I still believe them to be important but as I grow older I've started caring a bit more about how I look, because looking (and being) healthy isn't as easy as it might have been ten years ago.
This is an exceptable things, if I didn't want to be perfect, and ok, and not a sick person.

I love environments where no one knows my past and hate environments where it comes up and I have to share the story.
In the beginning I was proud that I was a survivor, that I had made it, that I was living life like a normal person, that I had beat death!
Now sometimes it's just exhausting to be the poster child for double organ transplant patients.  Don't get me wrong  I am proud.  But I don't want that to be the newest way that I've found to identify myself.  I would love at this point not to be brave, but to be smart or even hot.  There's less pressure.

I remember being so not worried about looks, or health, or intelligence in my early twenties, being outspoken and passionate, and in you face.
After surgery I did a 180.  I became low-key, and passive, and the "sure, whatever you want" girl.  If that were my natural state of being then it wouldn't even be worth discussion. But I'm not.
I'm a doer.  I'm a firery, passionate, compassionate. loving, I care too much not to say what I feel and think kinda girl.
And I think that I've been lost, and not myself for  a very long time.  I want me back,  and I'm no longer overly concerned as to whether you, or Joe Schmoe, or the neighbor, or the people at work, or the little old lady down the street think that I'm beautiful.
I want to grow into a beautiful being that keeps creating, and loving, and living, and hugging, and giving myself out to anyone who wants to come along for the ride.  I want to not worry about who I was or who I will be but only focus on who I am, and see her as the beautiful creature that she is in the moment. Flaws and all.

I think that woman would be really beautiful.

A Mindless Life of First World Problems

There are things that I have now that when I was young I never had and therefore never worried about.  As a teenager and in my twenties I dreamt of a house, a husband, a job, and kids.  I had huge goals of the type of person that I would be, the kind of life that I would lead, and the things that I would do.
We live in a country where we can do that.  Where going to college is something that every person can do if they want to.  That we can think of a profession or a job and if it's really what we want to do we can almost always find a way to make it happen.
We literally live in a huge world of choices and opportunity.
And most of the time we take it for granted.  Most times, having so many choices makes us unwilling to make a choice in case we are wrong, or God forbid, someone holds us accountable for our choices.
The problems that we have in our lives (well, these are kind of specific to mine) are "Hey, I wanted to get new shoes because the brown ones that I have are kind of beat up" or "I have to pay back my student loan starting the first of the year" or " My job title is System Administrator Intermediate I really should be a System Administrator Senior" or "My teenager is driving me nuts I really wish I could give him to someone else until he grows out of this phase"  or "I left my cell phone at home" or......insert your issue here.
In our lives, we have expectations.  Life should be fair.  I deserve that job that pays more, I deserve a big house for my family.  I should be healthy I eat right and exercise.  I need that car, tv, computer, cell phone, vacation.....again, fill in your "need" here.
What I have come to realize in my own selfishness is that everything that I have, I have because I lucked into it.  I was born in a fair, stable, most people aren't starving to death country.  To amazing parents who did the best that they could, married a wonderful man and adopted a great kid.
I have two cats and two dogs.  I have a job that allows me to have credit cards and let's me pay for my college education.  Oh, wait, I have a college education.  I live in one of the best medical communities in the United States so my life was saved by a transplant almost 4 years ago.
I didn't provide any of this for myself.  I lucked into living where I live, having the family that I have, and being able to get great medical care.
I think that sometimes we misunderstand what we are really entitled to.  Clean water, food, a safe place to sleep and live.  Those are basic human needs.  Anything beyond that and we should stop our complaining.
I am a perfect example of this.  I constantly want better than what I have, which in some cases allows me to grow, and have goals, and expand my knowledge and experience.  On the other hand this discontent can also affect the people around me when my expectation is of perfect at every given moment and never about being content with where I am at. Most times the expectations that I have for myself are even higher.
We most times don't want to work for anything. I mean really, really work.
Consider this, people in Africa that are farmers consider it an honor to grow food for themselves because otherwise they would starve, and so would most of their village and family.  Think about the fact that these same people don't have running water, or electricity, or phones, or a TV.
That the majority of their day is spent, surviving.  But that they are joyful and grateful, because they are alive.  How many of us would get up at 4am to work all day until the sun went down.  Then walk 2 miles each way to get clean water to drink, fix rice for dinner, and then sleep for 8 hours to get up and do it all again?  And do it with determination, joy, and to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others?
It's hard for any of us to know what it is to live that life or even anything remotely close to it.  Our lives are lived in convenience.  Even the poorest of us.
It's not always fair to compare yourself to others, but in most cases if it will humble us out and allow us to be grateful for anything we have it's well worth it.
I need to look around me and stop complaining.  I need to be grateful and gracious with my giving of money, time, and love, because I started off with so much of that to begin with.
I need to realize that my life has an affect on others and that I have a choice as to how my love, words, and actions affect them.
And I need to try and narrow down what I actually need.  Realize how much overflow I have, and not only be grateful but be giving in sharing with others.
Live a life of impact by living a life of gratitude that encourages you to share all that you have with those who need it most. That is a goal I can be proud of, and happy with.
Much love.

K

Married Romance......

My husband bought me a chest freezer today.  Then we went to Costco, got a membership and went shopping.  It's one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever done for me.
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic.  However I disagree. 
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else.  I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us. 
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing.  And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us.  Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves.  If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win.  If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.

K

Welcome back FieryRedhead

So it will be two months since my last blog post tomorrow.  I figured that I had enough time away from writing to the public to come back and hopefully write something of substance.  You see, I only write when I am affected greatly by something, be it spiritually, emotionally, or physically.  My need to write typically doesn't come in the positive times in my life.
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment.  Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there.  I owe many people in my life an apology.  They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough.  I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted.  And I am sorry that I hurt you.  I have no excuse.  I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy.  I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter.  To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before.  I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me.  I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self.  The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence.  If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while.  I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me.  For holding me up when I let myself down.  For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing.  I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.

K

Perspective - A reposting......

I was going to write a new blog post today - since it's my spiritual birthday - but then I re-read this one and felt that I had said everything I needed to say about my love for God, and for people, here.
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks.  Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life.  I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband.  An incredibly loving kiddo.  Friends and family that have always been and will always be there.  I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of.  It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary.   A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed.  The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me.  However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists.  What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have.  Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better.  Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else.  I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible.  Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing.  But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him.  All I could see was what I did wrong.  And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry. 
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me. 
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy.  To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe.  I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me.  I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful.  Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other.  And I will choose love every time.  Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this.  And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason.  Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.

May love be your resting place and mine as well,

K

I'm Not Filled Up

I'm not filled up with love right now.  A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down.  My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom!  And I've been that person temporarily at times.  But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave?  I am broken in this way.  Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that.  Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships.  There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong.  At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it.  So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people.  Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed.  I am not a project to be completed.  I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can.  He will.  And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time.  When?  I don't know.  But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment.  This is emotion.  Pure and simple.
This is pain.  This is life.  This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute.  Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed.  I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me.  God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing.  God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are.  Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore.  People that I love.  People that mean so very, very much to me.  Please be patient.  Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God.  Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love.  And we all succeed when that happens.

In love,

K

Are you there God? It's Me, Kris.

Yes, for those of us that are Judy Blume fans, that sounds familiar, and I stole it for my post this time because it seems to be exactly where I am right now.  I have accomplished a goal that I set out to finish 12 years ago.  I am graduating with a Bachelors Degree.  This should be a big deal!  This should be something I brag about and celebrate, right?  The weird thing is, I'm not even sure how I got here.  Or where I'm supposed to go now.  I've spent so long trying to accomplish this goal, that I'm not sure how to respond to actually doing it.  It feels like so much happened along the way that this, by comparison, isn't that big a deal.
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world.  But how do I do that?  In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian.  So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God?  It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree.  Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me.  Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be.  Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere.  But where?

Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)

That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.

K

The World Owes Me.....Nothing.

In my head life has some extremely opposing dynamics.  I go between being incredibly grateful for the life that I have to crying on my bedroom floor because I don't always get what I feel I deserve.  So in reality, I really haven't grown so far away from the 16 year old me that pouted when she didn't get her way.
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled.  Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve?  When did respect become something that I deserved?  I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned.  That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature.  What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me.  She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist.  I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post.  I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do.  Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both.  That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone.  My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us.  The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us.  The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing.  Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work.  An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me?  Nothing.  So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive.  I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen.  If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him.  When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything. 

K

When I want what I want, and not what I need.

The human impulse system is credibly strong, for food, for interaction, for love.  But when do impulses become dangerous?  Be they physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know.  But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving.  Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem.  And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person.  I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing.  But how do you know when it becomes dangerous?  When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth.  So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart.  But why?  Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time.  To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray.  God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself.  So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't.  At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth.  The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb.  Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process.  I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible.  But it is.  It really and truly is.  It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible.  I know.  I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win.  I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes.  But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want.  I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that,  I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him.  Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can.  Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.

K

When did I become this person?

There are moments in life when you look around and wonder how you got there.

It happened to me when I got sick as a child and I couldn't understand why everyone else was so afraid. 
It happened when I fell in love for the first time and months later got kicked to the curb.
It happened when I figured out how intelligent God made me.
It happened when I also figured out that emotionally I picked up on things incredibly quickly.
It happens quite honestly a lot.

As I got older, I looked around and wondered how people could do certain things without the emotional pain that I felt when I watched them do them.  I wasn't even involved but somehow I knew that certain buttons were pushed and emotions would happen. This isn't and wasn't something to brag about.  It hurts and it can be a heavy load carrying around your own feelings and the many feelings that others have around you.

I could see when someone was out of control angry, I could see when someone was incredibly hurt, and I could see when silence wasn't comfortable or when someone couldn't process their own feelings.

When I was younger, I hated this ability.  I would lash out with my own feelings to just get people to stay away from me so that I didn't absorb theirs.
As I got older I used the ability to control people's feelings and either use or hurt them.
Now, I realize that this is a gift to help people and to show compassion and love to people who have a hard time accepting it.  And I give it whether they accept it or not.

This is not always easy.  Sometimes my feelings lead me to places that I need to turn around and smartly walk away from, sometimes my feeling are hurt by the same thing over and over again, and sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I have to shut myself away so that I don't almost literally have my head explode.

It's taken years to understand, and I still don't quite have it down.  Especially when it comes to figuring out my own feelings from someone else's.  It's incredibly easy for me to feel someone else's pain, or fear, or intensity and make it my own, until I realize that it's not.  But I do have a barometer, I do have the Holy Spirit to take a step back from all of these feelings and remind me that my heart can be deceitful, and sometimes other people's hearts can be too.

I use the standards in the Bible to set boundaries in my life not just because it is the living and active word of God, but also because it allows me to see the person that I am, the person that God intended me to be and not the person who constantly steps back and says "when did I become this person?"

I have spent so much time and energy pushing to understand the feelings and thoughts of others because it is a gift, and God intends for me to use it for His purpose.  However, there are many times where it can hurt me and others if not kept within the boundaries that He set.  It has always been very hard to control and sometimes my feelings or other people's can sweep me away.

But I hold fast to the rock steady rhythm of the pulse of God that runs through me, I pray for the ability to see past my heart, feelings and my own thoughts and others to what amazing things are in store for me and the people that I love.  I remember that all of the good that comes from those feelings and the growth from the not so good feelings serve a purpose for someone, even if not for me.

So when did I become THIS person?  The minute that I said yes to Christ and all the goodness that he has given me.  Every day I wake up and make mistakes and mess up because that is what we all do.  But every day I have the chance to make choices to honor God, to honor those around me and to love them and their feelings regardless of what they are.  I hope that I keep on growing to become a better person, regardless of situations, circumstances, or pain.

There are plans for me, and for you, even if we don't yet know where we are being lead.  I now realize that every day I should be asking "when did I become this person?" so that I can remember the amazing path that I took to get here.

That place between black and white

Typically I post on my blog about the positive side of things, or the negative but with the perspective of a woman who is very much loved by God and has the strength through him to live through and survive anything.

My whole life has been a series of decisions that for me were always so black and white, or so I thought.  When I look back now, and even in times now I see how I can take something incredibly simple and make it incredibly complicated.  Sometimes the black and white that I see isn't just tinged in gray, it is submersed in gray.  I used to think that this was a bad thing, that gray areas couldn't be possible because black and white to me were the same as right and wrong.

Let's face it; I don't like to be wrong.

And yet, the older that I get, the more that I see the need for black, white, and gray.  Translation, right, wrong, and compromise.

Don't get me wrong, God's word is always right. That isn't a part of this discussion, it's just the truth.  And the majority of the times, most people know the other sides of that coin, we all have a conscience that tells us when things are wrong, that is God given as well.

But that gray area sometimes gets a bad rap.  Many people, me included can see the in-between places not just as scary but as a copout zone.  And in certain cases that is absolutely true, when we make excuses instead of being accountable, when we won't take a side because we are afraid of judgment or of someone not liking us.

But when you look more closely at parts of the gray area of life, this is where compromise is born, and compromise in relationships, in love, in life, in understanding is absolutely necessary.

The gray area is also where grace resides, where we show love to each other when we make a mistake, where we are given permission by God to forgive ourselves because he has already forgiven us. Where Godly sorrow takes us to a place where we can change instead of feeling guilty, where grace resides and pride is put away.

I think that if you see everything in black and white you can sometimes get stuck there.  That suddenly instead of seeing a mistake you see someone's flaws so clearly that love and compassion no longer exist.  Sometimes we forget that we've been given the gift of love, caring, and relationships with so many amazing people and instead of showing that vulnerable part of our heart, we judge. 

We judge ourselves, others, situations, and anyone else that doesn't agree with our belief or who doesn't see the world as we do.

I think that some of my best moments in life were when I surrendered to the gray, when I surrendered to pure unadulterated love, when I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with compassion for someone I didn't even like.

Life surprises you sometimes by growing you in confusion and helping you to find exactly what you were meant to in that moment.

Black and white are necessary, as are right and wrong and knowing the difference, but real life and real experiences, and real growth happen within the gray where you don't really know what to do, but you trust God to show you.



K

 

I love my husband

Every person that I know that is married goes through phases in their marriage.  Sometimes its the my spouse is so amazing I can't stand how much I love this person, sometimes its the I'm going to give them what they want to that they will stop bugging me, sometimes its the we need to give each other space so that the hurt can lessen so that we can talk about it phase.
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward.  For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work.  It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be  not who you want them to be.  Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it.  It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap.  Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes.  Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like.  These things are what we do out of love for our spouse.  Marriage is about commitment.  Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose.  Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse.  I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:

He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad.  He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.

I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him.  What is the special celebration?  Why post this now?  Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be.  And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.

I love you Eric.

K