Perspective - A reposting......

I was going to write a new blog post today - since it's my spiritual birthday - but then I re-read this one and felt that I had said everything I needed to say about my love for God, and for people, here.
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks.  Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life.  I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband.  An incredibly loving kiddo.  Friends and family that have always been and will always be there.  I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of.  It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary.   A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed.  The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me.  However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists.  What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have.  Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better.  Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else.  I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible.  Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing.  But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him.  All I could see was what I did wrong.  And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry. 
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me. 
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy.  To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe.  I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me.  I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful.  Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other.  And I will choose love every time.  Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this.  And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason.  Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.

May love be your resting place and mine as well,

K

I'm Not Filled Up

I'm not filled up with love right now.  A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down.  My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom!  And I've been that person temporarily at times.  But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave?  I am broken in this way.  Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that.  Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships.  There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong.  At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it.  So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people.  Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed.  I am not a project to be completed.  I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can.  He will.  And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time.  When?  I don't know.  But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment.  This is emotion.  Pure and simple.
This is pain.  This is life.  This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute.  Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed.  I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me.  God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing.  God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are.  Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore.  People that I love.  People that mean so very, very much to me.  Please be patient.  Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God.  Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love.  And we all succeed when that happens.

In love,

K

Are you there God? It's Me, Kris.

Yes, for those of us that are Judy Blume fans, that sounds familiar, and I stole it for my post this time because it seems to be exactly where I am right now.  I have accomplished a goal that I set out to finish 12 years ago.  I am graduating with a Bachelors Degree.  This should be a big deal!  This should be something I brag about and celebrate, right?  The weird thing is, I'm not even sure how I got here.  Or where I'm supposed to go now.  I've spent so long trying to accomplish this goal, that I'm not sure how to respond to actually doing it.  It feels like so much happened along the way that this, by comparison, isn't that big a deal.
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world.  But how do I do that?  In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian.  So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God?  It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree.  Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me.  Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be.  Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere.  But where?

Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)

That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.

K

The World Owes Me.....Nothing.

In my head life has some extremely opposing dynamics.  I go between being incredibly grateful for the life that I have to crying on my bedroom floor because I don't always get what I feel I deserve.  So in reality, I really haven't grown so far away from the 16 year old me that pouted when she didn't get her way.
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled.  Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve?  When did respect become something that I deserved?  I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned.  That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature.  What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me.  She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist.  I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post.  I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do.  Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both.  That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone.  My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us.  The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us.  The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing.  Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work.  An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me?  Nothing.  So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive.  I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen.  If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him.  When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything. 

K

When I want what I want, and not what I need.

The human impulse system is credibly strong, for food, for interaction, for love.  But when do impulses become dangerous?  Be they physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?
How do we as human beings recognize something that at the time is precious and wonderful then turn into something dangerous and harmful to us? Or see it for the harmful thing that it is in the first place?
You would think that we would know.  But often times, well, the heart and mind can be deceiving.  Biblically speaking the heart is usually the problem.  And that is where the majority of my own issues in decision making come in.
I have always been a do things because my heart is in it kind of person.  I have always felt things strongly, love, dislike, passion, and intensity are norms in the world of Kris.
Typically when it comes to love for God, my husband, my child, even my pets and friends this is not a dangerous thing.  But how do you know when it becomes dangerous?  When do our feelings take over to push us towards unhealthy relationships or actions and how do we prevent this from happening?
Well, there are the obvious cases, if someone is physically abusing you, when someone is mentally and emotionally abusing you, when someone suddenly tries to tell you that you aren't who you are.
That last one is something that needs somewhat of an explanation.
God made you. Agreeing or disagreeing for me is a mute point, it's the truth.  So I look at the person that I am and say, yup, I'm pretty amazing, this body has been through a lot, this brain too, and this heart.  But why?  Well, some of it was to grow me into a more Godly person, meaning I had wondered away from my creator and he brought me back closer.
Some of it was ridiculous choices that I made that hurt myself, half the men I've dated in my life, some of the friends that I have had were not the best influences on me, but I chose them, and they were who they were and I chose to be who I was at the time.  To not take accountablity for that would be immature on so many levels it would be nuts.
So now that I have more maturity in years and in spirit and with getting my heart broken into a million pieces, so when my heart wants something that is downright bad for it (and usually instinct tells you that, it's if you chose to listen) and my brain isnt' putting up quite the fight it needs to, what then?
Well, first, I pray.  God already knows what my heart is telling me and that I am close to doing something stupid and harmful to myself.  So I bring it to him and ask for help.
If you were thinking of committing physical harm to yourself or someone else, I would hope that you would find help, but somehow we think that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we are stronger than our impulses and stronger on our own.
We aren't.  At least I'm not.
Tell a friend that you trust to tell you the truth.  The majority of us have those friends that love us enough to tell us when we are about to do something dumb.  Tell them about it, and reality may hit you square in the face when you say it out loud to someone else as to how harmful it could be to you and possibly others.
Change your thought process.  I know, most people will tell me that isn't possible.  But it is.  It really and truly is.  It's hard, it takes work, it takes a lot of prayer, mediation, and ultimately sacrificing whatever it is that you think you want, but it's possible.  I know.  I've done it with God's help.
Every battle is not something that I win.  I make mistakes, I trip over my own feelings and get caught up sometimes.  But bringing them to God, well, for me that is just what makes sense if I can't see myself clearly, I know for sure that He can.
Let's face it, as a human being there are going to be things that I just want.  I will continue to want and that in the long run will kick the crap out of me and leave me hurting.
So instead of allowing that,  I choose to let God and the word of God tell me what I need.
And I need Him.  Nothing in this world that will ever present itself will fill that God shaped hole in me like He can.  Nothing else was meant to.
So when I struggle to see and feel what's best for me, I look to something greater than myself, a love that is bigger than any other thing in this world or any other....and I allow God to lift me out of my own emotions long enough for me to see what he does, that I have grace, that I have love, that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
And what I wanted seems silly and ridiculous in comparison.
Praise God for that.

K

When did I become this person?

There are moments in life when you look around and wonder how you got there.

It happened to me when I got sick as a child and I couldn't understand why everyone else was so afraid. 
It happened when I fell in love for the first time and months later got kicked to the curb.
It happened when I figured out how intelligent God made me.
It happened when I also figured out that emotionally I picked up on things incredibly quickly.
It happens quite honestly a lot.

As I got older, I looked around and wondered how people could do certain things without the emotional pain that I felt when I watched them do them.  I wasn't even involved but somehow I knew that certain buttons were pushed and emotions would happen. This isn't and wasn't something to brag about.  It hurts and it can be a heavy load carrying around your own feelings and the many feelings that others have around you.

I could see when someone was out of control angry, I could see when someone was incredibly hurt, and I could see when silence wasn't comfortable or when someone couldn't process their own feelings.

When I was younger, I hated this ability.  I would lash out with my own feelings to just get people to stay away from me so that I didn't absorb theirs.
As I got older I used the ability to control people's feelings and either use or hurt them.
Now, I realize that this is a gift to help people and to show compassion and love to people who have a hard time accepting it.  And I give it whether they accept it or not.

This is not always easy.  Sometimes my feelings lead me to places that I need to turn around and smartly walk away from, sometimes my feeling are hurt by the same thing over and over again, and sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I have to shut myself away so that I don't almost literally have my head explode.

It's taken years to understand, and I still don't quite have it down.  Especially when it comes to figuring out my own feelings from someone else's.  It's incredibly easy for me to feel someone else's pain, or fear, or intensity and make it my own, until I realize that it's not.  But I do have a barometer, I do have the Holy Spirit to take a step back from all of these feelings and remind me that my heart can be deceitful, and sometimes other people's hearts can be too.

I use the standards in the Bible to set boundaries in my life not just because it is the living and active word of God, but also because it allows me to see the person that I am, the person that God intended me to be and not the person who constantly steps back and says "when did I become this person?"

I have spent so much time and energy pushing to understand the feelings and thoughts of others because it is a gift, and God intends for me to use it for His purpose.  However, there are many times where it can hurt me and others if not kept within the boundaries that He set.  It has always been very hard to control and sometimes my feelings or other people's can sweep me away.

But I hold fast to the rock steady rhythm of the pulse of God that runs through me, I pray for the ability to see past my heart, feelings and my own thoughts and others to what amazing things are in store for me and the people that I love.  I remember that all of the good that comes from those feelings and the growth from the not so good feelings serve a purpose for someone, even if not for me.

So when did I become THIS person?  The minute that I said yes to Christ and all the goodness that he has given me.  Every day I wake up and make mistakes and mess up because that is what we all do.  But every day I have the chance to make choices to honor God, to honor those around me and to love them and their feelings regardless of what they are.  I hope that I keep on growing to become a better person, regardless of situations, circumstances, or pain.

There are plans for me, and for you, even if we don't yet know where we are being lead.  I now realize that every day I should be asking "when did I become this person?" so that I can remember the amazing path that I took to get here.

That place between black and white

Typically I post on my blog about the positive side of things, or the negative but with the perspective of a woman who is very much loved by God and has the strength through him to live through and survive anything.

My whole life has been a series of decisions that for me were always so black and white, or so I thought.  When I look back now, and even in times now I see how I can take something incredibly simple and make it incredibly complicated.  Sometimes the black and white that I see isn't just tinged in gray, it is submersed in gray.  I used to think that this was a bad thing, that gray areas couldn't be possible because black and white to me were the same as right and wrong.

Let's face it; I don't like to be wrong.

And yet, the older that I get, the more that I see the need for black, white, and gray.  Translation, right, wrong, and compromise.

Don't get me wrong, God's word is always right. That isn't a part of this discussion, it's just the truth.  And the majority of the times, most people know the other sides of that coin, we all have a conscience that tells us when things are wrong, that is God given as well.

But that gray area sometimes gets a bad rap.  Many people, me included can see the in-between places not just as scary but as a copout zone.  And in certain cases that is absolutely true, when we make excuses instead of being accountable, when we won't take a side because we are afraid of judgment or of someone not liking us.

But when you look more closely at parts of the gray area of life, this is where compromise is born, and compromise in relationships, in love, in life, in understanding is absolutely necessary.

The gray area is also where grace resides, where we show love to each other when we make a mistake, where we are given permission by God to forgive ourselves because he has already forgiven us. Where Godly sorrow takes us to a place where we can change instead of feeling guilty, where grace resides and pride is put away.

I think that if you see everything in black and white you can sometimes get stuck there.  That suddenly instead of seeing a mistake you see someone's flaws so clearly that love and compassion no longer exist.  Sometimes we forget that we've been given the gift of love, caring, and relationships with so many amazing people and instead of showing that vulnerable part of our heart, we judge. 

We judge ourselves, others, situations, and anyone else that doesn't agree with our belief or who doesn't see the world as we do.

I think that some of my best moments in life were when I surrendered to the gray, when I surrendered to pure unadulterated love, when I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with compassion for someone I didn't even like.

Life surprises you sometimes by growing you in confusion and helping you to find exactly what you were meant to in that moment.

Black and white are necessary, as are right and wrong and knowing the difference, but real life and real experiences, and real growth happen within the gray where you don't really know what to do, but you trust God to show you.



K