There are things that I have now that when I was young I never had and therefore never worried about. As a teenager and in my twenties I dreamt of a house, a husband, a job, and kids. I had huge goals of the type of person that I would be, the kind of life that I would lead, and the things that I would do.
We live in a country where we can do that. Where going to college is something that every person can do if they want to. That we can think of a profession or a job and if it's really what we want to do we can almost always find a way to make it happen.
We literally live in a huge world of choices and opportunity.
And most of the time we take it for granted. Most times, having so many choices makes us unwilling to make a choice in case we are wrong, or God forbid, someone holds us accountable for our choices.
The problems that we have in our lives (well, these are kind of specific to mine) are "Hey, I wanted to get new shoes because the brown ones that I have are kind of beat up" or "I have to pay back my student loan starting the first of the year" or " My job title is System Administrator Intermediate I really should be a System Administrator Senior" or "My teenager is driving me nuts I really wish I could give him to someone else until he grows out of this phase" or "I left my cell phone at home" or......insert your issue here.
In our lives, we have expectations. Life should be fair. I deserve that job that pays more, I deserve a big house for my family. I should be healthy I eat right and exercise. I need that car, tv, computer, cell phone, vacation.....again, fill in your "need" here.
What I have come to realize in my own selfishness is that everything that I have, I have because I lucked into it. I was born in a fair, stable, most people aren't starving to death country. To amazing parents who did the best that they could, married a wonderful man and adopted a great kid.
I have two cats and two dogs. I have a job that allows me to have credit cards and let's me pay for my college education. Oh, wait, I have a college education. I live in one of the best medical communities in the United States so my life was saved by a transplant almost 4 years ago.
I didn't provide any of this for myself. I lucked into living where I live, having the family that I have, and being able to get great medical care.
I think that sometimes we misunderstand what we are really entitled to. Clean water, food, a safe place to sleep and live. Those are basic human needs. Anything beyond that and we should stop our complaining.
I am a perfect example of this. I constantly want better than what I have, which in some cases allows me to grow, and have goals, and expand my knowledge and experience. On the other hand this discontent can also affect the people around me when my expectation is of perfect at every given moment and never about being content with where I am at. Most times the expectations that I have for myself are even higher.
We most times don't want to work for anything. I mean really, really work.
Consider this, people in Africa that are farmers consider it an honor to grow food for themselves because otherwise they would starve, and so would most of their village and family. Think about the fact that these same people don't have running water, or electricity, or phones, or a TV.
That the majority of their day is spent, surviving. But that they are joyful and grateful, because they are alive. How many of us would get up at 4am to work all day until the sun went down. Then walk 2 miles each way to get clean water to drink, fix rice for dinner, and then sleep for 8 hours to get up and do it all again? And do it with determination, joy, and to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others?
It's hard for any of us to know what it is to live that life or even anything remotely close to it. Our lives are lived in convenience. Even the poorest of us.
It's not always fair to compare yourself to others, but in most cases if it will humble us out and allow us to be grateful for anything we have it's well worth it.
I need to look around me and stop complaining. I need to be grateful and gracious with my giving of money, time, and love, because I started off with so much of that to begin with.
I need to realize that my life has an affect on others and that I have a choice as to how my love, words, and actions affect them.
And I need to try and narrow down what I actually need. Realize how much overflow I have, and not only be grateful but be giving in sharing with others.
Live a life of impact by living a life of gratitude that encourages you to share all that you have with those who need it most. That is a goal I can be proud of, and happy with.
Much love.
K
Friday, November 22, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Married Romance......
My husband bought me a chest freezer today. Then we went to Costco, got a membership and went shopping. It's one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever done for me.
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Welcome back FieryRedhead
So it will be two months since my last blog post tomorrow. I figured that I had enough time away from writing to the public to come back and hopefully write something of substance. You see, I only write when I am affected greatly by something, be it spiritually, emotionally, or physically. My need to write typically doesn't come in the positive times in my life.
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Perspective - A reposting......
I was going to write a new blog post today - since it's my spiritual birthday - but then I re-read this one and felt that I had said everything I needed to say about my love for God, and for people, here.
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I'm Not Filled Up
I'm not filled up with love right now. A small part of me believes that it will never happen, but then the rest of me shoves that part down. My whole life I have believed it my job to make other people happy by whatever means necessary. To love them unconditionally.
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom! And I've been that person temporarily at times. But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave? I am broken in this way. Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that. Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships. There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong. At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it. So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people. Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed. I am not a project to be completed. I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can. He will. And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time. When? I don't know. But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment. This is emotion. Pure and simple.
This is pain. This is life. This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute. Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed. I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me. God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing. God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are. Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore. People that I love. People that mean so very, very much to me. Please be patient. Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God. Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love. And we all succeed when that happens.
In love,
K
This has left me more hurt, more heart broken, and more empty than any other endeavor of my life.
I've thought about it deeply, that love can conquer anything, that feelings can outweigh a reality, and that I can talk myself into giving everything I have to everyone I love and succeed.
Maybe I can give everything, but it will not lead to success.
Our culture proclaims that you should live for you, do what you want, have freedom! And I've been that person temporarily at times. But what it really comes down to is people liked me better as the confident, strong, I'm not putting up with that woman, because then they didn't have to see the scared, needy, in pain, and weak woman behind that needed love more than anything in the world.
I have to ask myself, when is the last time I did something out of pure love for another person and not because I wanted them to like me, or I wanted to fill a hole inside me, or because I was afraid they would leave? I am broken in this way. Fear should never be a precursor to love.
Love should be (and for me used to be) an overflowing of the heart, a heart that is so full of love that it bursts out and embraces others, it loves others, and it wants nothing for itself.
Right now, I feel incapable of that. Right now, I love to the best of my ability but it feels limited by hurt feelings, rejected offers, and my insecurity about never being good enough.
Let's face it, we like our shallow relationships. There isn't as much baggage, or emotional stress, or expectations from someone strong. At one point or another I believe that we have all run from that "needy" person who just can't seem to get it together.
I've done it. So I can see both sides here.
I can claim to be exactly what you see, and man, I am good at pulling off that "I've got it together" thing with most people. Even those closest to me.
Mainly because I am so in pain now that any encouragement comes off as judgment, that any redirection seems like an attempt to change the subject and because it's trying to survive my heart is burying itself deeper and deeper behind the wall that I've built.
Some people will read this and think, wow, she really needs to get it together, or hey, she needs some help, or so and so would be better suited to fix the situation.
I am not a situation that needs fixed. I am not a project to be completed. I am not filled and you can't fill me.
God can. He will. And he will grow me into the person that I am meant to be, the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, the woman who is joyful and peaceful and at ease the majority of the time. When? I don't know. But I do know that it will be in his time, that right now where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be, and that God loves me and this is not punishment. This is emotion. Pure and simple.
This is pain. This is life. This is me taking a break from pretending to be ok and allowing myself the freedom to express who I am, right in this minute. Who I have been for quite a while now.
And to let the people know that read this, that love me, that pray for me, that have genuine and close and amazing relationships with me, I know that you've noticed. I know that you don't know what to do, and I am telling you right now the best way to handle it, is to just love me. God will use you for his purpose even if you don't believe that.
God will fill me up when its time and it will be amazing. God is making me stronger right now because I am willing to set my pride down and just tell it like it is.
Emotions, even negative ones are not a sin, they are what they are. Just like physical pain they tell us when something is wrong. Once expressed they allow us to move closer to healing.
So for now people that I adore. People that I love. People that mean so very, very much to me. Please be patient. Allow me the time to be still and know that He is God. Love me in whatever way you can, and I will become filled up.
Because even in this, God can heal, grow, and show me his grace, mercy, and love. And we all succeed when that happens.
In love,
K
Monday, July 15, 2013
Are you there God? It's Me, Kris.
Yes, for those of us that are Judy Blume fans, that sounds familiar, and I stole it for my post this time because it seems to be exactly where I am right now. I have accomplished a goal that I set out to finish 12 years ago. I am graduating with a Bachelors Degree. This should be a big deal! This should be something I brag about and celebrate, right? The weird thing is, I'm not even sure how I got here. Or where I'm supposed to go now. I've spent so long trying to accomplish this goal, that I'm not sure how to respond to actually doing it. It feels like so much happened along the way that this, by comparison, isn't that big a deal.
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Now don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for education, a strong work ethic, and using your God given abilities to better this world. But how do I do that? In the beginning I was married to my first husband, I wasn't sick yet, and I wasn't a Christian. So my goals then, compared to my goals now, are incredibly different.
How do I use this amazing gift of information, education, and intelligence to serve God? It's not a philosophy degree, or a religious studies degree, how do I use modern technology to serve God and what purpose did he have for me getting this degree. Obviously this is the one that I was supposed to get, he gave it to me. Obviously, I want to use it to serve his purpose, but what is that?
So here I am, a day after finishing my final paper for my degree saying (or rather praying) about what the next steps of my life should be. Not just in my career but I'm looking at the bigger picture, where does he want me to be as a servant of Christ, where does he want me as a wife and mother, where does he want me, well, period?
Big changes like Eric getting a new job, me graduating from college, and I'm sure more to follow are to me are a sign that God is pointing me in a new direction. That this part of my life is over and it's time to take stock and move elsewhere. But where?
Proverbs 28:13 “There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (NIV)
That is my answer. Regardless of what God has planned for me, it is good, I have hope in it, and as long as I am walking towards my savior that hope will sustain me.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I will be in life, or in my job, but I do know that I am a beloved child of Christ, that he will lead me to where I need to be to serve him best in every aspect of my life.
Now, to stop trying to figure out what that is and trust him to show me.
K
Friday, July 5, 2013
The World Owes Me.....Nothing.
In my head life has some extremely opposing dynamics. I go between being incredibly grateful for the life that I have to crying on my bedroom floor because I don't always get what I feel I deserve. So in reality, I really haven't grown so far away from the 16 year old me that pouted when she didn't get her way.
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
I look around me and I am incredibly grateful, I have a husband, a child, a job, a house, a car, we even have two motorcycles.......and yet I am unfulfilled. Not all the time, just when it happens that either we don't have the money that we want or because somehow I can't get the date night I asked for or the respect that I think I deserve.
Deserve? When did respect become something that I deserved? I was alway taught that respect was something to be earned. That EVERYTHING was something to be earned with the exception of love and that love wasn't earned, but heck, you had to work for it. (Let me clarify I am not talking about the love of God).
I wish that I could sit here and tell you that respect is automatic and that love is a human being's natural state.
But neither one of those are true.
Now, for those of you reading this that know me, you know that by nature I am an incredibly emotional, sensitive, loving, and respectful creature. What you may not always get, or may not yet have experienced is the other parts of me, the bitter, prideful, ungrateful, give it to me now, selfish me. She's there, and man she can get angry and incredibly hurt sometimes.
I don't think that people have to agree with me all the time, I don't typically feel the need to tell people how to live their lives unless they ask but man now it's to the point where I can't say anything anymore without people claiming that I am stepping on their "rights", offending their point of view, and telling them who they should be.
Now I have sat back and taken a good look at myself, and let me say for the record, I am bossy, and pushy, and sometimes outright mean......it doesn't help that the majority of the time that these things are directed at myself.
Everything that I push onto others I have already pushed onto myself, the expectations that I have for others I have for myself, and all that love me, hear this....I'm a perfectionist. I am far from perfect, but I expect otherwise from myself.
Which leads me to why I felt the need to write this post. I think that I have certain unalienable rights past being given life in the first place, when quite honestly I don't. None of us do. Let me repeat that, none of us do.
As far back as man goes we have always had to work for anything that we wanted, we had to farm and kill our own food, we had to walk where we wanted to go until animals, bikes, trains, cars, and airplanes came into being, we had to provide for our children and raise them and give them food until they could do so for themselves.
So why is it now that we think that food should just be given to us, that we should all have cars, or mototcycles, or both. That other people are responsible for the children that we have, and how they behave or don't behave?
This isn't a hey, simplify your life speech, but it is certainly a hey, you wanted it, you have it, now take care of it and stop asking other people to take care of it for you talk.
And again, it is directed at myself more than anyone. My husband and I chose to buy a fixer upper, so the fact that it needs to much work and will cost money , and that frustrates me, well, that's on us. The fact that we chose to have 2 dogs, and 2 cats, and they need food, water, love, and medical attention, again, that's on us. The fact that we wanted a vacation this year, but we also needed new tires on every vehicle we own, and so we had to put off other projects, us again.
So the point I'm trying to make here is, the world owes me nothing. Everything that I have is either a blessing from God, or something that is in my life to grow me, or quite honestly something I chose to have.
I'm a big believer in simplifying, or so I say, but I have a closet full of clothese and I still want more, I have a car that I could take the bus to work but don't, I have a giant house that isn't finished, but I have a place to live, and more importantly a husband and a child that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world but our relationships don't just happen they take work. An extended family that surrounds me with love when I need it, and more friends than I can handle.
So what does the world owe me? Nothing. So when I whine about my life, lovingly tell me to be quiet, because the blessings out weigh the heartache and even when it's the reverse, it is still an amazing thing to be alive. I wasn't promised easy, or pain free, none of us were, so I suppose I should stop expecting that and live in the glory that God has given me and work to make my life and the lives of others better through the love that was placed inside me for that reason.
Focusing on that makes me understand that I owe God and people this love and if people choose to show it back then Amen. If they don't then I am loved enough to begin with and I shouldn't take it so personally because life isn't supposed to be about me, it's supposed to be about Him. When I look at it like that, then I can't help but humble out, take a step back, and remember that even if I don't feel it, or see it, He owed me nothing, but he really did give me everything.
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)