Not so long ago I was that crazy, outspoken girl that always wanted to be the center of attention. Most conversations that I had were focused around what was happening in my life and how something wasn't fair, so how someone had wronged me, or why could that person not like me. I yelled, I screamed, I bragged, I was prideful and indignant for no reason that anyone could understand. Quite honestly I felt like everyone around me should feel lucky to be around me because I was smart and funny, and pretty, and I had it all together.
Reality check. I thought I had it all together. Then my first husband divorced me, I became ill with end stage renal failure, and I saw who my true friends were. Bad circumstances tend to scare off fair weather friends, sometimes they will scare off even those you thought would take a bullet for you.
All of this happened about 5 years ago and since that time, much has changed. I met the love of my life Eric, who not only asked me to marry him while I was on dialysis, but literally saved my life a couple of times prior to me having a double organ transplant a month after we got engaged. Six months after transplant we got married on the front porch of our new house.
Funny how things that you never saw as important change when you become a disciple of Christ. That phrase makes a lot of people uncomfortable, Disciple of Christ. Religion and false teachings of people that use God to hide behind and something to manipulate people have given those who love God and therefore live to his standard and not their own, a bad rap.
People that I consider some of my best friends get uncomfortable when I bring up God, not because I am preaching at them but because I am sharing my life and how much better it is with God in it. They see rules, and I see freedom. They see rhetoric, and I see truth. They see something that is open to interpretation and I see the word of God.
Yes, I'm a Christian, yes, I live my life in a biblical way. You would think that me becoming more about changing myself into a better person would be something that everyone could get behind. But in the last three years I have found that isn't true.
People are more comfortable with someone who isn't trying to make their life better and continuously growing and changing. They want you to stay the same so that they can too.
This isn't a judgement, it's my own experience.
These days, when I say look at me first, I mean I look at myself and see what I can change about me prior to looking at someone else and telling them to change because you can't really change anyone else. It took me until I was 40 to figure that out.
I choose to follow God because I have seen how it has made my life better, in little and in major ways. These days I look at myself differently because I can look closely and see the ways that I need to grow to be closer to God and that in doing so I am more loving, more compassionate, more caring and more focused on what other people need and less on what I need.
I am no martyr, but I am so far from perfect that I appreciate the grace Christ gives me and the love that I have always been surrounded with. Even before I devoted my life to Christ, I was blessed with amazing relationhips that I treasure to this day.
But it's wonderful when you can look at your life and realize that you are now serving a purpose bigger than yourself. When instead of wanting more than what you have, you appreciate your blessings. Your perspective is different because what you care about has changed.
Being human, of course I still worry about where the money is going to come from, if I will be better or worse after my surgery next week, if my husband and I will work through any problems that arise, if I can be a better wife, mom, and person. But the doer in me now has to step back and trust. Not an easy thing to do when you are used to being a control freak. But I know that God has my best interest at heart, all the time. Romans 8 says so. :) I know that whatever is happening is what is supposed to be happening, per God's plan and not mine, and his plan is always better than mine any way.
These days I try not to worry, or give into fear. I try not to attempt to control people and situations that honestly I can't control anyway. I pray that I can continue to keep my standard as the one God laid out for me and that my goals coincide with his.
For the first time in my life I am really trying to humble out and be joyful, Even in the worse of circumstances.
None of this would be possible without the holy spirit in me and around me. None of it would happen if not for God's love for me. Do bad things happen to good people? You better believe it, but what they decide to do with it is what allows them to grow or stay the same.
So yes, good or bad I am a disciple of Christ. Yes, I choose his way over mine. Do I think that everyone should do it? Sure. I recommend at least trying it before judging it, because that is the honest way to look at things. To experience them for yourself, and to come to your own convictions one way or the other.
Me, I love my life this way, because in every situation I am encouraged to love. I really enjoy loving people even when it makes them uncomfortable.
K
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
A Blessed Life
Today was the 3 year anniversary of me getting a second chance at life. On this day 3 years ago I was getting a new kidney and pancreas through transplant. I was 37 years old and for some reason I was not afraid at all.
Somehow I knew that the surgery was going to change my life forever. And it did. As always, God had a plan for my life that I knew nothing about and it was an amazing thing. Three years after the fact I remember less about the hospital and the pain killers that were so strong that I would fall asleep in the middle of conversations. I remember less about not being able to eat because my new meds made me sick and that my anemia made me depressed for weeks. I remember less and less about the pain and the suffering that I went through and I remember more and more the person that it turned me into.
You see, in the year 2010 not only did this tranplant save my life, it gave me marriage to the love of my life, a son that I never expected to have as a bonus love in my life, a new home for our family and the truth and love of God.
God has given me so much in the last 3 years to rejoice over I can't count the blessings.
Of course, being chronically ill isn't all hearts and roses, I have had several hospitalizations with infections, I have had to stay home from work and take IV meds through a picc line for a month, I have had complications, I have had pain, I've had to withdraw from school with only 3 classes left so that I can have surgery. That same surgery was supposed to happen twice before and didn't because of previously mentioned infections, I have struggled. I have been frustrated with my body and it's lack of "being able to do what it used to".
At the same time I have become a follower of Christ, which has given me the strength to keep going. I have deepened my relationship with God, I have fought for a better marriage with my husband, I do my best to love my child unconditionally, I have surrounded myself with people that not only encourage me in my successes but correct me in love when I hurt them, or when I am hurting myself. I am better able to love.
Today was an amazing day. I worked, but all in all I woke up to a loving husband that teased and wished me a Happy Wednesday (his way of telling me that he remembered what today was). I had amazing conversations with several of my friends about their lives and how they were doing, which good or bad always brings me joy. I was encouraged by a friend at work through email who is a survivor of a different chronic disease that I inspired her because I was so open with my feelings.
I went to church and stood up to share the good news of today and my evangelist started my good news for me by sharing that it was good that I was back, how grateful I am that he noticed that I hadn't been there. Then another person stood up to share good news and hers was to lift up a friend of mine Helen and I (Helen has cancer) because she saw us as examples as to how to be faithful to God in times of tribulation and suffering.
I was so humbled, because any good that I show in my suffering is only because God has instilled it in me, only because he gave me a joyful heart that refuses to give up, only because he surrounded me with people who lift me up instead of knocking me down.
I am filled with gratitude at the end of this day just like all the other days of my life, because every day I wake up to a world where I am never alone. God holds my hand, or has Eric or someone else do it for him. That love is neverending and fills me up.
My relationships show me how I am doing in my relationship with God, and today I was encouraged to find out that I am doing better than I thought I was.
Today was an incredibly wonderful day.
James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
What a gift this life is and though life will change and pain and suffering are a part of that, love will never change.
I love you all.
Kris
Somehow I knew that the surgery was going to change my life forever. And it did. As always, God had a plan for my life that I knew nothing about and it was an amazing thing. Three years after the fact I remember less about the hospital and the pain killers that were so strong that I would fall asleep in the middle of conversations. I remember less about not being able to eat because my new meds made me sick and that my anemia made me depressed for weeks. I remember less and less about the pain and the suffering that I went through and I remember more and more the person that it turned me into.
You see, in the year 2010 not only did this tranplant save my life, it gave me marriage to the love of my life, a son that I never expected to have as a bonus love in my life, a new home for our family and the truth and love of God.
God has given me so much in the last 3 years to rejoice over I can't count the blessings.
Of course, being chronically ill isn't all hearts and roses, I have had several hospitalizations with infections, I have had to stay home from work and take IV meds through a picc line for a month, I have had complications, I have had pain, I've had to withdraw from school with only 3 classes left so that I can have surgery. That same surgery was supposed to happen twice before and didn't because of previously mentioned infections, I have struggled. I have been frustrated with my body and it's lack of "being able to do what it used to".
At the same time I have become a follower of Christ, which has given me the strength to keep going. I have deepened my relationship with God, I have fought for a better marriage with my husband, I do my best to love my child unconditionally, I have surrounded myself with people that not only encourage me in my successes but correct me in love when I hurt them, or when I am hurting myself. I am better able to love.
Today was an amazing day. I worked, but all in all I woke up to a loving husband that teased and wished me a Happy Wednesday (his way of telling me that he remembered what today was). I had amazing conversations with several of my friends about their lives and how they were doing, which good or bad always brings me joy. I was encouraged by a friend at work through email who is a survivor of a different chronic disease that I inspired her because I was so open with my feelings.
I went to church and stood up to share the good news of today and my evangelist started my good news for me by sharing that it was good that I was back, how grateful I am that he noticed that I hadn't been there. Then another person stood up to share good news and hers was to lift up a friend of mine Helen and I (Helen has cancer) because she saw us as examples as to how to be faithful to God in times of tribulation and suffering.
I was so humbled, because any good that I show in my suffering is only because God has instilled it in me, only because he gave me a joyful heart that refuses to give up, only because he surrounded me with people who lift me up instead of knocking me down.
I am filled with gratitude at the end of this day just like all the other days of my life, because every day I wake up to a world where I am never alone. God holds my hand, or has Eric or someone else do it for him. That love is neverending and fills me up.
My relationships show me how I am doing in my relationship with God, and today I was encouraged to find out that I am doing better than I thought I was.
Today was an incredibly wonderful day.
James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
What a gift this life is and though life will change and pain and suffering are a part of that, love will never change.
I love you all.
Kris
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Re-Evaluate
I turned 40 this year. A lot of people look at this time in their lives and think about what they have missed, what they still have left to do, where they should be in their jobs, their family life, and their growth as a person.
None of this is wrong. Re-evaluation of where we are as people is a constant thing that we should be doing, but looking at my life through my own eyes only gives me a limited perspective. If I am only looking at my world using my own standards I'm not opening myself up to the amazing plans that God has for me.
I am a person who has high expectations for myself, sometimes to my own detriment. I want to be perfect, at everything, and then when I'm not, then I feel I've let myself and others down. The only thing that I should be worried about is the standards that God asks of me, he is incredibly more forgiving of my flaws than I am. Probably because he knows them and what I am capable of much better than I ever will. He created me, he made me beautiful and special and his.
When I mess up he isn't surprised. When I fall, he knows. When I fail, he loves me anyway.
God knows that my one and only heart's desire is to live as he wants me to. And that is an amazing thing. If you don't have the full picture of God's love and grace then the rules take over and it becomes overwhelming.
But if you look at what God wants, if you do it because you love him it is incredibly easy, although fighting my own doubts get in the way.
There are a few basic truths, of course this is the Kris simplified version, never doubt that he loves you, he does. Never doubt that what is happening is for the good (maybe not your personal good, but for the greater good in God's plan). Follow God's way no matter what and things will always turn out better, for everyone.
If you don't know God's way, then ask, question, study his word and his character to find out what it is. Talk to someone about it that you know loves God first. Then live for a while in the way that God asks you to, see if it's not right, see if a burden isn't lifted from your shoulders, see if you don't bask in the love that God has for you and had all along.
I have lived both ways, without God and for the last 2 and some years with him, life is hard either way, but when you recognize that God is always in your corner, when you look to him and trust, there is nothing like it.
Recently I've been sick. Actually most of my life I've been sick. I get asked all the time how I deal with it. I get asked if I'm angry, and by the world's standards I should be. But if I take everything as an opportunity to learn, then the titles of good and bad are taken away and everything is just something that I am learning. It allows a freedom that I wouldn't have otherwise, a wisdom that I would never have on my own, and the ability to make choices with confidence.
If everything that I am is love, is compassion, is giving, then how can I go wrong? If I choose pain over anger then I'm skipping hurting someone else. If I surround myself with God's love, then I can't help but surround others with it too.
So my re-evaluation allows me to decide to let go of what I thought I wanted and accept and nurture what God wants for me. The direction that I thought I was going changes and I start on a new adventure, a life and love without limits becoming the person that God intended me to be all along.
As always, scripture says it best,
Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
I hope that my re-evaluations of myself using God's standards lead me closer to this every day.
K
None of this is wrong. Re-evaluation of where we are as people is a constant thing that we should be doing, but looking at my life through my own eyes only gives me a limited perspective. If I am only looking at my world using my own standards I'm not opening myself up to the amazing plans that God has for me.
I am a person who has high expectations for myself, sometimes to my own detriment. I want to be perfect, at everything, and then when I'm not, then I feel I've let myself and others down. The only thing that I should be worried about is the standards that God asks of me, he is incredibly more forgiving of my flaws than I am. Probably because he knows them and what I am capable of much better than I ever will. He created me, he made me beautiful and special and his.
When I mess up he isn't surprised. When I fall, he knows. When I fail, he loves me anyway.
God knows that my one and only heart's desire is to live as he wants me to. And that is an amazing thing. If you don't have the full picture of God's love and grace then the rules take over and it becomes overwhelming.
But if you look at what God wants, if you do it because you love him it is incredibly easy, although fighting my own doubts get in the way.
There are a few basic truths, of course this is the Kris simplified version, never doubt that he loves you, he does. Never doubt that what is happening is for the good (maybe not your personal good, but for the greater good in God's plan). Follow God's way no matter what and things will always turn out better, for everyone.
If you don't know God's way, then ask, question, study his word and his character to find out what it is. Talk to someone about it that you know loves God first. Then live for a while in the way that God asks you to, see if it's not right, see if a burden isn't lifted from your shoulders, see if you don't bask in the love that God has for you and had all along.
I have lived both ways, without God and for the last 2 and some years with him, life is hard either way, but when you recognize that God is always in your corner, when you look to him and trust, there is nothing like it.
Recently I've been sick. Actually most of my life I've been sick. I get asked all the time how I deal with it. I get asked if I'm angry, and by the world's standards I should be. But if I take everything as an opportunity to learn, then the titles of good and bad are taken away and everything is just something that I am learning. It allows a freedom that I wouldn't have otherwise, a wisdom that I would never have on my own, and the ability to make choices with confidence.
If everything that I am is love, is compassion, is giving, then how can I go wrong? If I choose pain over anger then I'm skipping hurting someone else. If I surround myself with God's love, then I can't help but surround others with it too.
So my re-evaluation allows me to decide to let go of what I thought I wanted and accept and nurture what God wants for me. The direction that I thought I was going changes and I start on a new adventure, a life and love without limits becoming the person that God intended me to be all along.
As always, scripture says it best,
Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
I hope that my re-evaluations of myself using God's standards lead me closer to this every day.
K
Monday, November 26, 2012
Happy Birthday my beautiful baby sister squared
The story of my sister and I goes like this. Our parents met when I was 14 and she was 5. I fell in love with my baby sister from the very first time we met and she fell asleep on me in the car.
We grew up in separate houses (her mom married my dad) but when we did see each other I don't really remember anything but joy and wanting to hug and protect her.
When my dad adopted her at 6 years old, I made sure that I was at the courthouse because she was going to be my family too.
I was the big sister that took her to the big city when I was in my twenties and she was a teenager. We always had lunch at least for her birthday when she was younger.
When she went away to college and became a disciple of Christ, I believed her when she said that she had found her place with God and I saw how mature her decision was even if I didn't understand it.
Melissa met her husband to be and she got married and has two amazing children. She celebrated her 10 year anniversary this year and I can't tell her how proud I am of her and her role as God's child, wife, mother, sister, and friend.
I have learned so much from my baby sister who grew up in the important ways long before I did.
She showed me God's love, she showed me her commitment to the life that God had chosen for her, and she saw things in me that God revealed to her that I didn't see in myself.
Melissa and I have been through sin and saved together. We have been through sickness (lots of that) and health together. We have always loved each other and God has always allowed us to do it as unconditionally as possible.
Biologically we aren't related, by law she is my sister, in my heart, she is the baby girl that I still want to love and protect and grow with.
In Christ we are inseparable.
Melissa
I want you and everyone else in the world to know that we were always meant to be best friends. That God's plan was that we would forever and always love each other. That my life would be so different if you had not been stragetically placed in it.
I love you with all of my heart and I praise God that I get to spend another year with you here in this world and forever with you in heaven.
Happy Birthday honey.
K
We grew up in separate houses (her mom married my dad) but when we did see each other I don't really remember anything but joy and wanting to hug and protect her.
When my dad adopted her at 6 years old, I made sure that I was at the courthouse because she was going to be my family too.
I was the big sister that took her to the big city when I was in my twenties and she was a teenager. We always had lunch at least for her birthday when she was younger.
When she went away to college and became a disciple of Christ, I believed her when she said that she had found her place with God and I saw how mature her decision was even if I didn't understand it.
Melissa met her husband to be and she got married and has two amazing children. She celebrated her 10 year anniversary this year and I can't tell her how proud I am of her and her role as God's child, wife, mother, sister, and friend.
I have learned so much from my baby sister who grew up in the important ways long before I did.
She showed me God's love, she showed me her commitment to the life that God had chosen for her, and she saw things in me that God revealed to her that I didn't see in myself.
Melissa and I have been through sin and saved together. We have been through sickness (lots of that) and health together. We have always loved each other and God has always allowed us to do it as unconditionally as possible.
Biologically we aren't related, by law she is my sister, in my heart, she is the baby girl that I still want to love and protect and grow with.
In Christ we are inseparable.
Melissa
I want you and everyone else in the world to know that we were always meant to be best friends. That God's plan was that we would forever and always love each other. That my life would be so different if you had not been stragetically placed in it.
I love you with all of my heart and I praise God that I get to spend another year with you here in this world and forever with you in heaven.
Happy Birthday honey.
K
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Grateful
Today is Thanksgiving. It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. This year I feel incredibly blessed just to have been able to be at home with my family to spend the day with them. I just got out of the hospital, again, on Monday.
This day is a day every year where people list what they are thankful for. Who they are grateful for and list the wonderful things that have happened to them.
My list this year is a little bit different than in years past for me.
I am grateful for my illness. As I sit here and write this, I am surviving Type 1 diabetes, a double organ transplant, infections from a compromised immune system, surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure and I know for sure that in this lifetime my body will need to go through so much more before it finally rests. I'm in pain right now.
I see this illness as something to be grateful for because God doesn't give me more than I can handle and he has always given me the strength to handle whatever comes my way for the last 40 years. I also think that in this life God gives us a choice on how to deal with the struggles of this life.
Many times I have relied on myself and I was strong enough at the time to get through, God built me strong to begin with. But now, I rely on God and his wisdom. Now I don't know how else to make it through.
I don't know why these things happen to me. I don't know what else is to come. But I do know that I will survive in the arms and the love of my God.
My illness has humbled me. It has filled me with love. It has grown my compassion. It has allowed me to be hurt over and over again by my own sin and other's sin and still keep going.
It has made me so incredibly weak so that God's amazing strength can be seen.
Person after person has said to me how do you do it? How can you possibly see this as a postive thing? How do you smile and laugh and continue the joy that you have in your life when you are going through so much? When you may have to face worse?
That answer is easy. It glorifies God every time I say that it's not me healing myself over and over. It's not me that has the strength to face whatever comes. It's not me that smiles at the nurses and doctors every time there is bad news, even if through tears.
It is God. It is Christ. It is the Holy Spirit that resides inside me that laughs, that makes jokes about my illness, that continues to face the world with joy. Through me and every person that God touches with the Holy Spirit there is a strength, a love, a beautiful thing that happens where God takes tragic circumstances and pours love into them.
A woman at the hospital this time came to talk to me before they discharged me and told me that sick as I was I had a smile on my face and a light in my eyes. I told her it was God.
She looked me straight in the face and told me that she knew that just by talking to me.
That is why this illness is something that I am grateful for. It allows God to shine, even if people don't realize that it's him, it gives me the opportunity to tell them what he has done for me and keeps doing for me.
And because I will not be here forever, there is an urgency to me talking to people about God that I just wouldn't have if I didn't know that my time here is not guaranteed and could be taken at any moment.
I have freedom to love my God openly and unashamed without worrying about what others will think because of this illness.
And I praise God for that freedom and all the other freedoms that he has given to me. I praise him for this illness. Thank you God for allowing my weakness so that I can see my need for you and rejoice in it.
K
This day is a day every year where people list what they are thankful for. Who they are grateful for and list the wonderful things that have happened to them.
My list this year is a little bit different than in years past for me.
I am grateful for my illness. As I sit here and write this, I am surviving Type 1 diabetes, a double organ transplant, infections from a compromised immune system, surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure and I know for sure that in this lifetime my body will need to go through so much more before it finally rests. I'm in pain right now.
I see this illness as something to be grateful for because God doesn't give me more than I can handle and he has always given me the strength to handle whatever comes my way for the last 40 years. I also think that in this life God gives us a choice on how to deal with the struggles of this life.
Many times I have relied on myself and I was strong enough at the time to get through, God built me strong to begin with. But now, I rely on God and his wisdom. Now I don't know how else to make it through.
I don't know why these things happen to me. I don't know what else is to come. But I do know that I will survive in the arms and the love of my God.
My illness has humbled me. It has filled me with love. It has grown my compassion. It has allowed me to be hurt over and over again by my own sin and other's sin and still keep going.
It has made me so incredibly weak so that God's amazing strength can be seen.
Person after person has said to me how do you do it? How can you possibly see this as a postive thing? How do you smile and laugh and continue the joy that you have in your life when you are going through so much? When you may have to face worse?
That answer is easy. It glorifies God every time I say that it's not me healing myself over and over. It's not me that has the strength to face whatever comes. It's not me that smiles at the nurses and doctors every time there is bad news, even if through tears.
It is God. It is Christ. It is the Holy Spirit that resides inside me that laughs, that makes jokes about my illness, that continues to face the world with joy. Through me and every person that God touches with the Holy Spirit there is a strength, a love, a beautiful thing that happens where God takes tragic circumstances and pours love into them.
A woman at the hospital this time came to talk to me before they discharged me and told me that sick as I was I had a smile on my face and a light in my eyes. I told her it was God.
She looked me straight in the face and told me that she knew that just by talking to me.
That is why this illness is something that I am grateful for. It allows God to shine, even if people don't realize that it's him, it gives me the opportunity to tell them what he has done for me and keeps doing for me.
And because I will not be here forever, there is an urgency to me talking to people about God that I just wouldn't have if I didn't know that my time here is not guaranteed and could be taken at any moment.
I have freedom to love my God openly and unashamed without worrying about what others will think because of this illness.
And I praise God for that freedom and all the other freedoms that he has given to me. I praise him for this illness. Thank you God for allowing my weakness so that I can see my need for you and rejoice in it.
K
Monday, November 5, 2012
The poetry of illness
It started as a disease
Something that I refused to let define me even as a child.
I was different but I thrived on being different.
I was young and didn’t know any better
I would survive
I was smart, and funny, and sweet and 8 years old.
In my innocence I believed that I would always have a handle
on it
When I got older I realized freedom that I didn’t know would
hurt me
I did things to and with my body because I thought that I
was invincible
That I would blow past it and keep going
I would survive
I was fun, and free, and wild and 22 years old
However genetics were not on my side
Years later I would come to find out that the disease had
produced a side effect
Another disease that would be the beginning of many others
That would be a reality check for a while
I would survive
I was strong, and determined, and a fighter and 31 years old
This would be the true beginning of the pain
I refused, as usual to let it change me into what I didn’t
want to be
Life changes with or without your consent and mine did
exactly that
Time and time again
I wasn’t sure that I would survive
I was sick, and abandoned, and scared and 35 years old
The fighter kept going and fought
Major surgery taught me about true weakness
Something that I
don’t think that I had ever truly understood
I sat and cried as others cleaned my house and gave so much
of themselves for me
I almost didn’t survive
I was weak, and humbled, and changed at 37 years old
With the love of my friends and family
I finally believed it was the year of new beginnings
A new body, husband, son, house, and relationship with God
I was blessed, and loved, and new and 38 years old.
I knew for sure that I was going to survive
Now I look at the differences along the way
And realize that all along there was a plan
I started out young and hopeful
I got older and became free
I got even older and found the strength of humanity
As I matured I grew from pain, heartache, and weakness
Now I look back at it all
And laugh
I understand now, that I was never really whole. Until now.
I never really felt love, Until now.
I never knew pain that hurt enough to force me to grow,
Until now.
And this is my life until I leave this earth.
To grow in weakness, show faith in love, show mercy in
sorrow, and grace in pain.
This is the life that was planned for me and as painful as
it still might be sometimes
It is joyful, and amazing, and blessed, and mine to live
Though my smiles are sometimes filled with tears and my
heart sometimes aches in the breaking
I know now that I don’t need to question why, I just need to
trust what comes, good or bad, to make me into who I am meant to be.
Forgiven, and humbled, and loved.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The greatest of these.......
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Even if you aren't a Christian or ever picked up a Bible you know at least part of this scripture from a sign in Hallmark, words spoken at a wedding, or some part of it in a greeting card for a loved one.
Every time I read this, it touches me. I like to think of myself as a loving person, that for so long that my personality has been based in love and that each day my love for God and other people grows. My faith and this scripture tell me that God is a loving, amazing God, that I am loved and that without love that I am nothing. But like a lot of things, I think that human beings tend to read something so many times that it becomes rote, that they start to lose meaning. I words I love you even get used so often that they start to lose their meaning when it's something that we say because we know that we are supposed to, a habit that we have created for the people that we love. When is the last time that I looked at my husband or my child for no reason other than their existance and told them with my whole heart and with tears in my eyes that they are loved? Even more so, when was the last time that I looked at them when I was angry or upset with them and genuinely looked at them with love and said those words? So here is the Kris interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13 that makes it a little bit more personal to me and makes me really think about it instead of just reading it I want to keep using it as the amazing example of love that Christ has already given me.
"If I tell you how beautiful and intelligent and brave and amazing you are, but do not have love, I am only saying what I have said before with empty words that have been said by many others to many others over and over again. 2 If I have the gift of knowing you so well that I usually can predict how you will react and can figure out situations and learn from everything that goes on around me, and if I have a faith that shows how Godly and blessed I am, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I emptied my bank account and sold my house and everything in it and gave it all away to people who needed it way more than I ever did, and talk like my body isn't that big of a deal when it's a ridiculous mess of pain and illness, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love doesn't snap at it's husband or child, love doesn't need a reason to help someone. It does not want a better job with more money so that it can have nicer things, it does not brag about how talented it is, it does not hold others to standards other than God's. 5 It does not bring down others to feel better about itself, it is not so selfish that it wants to be better than the person next to it, it is not easily angered, it doesn't list every thing that every person has ever done to them as an excuse to distance itself from them. 6 Love does not delight in hurting others with words and actions, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects others and not itself, always trusts God and not itself, always hopes in the promises of the Word, always perseveres because it has been given the blessing of the presence of God.
8 Love never fails. But where I think I know better than others, this will cease; where I talk like I know what I'm talking about , I will be stopped; where I think that I am so smart, it will fade away. 9 For we know from our experiences and we can see our future in part, 10 but when God's completeness comes, what I think I know will mean nothing. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, in God's eyes I am still a child. And only when I became a part of God's kingdom did I even start to become the person that God had planned me to be. 12 For now we see only what we choose to and what God reveals to us; then we will see all of God's truth. Now I know myself in part; then God will show me myself fully, God created me and has always known who I am and who I will become..
13 And now these three remain: faith in Christ, hope in His promises through his Word and the love that I couldn't have without my God. But the greatest of these is love that comes from God that he allows me to share with others."
K
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