When did I become this person?

There are moments in life when you look around and wonder how you got there.

It happened to me when I got sick as a child and I couldn't understand why everyone else was so afraid. 
It happened when I fell in love for the first time and months later got kicked to the curb.
It happened when I figured out how intelligent God made me.
It happened when I also figured out that emotionally I picked up on things incredibly quickly.
It happens quite honestly a lot.

As I got older, I looked around and wondered how people could do certain things without the emotional pain that I felt when I watched them do them.  I wasn't even involved but somehow I knew that certain buttons were pushed and emotions would happen. This isn't and wasn't something to brag about.  It hurts and it can be a heavy load carrying around your own feelings and the many feelings that others have around you.

I could see when someone was out of control angry, I could see when someone was incredibly hurt, and I could see when silence wasn't comfortable or when someone couldn't process their own feelings.

When I was younger, I hated this ability.  I would lash out with my own feelings to just get people to stay away from me so that I didn't absorb theirs.
As I got older I used the ability to control people's feelings and either use or hurt them.
Now, I realize that this is a gift to help people and to show compassion and love to people who have a hard time accepting it.  And I give it whether they accept it or not.

This is not always easy.  Sometimes my feelings lead me to places that I need to turn around and smartly walk away from, sometimes my feeling are hurt by the same thing over and over again, and sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I have to shut myself away so that I don't almost literally have my head explode.

It's taken years to understand, and I still don't quite have it down.  Especially when it comes to figuring out my own feelings from someone else's.  It's incredibly easy for me to feel someone else's pain, or fear, or intensity and make it my own, until I realize that it's not.  But I do have a barometer, I do have the Holy Spirit to take a step back from all of these feelings and remind me that my heart can be deceitful, and sometimes other people's hearts can be too.

I use the standards in the Bible to set boundaries in my life not just because it is the living and active word of God, but also because it allows me to see the person that I am, the person that God intended me to be and not the person who constantly steps back and says "when did I become this person?"

I have spent so much time and energy pushing to understand the feelings and thoughts of others because it is a gift, and God intends for me to use it for His purpose.  However, there are many times where it can hurt me and others if not kept within the boundaries that He set.  It has always been very hard to control and sometimes my feelings or other people's can sweep me away.

But I hold fast to the rock steady rhythm of the pulse of God that runs through me, I pray for the ability to see past my heart, feelings and my own thoughts and others to what amazing things are in store for me and the people that I love.  I remember that all of the good that comes from those feelings and the growth from the not so good feelings serve a purpose for someone, even if not for me.

So when did I become THIS person?  The minute that I said yes to Christ and all the goodness that he has given me.  Every day I wake up and make mistakes and mess up because that is what we all do.  But every day I have the chance to make choices to honor God, to honor those around me and to love them and their feelings regardless of what they are.  I hope that I keep on growing to become a better person, regardless of situations, circumstances, or pain.

There are plans for me, and for you, even if we don't yet know where we are being lead.  I now realize that every day I should be asking "when did I become this person?" so that I can remember the amazing path that I took to get here.

That place between black and white

Typically I post on my blog about the positive side of things, or the negative but with the perspective of a woman who is very much loved by God and has the strength through him to live through and survive anything.

My whole life has been a series of decisions that for me were always so black and white, or so I thought.  When I look back now, and even in times now I see how I can take something incredibly simple and make it incredibly complicated.  Sometimes the black and white that I see isn't just tinged in gray, it is submersed in gray.  I used to think that this was a bad thing, that gray areas couldn't be possible because black and white to me were the same as right and wrong.

Let's face it; I don't like to be wrong.

And yet, the older that I get, the more that I see the need for black, white, and gray.  Translation, right, wrong, and compromise.

Don't get me wrong, God's word is always right. That isn't a part of this discussion, it's just the truth.  And the majority of the times, most people know the other sides of that coin, we all have a conscience that tells us when things are wrong, that is God given as well.

But that gray area sometimes gets a bad rap.  Many people, me included can see the in-between places not just as scary but as a copout zone.  And in certain cases that is absolutely true, when we make excuses instead of being accountable, when we won't take a side because we are afraid of judgment or of someone not liking us.

But when you look more closely at parts of the gray area of life, this is where compromise is born, and compromise in relationships, in love, in life, in understanding is absolutely necessary.

The gray area is also where grace resides, where we show love to each other when we make a mistake, where we are given permission by God to forgive ourselves because he has already forgiven us. Where Godly sorrow takes us to a place where we can change instead of feeling guilty, where grace resides and pride is put away.

I think that if you see everything in black and white you can sometimes get stuck there.  That suddenly instead of seeing a mistake you see someone's flaws so clearly that love and compassion no longer exist.  Sometimes we forget that we've been given the gift of love, caring, and relationships with so many amazing people and instead of showing that vulnerable part of our heart, we judge. 

We judge ourselves, others, situations, and anyone else that doesn't agree with our belief or who doesn't see the world as we do.

I think that some of my best moments in life were when I surrendered to the gray, when I surrendered to pure unadulterated love, when I allowed myself to be filled to the brim with compassion for someone I didn't even like.

Life surprises you sometimes by growing you in confusion and helping you to find exactly what you were meant to in that moment.

Black and white are necessary, as are right and wrong and knowing the difference, but real life and real experiences, and real growth happen within the gray where you don't really know what to do, but you trust God to show you.



K

 

I love my husband

Every person that I know that is married goes through phases in their marriage.  Sometimes its the my spouse is so amazing I can't stand how much I love this person, sometimes its the I'm going to give them what they want to that they will stop bugging me, sometimes its the we need to give each other space so that the hurt can lessen so that we can talk about it phase.
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward.  For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work.  It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be  not who you want them to be.  Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it.  It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap.  Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes.  Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like.  These things are what we do out of love for our spouse.  Marriage is about commitment.  Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose.  Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse.  I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:

He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad.  He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.

I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him.  What is the special celebration?  Why post this now?  Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be.  And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.

I love you Eric.

K

Choices

Proverbs 8 has always been one of my favorite things to read, especially when I am in the middle of making a decision between right and wrong, a choice that could really change my life for better or worse, mainly because the entire thing is about wisdom, God's and not mine, and it reminds me every time that everything I need to know, all that God is trying to protect me from and encourage me to choose is there if I chose to hear it.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
    Does not understanding raise her voice?
² At the highest point along the way,
    where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
³ beside the gate leading into the city,
    at the entrance, she cries aloud:
⁴ “To you, O people, I call out;
    I raise my voice to all mankind.
⁵ You who are simple, gain prudence;
    you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.^[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
    I open my lips to speak what is right.
⁷ My mouth speaks what is true,
    for my lips detest wickedness.
⁸ All the words of my mouth are just;
    none of them is crooked or perverse.
⁹ To the discerning all of them are right;
    they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
¹⁰ Choose my instruction instead of silver,
    knowledge rather than choice gold,
¹¹ for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
    and nothing you desire can compare with her.

¹² “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
    I possess knowledge and discretion.
¹³ To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
    I hate pride and arrogance,
    evil behavior and perverse speech.
¹⁴ Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
    I have insight, I have power.
¹⁵ By me kings reign
    and rulers issue decrees that are just;
¹⁶ by me princes govern,
    and nobles—all who rule on earth.^[b]
17 I love those who love me,
    and those who seek me find me.
¹⁸ With me are riches and honor,
    enduring wealth and prosperity.
¹⁹ My fruit is better than fine gold;
    what I yield surpasses choice silver.
²⁰ I walk in the way of righteousness,
    along the paths of justice,
²¹ bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
    and making their treasuries full.

²² “The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,^[c][d]
    before his deeds of old;
²³ I was formed long ages ago,
    at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
²⁴ When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
    when there were no springs overflowing with water;
²⁵ before the mountains were settled in place,
    before the hills, I was given birth,
²⁶ before he made the world or its fields
    or any of the dust of the earth.
²⁷ I was there when he set the heavens in place,
    when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
²⁸ when he established the clouds above
    and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
²⁹ when he gave the sea its boundary
    so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
³⁰     Then I was constantly^[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
    rejoicing always in his presence,
³¹ rejoicing in his whole world
    and delighting in mankind.

³² “Now then, my children, listen to me;
    blessed are those who keep my ways.
³³ Listen to my instruction and be wise;
    do not disregard it.
³⁴ Blessed are those who listen to me,
    watching daily at my doors,
    waiting at my doorway.
³⁵ For those who find me find life
    and receive favor from the Lord.
³⁶ But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
    all who hate me love death.

 

One of the reasons I love to read this is because it is the most beautiful description of what the wisdom in my life should look like.  That the choices that I make influence the person that I am and the person I will become.  That things that seem like a big deal, don't really have to be, they are much more simple than I like to make them.  That sometimes the small choices that I make are full of meaning, to love when someone is unlovable.  To set boundaries when something will not be to God's glory, to show my husband respect.  How to be wise with my words, my actions, my silence.  How to look at a situation and see it as I should and not how I want to. To be grateful for the ability to choose wisdom.

Because let's face it, in this life you make choice after choice after choice.  You won't always make the right one, and sometimes you won't want to make the right one.  But regardless, wisdom is there if you look for it, search it out, or even just read Proverbs 8.  The amazing thing about choices is that we have them.  That we can choose to use them as we wish, we can overcome the most amazing things if we chose light over darkness, if we decide to use the choices that we are given to better the lives of others, to make ourselves into the creatures we are capable of being, and to even in small ways affect other people and situations.

Wisdom is an amazing thing, it out weighs feelings, attitudes, and perspective. When used it can change a world that is hurting, or just a person that needs to hear the love and truth within it.

I pray for the wisdom described above, and that I choose to use it to the purpose God has set me to, regardless of what that might mean for me.  I wish that wisdom for you as well.

In love,

 

K

Intent and the Heart

What I find at the age of 41 and the spiritual age of 2 and a half is that it isn't the big things that throw off my way of thinking or the intentions of my heart. It's the little ones. Throw chronic illness, and emotional trauma my way and I can handle it with God's help. I pray, I surrender the whole thing right over to God. I don't think twice, I know that the big stuff I just can't handle on my own.

But the little stuff. Wow. It gets me every time. Someone slamming a door in my face. Someone telling me that I'm not smart enough. My son preferring his TV to spending time with me. My husband not telling me that he loves me for two days.

None of these things reflect truth in reality. I know that someone would not purposefully slam a door in my face. I know that I've been blessed with intelligence (if not always common sense), I know that my son loves me but it's not really cool to hang out with your mom at 15, and I know with every ounce of my being that my husband loves me more and more every day and will be with me in the world until the day that one of us doesn't live here any longer.

But that heart of mine just doesn't want to believe it.

The intention of my heart is always to serve God, to put others before myself, to live a pure and righteous life. But my heart deceives me every time and being a highly emotional person that can be a destructive force in my life. I want to love unconditionally, but I've certainly got a lot to learn about it. I want to give my everything to God's purpose but trusting God's plan for me is so hard. I am a show it to me kind of girl, which makes faith and trust a hard thing in all parts of my life.

One word. That is all it takes. One word.

That word can lift me up for hours or cast me down for days depending on what it is. So when I say the small stuff, apparently they are so small to me.

I am learning not to define my security or myself by what other people think, but when you love people with your whole heart and soul it's so hard to not do that.

Being vulnerable means getting hurt and getting hurt is not a fun thing.

I read an article today about a man pursuing God in his life and he had this to say:

"So it happened. In a moment of quiet, I experienced God.

The Divine exists as an infinite ocean of energy, an expanse of pure golden light so brilliant that it almost appears white. The love that was emanating and pulsating was so encompassing that language cannot adequately describe it. In fact my mind was too limited to understand. Yet my heart was infinitely expansive enough to feel it all. This energy is free of judgment and expectation, fully encompassing and embracing of all that is, and unconditional in its expression. There are no checklists, rules, or criteria to which one must conform. My life, my perceived mistakes, misfires and shortfalls were enough. I was enough. In fact, I was perfect."

I have experienced this exact feeling, and yet........

In my heart and my head on a daily basis I feel so far from perfect. I beat myself up. I tear myself down, and I let others do it too. My heart takes quite a beating. But this thought that I am loved exactly as I am that I am ENOUGH. That I am PERFECT in God's eyes just made me sob.

I just can't understand what he sees, because I can't yet see it. But that doesn't mean that I won't. God will reveal my perfection as I grow in this life, through loving people, through giving, through allowing others to love me. By experiencing pain, and sorrow. But that thought of how God sees me will see me through I don't have to believe that he loves me that much it's just true.

So when I am struggling with the intentions of my heart, I will look to the love that is given to me, fill myself up on it and go on in joy. I was not promised a life without suffering, but I was also promised a life of love.
Praise God for showing me exactly what my heart needs to know.

K

 

Love in two perspectives, Two halves of Kris

Often I am ruled by my emotions.  Completely and utterly.  My heart provides me immense joy and passion and it provides me utter despair and pain.  The gift of my intelligence and the spark of my personality are often the destructive forces to my sanity.
Commitment is a word used with disdain and a concept that many laugh at especially when it comes to love.  I take it so seriously that I lose myself sometimes in putting forth the effort it requires. Part of me is angry that I love so much I give my all and the other part is ashamed to only give some and not all.
I have never been a person that set boundries well.  I have always given and given until it hurt.

Then one day I stopped.  I started a new phase of my life where I stood for myself alone. I listened to only my own thoughts and opinions and I went and did only what I thought was right.  I had no standard but my own and my standard was full of selfishness, pride, immediate gratification, and self satisfaction.  Only now do I look back and realize that I built that world of my own for protection from pain, to toughen myself up to the point of not caring, to stop the hurt.  Honestly to just be left alone.  Lonliness was easier than pain.

Only as I have gotten older, as I have started my relationship with God have I looked into why my innocent young self gave so much to people.  Because that is how I was supposed to be.  I was built to give, I was built to love, and God gave me strength to survive that love.
Strange I know that I would use the word survive in the same sentence as the word love, but that is sometimes what I do in my relationships with those I love most, I survive.

Love is a risk, not a calculated and thought out risk, a dive in and thrive, throw caution to the wind, commit and don't look back affair.  Love is amazing and wonderful but it contains the ability to tear you to pieces.  The question is, how do you put yourself back together after it does?  By hiding, building a wall, staying away from relationships because they force you to grow, to expand, to build more love?
Or do you suffer and in your suffering become more aware of your capacity to love?  Do you look to God and ask him to fill you back up when you are empty?  Do you take your feelings about love and set them aside so that you can begin to actually experience love again?
Do you study out love?  Do you study the people that you love to love them better? Do you love without regard as to how it is taken or how you may be hurt?
Do you love only those that you deem lovable, or do you push and stretch yourself to love those that you can't stand to be around?

For me love has always been an all in concept.  A commitment. Til death do us part not just in marriage but in friendship and family relationships as well. I thought that I was strange to want to love this way, I thought that love being hard was a reflection of my failure and not a reflection of my success.  I was wrong. 
My ability to continue to be hurt because I want love that is real, and true, and sacred is the love that will carry my through this life.  My heart being vulnerable will cause me to struggle endlessly, but it will also allow me to love in ways that I never thought possible and experience joy that does not end.  Getting my feelings hurt strengthens me but not in the way that I originally intended, not to be strong and carry on, but to be weak and allow God to carry me on.

The hurt heart of Kris is the best one, because it keeps going along and hurting but learning and growing and expanding in the process allowing it to love more deeply.  Those moments of clarity about love and how right it is to keep loving can be few and far between in this world.  Praise God this is not the only world I will live in and that this world is not my forever home.  This world is where I practice loving so that as I get better and better at it God will fill me with more and more to share and give to others.
Amen for when that day comes.  It's closer and closer every moment.  I am more and more loved every second.  I am less and less scared all the time.

Kris

What is love?

I have a multitude of friends from different walks of life, different backgrounds, different personalities, and different religions. I have friends that are 16 years old and friends that are in their seventies. I have friends that have different political beliefs, different societal beliefs and different thought processes. The one thing that every one of my friends has in common is that they all believe in love.

Now when I say that they believe in love that doesn't just mean the amazing, gooey, wonderful stuff. It also means the heart wrenching, hurts so much I'm not so sure I'm going to make it kind.

I believe in the sanctity of love, some people will read that and equate it with marriage, I do too, but when I talk about the sanctity of love, marriage is not the only thing that comes to mind. My love for God, my love for my son, my love of the people in my life that not only comfort me but challenge me, those things come to mind too.

Love is directly related to truth for me, and at the same time I can't believe that love isn't something completely supernatural. Unconditional love is something that I strive for every day but isn't something that I am always successful at.

It's so easy to "fall in love", or say that you love someone or something. This at times makes love not as magical or amazing as it is meant to be. This is something that I utterly adore about my husband. He only says those words when he really means it. Not because I said it first, not because I need to hear it but because he genuinely means it, which makes it that much more special.

I think that we all equate words with love, and of course words can convey love. So can silence, so can holding hands, so can acts of kindness that you weren't expecting. A friend who always shows up, a person that tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want. Someone who loves you enough to see that you could be hurting yourself and others with your words or actions and tells you so.

All people see love differently. All people need it. Writers and artists and philosophers have used it as a subject for years. Hollywood movies use it as a continual subject. But most times it's about the fun falling in love part, or the passionate painful love, very rarely is it about the enduring, tenderness that transcends all else and overcomes the worst of fates and circumstances.

Very few times is agape love (unconditional love) talked about. Love is not just good feelings and hugs. Love is messy, and dirty, and scary, and hard. Love is completely worth it.

Without love (and for me the love of God that fills me), I am a shell. I am faking it through life to always find the elusive love that I need instead of seeing it in the people around me without Him.

I once had a friend that I used to sit and talk to at a coffee shop in downtown Pittsburgh. We used to sit in the window seat and people watch to find everything wrong with the people that walked by, it was easy. Then one day we decided to change the game, we started looking for things that we liked about each person. That took some creative effort, it started with shallow things like people's shoes and ended up being things like "I love that she's lifting her face into the sun, she's beautiful when she does that". The point being that it's easier sometimes not to love than to see the heart and soul of another human being.

People think that love is subjective, that they get to pick and choose who they get to love and bestow their gift on. But I don't believe that. I think that loving another person, be it your best friend or the stranger that you held the door open for is why we are here. That if we are filled to the brim with love then we can't help but share it.

God specifically made me who I am to love every other person that I could reach. Not only to make sure that they knew that I loved them, but more so that he loves them. My sole purpose in love is to reflect the amazing love that I was made with, that gets me through my days and that is a direct reflection from the one true God that is the source of it.

Amen for the love in your life. I hope that in some small way I add to it.

K