Every person that I know that is married goes through phases in their marriage. Sometimes its the my spouse is so amazing I can't stand how much I love this person, sometimes its the I'm going to give them what they want to that they will stop bugging me, sometimes its the we need to give each other space so that the hurt can lessen so that we can talk about it phase.
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward. For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work. It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be not who you want them to be. Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it. It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap. Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes. Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like. These things are what we do out of love for our spouse. Marriage is about commitment. Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose. Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse. I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:
He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad. He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.
I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him. What is the special celebration? Why post this now? Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be. And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.
I love you Eric.
K
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Choices
Proverbs 8 has always been one of my favorite things to read, especially when I am in the middle of making a decision between right and wrong, a choice that could really change my life for better or worse, mainly because the entire thing is about wisdom, God's and not mine, and it reminds me every time that everything I need to know, all that God is trying to protect me from and encourage me to choose is there if I chose to hear it.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
2 At the highest point along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
3 beside the gate leading into the city,
at the entrance, she cries aloud:
4 “To you, O people, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
5 You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
7 My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
9 To the discerning all of them are right;
they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
10 Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
2 At the highest point along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
3 beside the gate leading into the city,
at the entrance, she cries aloud:
4 “To you, O people, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
5 You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
7 My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
9 To the discerning all of them are right;
they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
10 Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
12 “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have insight, I have power.
15 By me kings reign
and rulers issue decrees that are just;
16 by me princes govern,
and nobles—all who rule on earth.[b]
17 I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
18 With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
19 My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
20 I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
21 bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
I possess knowledge and discretion.
13 To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have insight, I have power.
15 By me kings reign
and rulers issue decrees that are just;
16 by me princes govern,
and nobles—all who rule on earth.[b]
17 I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
18 With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
19 My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
20 I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
21 bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
22 “The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,[c][d]
before his deeds of old;
23 I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
24 When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
when there were no springs overflowing with water;
25 before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
26 before he made the world or its fields
or any of the dust of the earth.
27 I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
28 when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
29 when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
30 Then I was constantly[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
before his deeds of old;
23 I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
24 When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
when there were no springs overflowing with water;
25 before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
26 before he made the world or its fields
or any of the dust of the earth.
27 I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
28 when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
29 when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
30 Then I was constantly[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
32 “Now then, my children, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.
34 Blessed are those who listen to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
35 For those who find me find life
and receive favor from the Lord.
36 But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
all who hate me love death.
blessed are those who keep my ways.
33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.
34 Blessed are those who listen to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
35 For those who find me find life
and receive favor from the Lord.
36 But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
all who hate me love death.
One of the reasons I love to read this is because it is the most beautiful description of what the wisdom in my life should look like. That the choices that I make influence the person that I am and the person I will become. That things that seem like a big deal, don't really have to be, they are much more simple than I like to make them. That sometimes the small choices that I make are full of meaning, to love when someone is unlovable. To set boundaries when something will not be to God's glory, to show my husband respect. How to be wise with my words, my actions, my silence. How to look at a situation and see it as I should and not how I want to. To be grateful for the ability to choose wisdom.
Because let's face it, in this life you make choice after choice after choice. You won't always make the right one, and sometimes you won't want to make the right one. But regardless, wisdom is there if you look for it, search it out, or even just read Proverbs 8. The amazing thing about choices is that we have them. That we can choose to use them as we wish, we can overcome the most amazing things if we chose light over darkness, if we decide to use the choices that we are given to better the lives of others, to make ourselves into the creatures we are capable of being, and to even in small ways affect other people and situations.
Wisdom is an amazing thing, it out weighs feelings, attitudes, and perspective. When used it can change a world that is hurting, or just a person that needs to hear the love and truth within it.
I pray for the wisdom described above, and that I choose to use it to the purpose God has set me to, regardless of what that might mean for me. I wish that wisdom for you as well.
In love,
K
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Intent and the Heart
What I find at the age of 41 and the spiritual age of 2 and a half is that it isn't the big things that throw off my way of thinking or the intentions of my heart. It's the little ones. Throw chronic illness, and emotional trauma my way and I can handle it with God's help. I pray, I surrender the whole thing right over to God. I don't think twice, I know that the big stuff I just can't handle on my own.
But the little stuff. Wow. It gets me every time. Someone slamming a door in my face. Someone telling me that I'm not smart enough. My son preferring his TV to spending time with me. My husband not telling me that he loves me for two days.
None of these things reflect truth in reality. I know that someone would not purposefully slam a door in my face. I know that I've been blessed with intelligence (if not always common sense), I know that my son loves me but it's not really cool to hang out with your mom at 15, and I know with every ounce of my being that my husband loves me more and more every day and will be with me in the world until the day that one of us doesn't live here any longer.
But that heart of mine just doesn't want to believe it.
The intention of my heart is always to serve God, to put others before myself, to live a pure and righteous life. But my heart deceives me every time and being a highly emotional person that can be a destructive force in my life. I want to love unconditionally, but I've certainly got a lot to learn about it. I want to give my everything to God's purpose but trusting God's plan for me is so hard. I am a show it to me kind of girl, which makes faith and trust a hard thing in all parts of my life.
One word. That is all it takes. One word.
That word can lift me up for hours or cast me down for days depending on what it is. So when I say the small stuff, apparently they are so small to me.
I am learning not to define my security or myself by what other people think, but when you love people with your whole heart and soul it's so hard to not do that.
Being vulnerable means getting hurt and getting hurt is not a fun thing.
I read an article today about a man pursuing God in his life and he had this to say:
"So it happened. In a moment of quiet, I experienced God.
The Divine exists as an infinite ocean of energy, an expanse of pure golden light so brilliant that it almost appears white. The love that was emanating and pulsating was so encompassing that language cannot adequately describe it. In fact my mind was too limited to understand. Yet my heart was infinitely expansive enough to feel it all. This energy is free of judgment and expectation, fully encompassing and embracing of all that is, and unconditional in its expression. There are no checklists, rules, or criteria to which one must conform. My life, my perceived mistakes, misfires and shortfalls were enough. I was enough. In fact, I was perfect."
I have experienced this exact feeling, and yet........
In my heart and my head on a daily basis I feel so far from perfect. I beat myself up. I tear myself down, and I let others do it too. My heart takes quite a beating. But this thought that I am loved exactly as I am that I am ENOUGH. That I am PERFECT in God's eyes just made me sob.
I just can't understand what he sees, because I can't yet see it. But that doesn't mean that I won't. God will reveal my perfection as I grow in this life, through loving people, through giving, through allowing others to love me. By experiencing pain, and sorrow. But that thought of how God sees me will see me through I don't have to believe that he loves me that much it's just true.
So when I am struggling with the intentions of my heart, I will look to the love that is given to me, fill myself up on it and go on in joy. I was not promised a life without suffering, but I was also promised a life of love.
Praise God for showing me exactly what my heart needs to know.
K
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Love in two perspectives, Two halves of Kris
Often I am ruled by my emotions. Completely and utterly. My heart provides me immense joy and passion and it provides me utter despair and pain. The gift of my intelligence and the spark of my personality are often the destructive forces to my sanity.
Commitment is a word used with disdain and a concept that many laugh at especially when it comes to love. I take it so seriously that I lose myself sometimes in putting forth the effort it requires. Part of me is angry that I love so much I give my all and the other part is ashamed to only give some and not all.
I have never been a person that set boundries well. I have always given and given until it hurt.
Then one day I stopped. I started a new phase of my life where I stood for myself alone. I listened to only my own thoughts and opinions and I went and did only what I thought was right. I had no standard but my own and my standard was full of selfishness, pride, immediate gratification, and self satisfaction. Only now do I look back and realize that I built that world of my own for protection from pain, to toughen myself up to the point of not caring, to stop the hurt. Honestly to just be left alone. Lonliness was easier than pain.
Only as I have gotten older, as I have started my relationship with God have I looked into why my innocent young self gave so much to people. Because that is how I was supposed to be. I was built to give, I was built to love, and God gave me strength to survive that love.
Strange I know that I would use the word survive in the same sentence as the word love, but that is sometimes what I do in my relationships with those I love most, I survive.
Love is a risk, not a calculated and thought out risk, a dive in and thrive, throw caution to the wind, commit and don't look back affair. Love is amazing and wonderful but it contains the ability to tear you to pieces. The question is, how do you put yourself back together after it does? By hiding, building a wall, staying away from relationships because they force you to grow, to expand, to build more love?
Or do you suffer and in your suffering become more aware of your capacity to love? Do you look to God and ask him to fill you back up when you are empty? Do you take your feelings about love and set them aside so that you can begin to actually experience love again?
Do you study out love? Do you study the people that you love to love them better? Do you love without regard as to how it is taken or how you may be hurt?
Do you love only those that you deem lovable, or do you push and stretch yourself to love those that you can't stand to be around?
For me love has always been an all in concept. A commitment. Til death do us part not just in marriage but in friendship and family relationships as well. I thought that I was strange to want to love this way, I thought that love being hard was a reflection of my failure and not a reflection of my success. I was wrong.
My ability to continue to be hurt because I want love that is real, and true, and sacred is the love that will carry my through this life. My heart being vulnerable will cause me to struggle endlessly, but it will also allow me to love in ways that I never thought possible and experience joy that does not end. Getting my feelings hurt strengthens me but not in the way that I originally intended, not to be strong and carry on, but to be weak and allow God to carry me on.
The hurt heart of Kris is the best one, because it keeps going along and hurting but learning and growing and expanding in the process allowing it to love more deeply. Those moments of clarity about love and how right it is to keep loving can be few and far between in this world. Praise God this is not the only world I will live in and that this world is not my forever home. This world is where I practice loving so that as I get better and better at it God will fill me with more and more to share and give to others.
Amen for when that day comes. It's closer and closer every moment. I am more and more loved every second. I am less and less scared all the time.
Kris
Commitment is a word used with disdain and a concept that many laugh at especially when it comes to love. I take it so seriously that I lose myself sometimes in putting forth the effort it requires. Part of me is angry that I love so much I give my all and the other part is ashamed to only give some and not all.
I have never been a person that set boundries well. I have always given and given until it hurt.
Then one day I stopped. I started a new phase of my life where I stood for myself alone. I listened to only my own thoughts and opinions and I went and did only what I thought was right. I had no standard but my own and my standard was full of selfishness, pride, immediate gratification, and self satisfaction. Only now do I look back and realize that I built that world of my own for protection from pain, to toughen myself up to the point of not caring, to stop the hurt. Honestly to just be left alone. Lonliness was easier than pain.
Only as I have gotten older, as I have started my relationship with God have I looked into why my innocent young self gave so much to people. Because that is how I was supposed to be. I was built to give, I was built to love, and God gave me strength to survive that love.
Strange I know that I would use the word survive in the same sentence as the word love, but that is sometimes what I do in my relationships with those I love most, I survive.
Love is a risk, not a calculated and thought out risk, a dive in and thrive, throw caution to the wind, commit and don't look back affair. Love is amazing and wonderful but it contains the ability to tear you to pieces. The question is, how do you put yourself back together after it does? By hiding, building a wall, staying away from relationships because they force you to grow, to expand, to build more love?
Or do you suffer and in your suffering become more aware of your capacity to love? Do you look to God and ask him to fill you back up when you are empty? Do you take your feelings about love and set them aside so that you can begin to actually experience love again?
Do you study out love? Do you study the people that you love to love them better? Do you love without regard as to how it is taken or how you may be hurt?
Do you love only those that you deem lovable, or do you push and stretch yourself to love those that you can't stand to be around?
For me love has always been an all in concept. A commitment. Til death do us part not just in marriage but in friendship and family relationships as well. I thought that I was strange to want to love this way, I thought that love being hard was a reflection of my failure and not a reflection of my success. I was wrong.
My ability to continue to be hurt because I want love that is real, and true, and sacred is the love that will carry my through this life. My heart being vulnerable will cause me to struggle endlessly, but it will also allow me to love in ways that I never thought possible and experience joy that does not end. Getting my feelings hurt strengthens me but not in the way that I originally intended, not to be strong and carry on, but to be weak and allow God to carry me on.
The hurt heart of Kris is the best one, because it keeps going along and hurting but learning and growing and expanding in the process allowing it to love more deeply. Those moments of clarity about love and how right it is to keep loving can be few and far between in this world. Praise God this is not the only world I will live in and that this world is not my forever home. This world is where I practice loving so that as I get better and better at it God will fill me with more and more to share and give to others.
Amen for when that day comes. It's closer and closer every moment. I am more and more loved every second. I am less and less scared all the time.
Kris
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
What is love?
I have a multitude of friends from different walks of life, different backgrounds, different personalities, and different religions. I have friends that are 16 years old and friends that are in their seventies. I have friends that have different political beliefs, different societal beliefs and different thought processes. The one thing that every one of my friends has in common is that they all believe in love.
Now when I say that they believe in love that doesn't just mean the amazing, gooey, wonderful stuff. It also means the heart wrenching, hurts so much I'm not so sure I'm going to make it kind.
I believe in the sanctity of love, some people will read that and equate it with marriage, I do too, but when I talk about the sanctity of love, marriage is not the only thing that comes to mind. My love for God, my love for my son, my love of the people in my life that not only comfort me but challenge me, those things come to mind too.
Love is directly related to truth for me, and at the same time I can't believe that love isn't something completely supernatural. Unconditional love is something that I strive for every day but isn't something that I am always successful at.
It's so easy to "fall in love", or say that you love someone or something. This at times makes love not as magical or amazing as it is meant to be. This is something that I utterly adore about my husband. He only says those words when he really means it. Not because I said it first, not because I need to hear it but because he genuinely means it, which makes it that much more special.
I think that we all equate words with love, and of course words can convey love. So can silence, so can holding hands, so can acts of kindness that you weren't expecting. A friend who always shows up, a person that tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want. Someone who loves you enough to see that you could be hurting yourself and others with your words or actions and tells you so.
All people see love differently. All people need it. Writers and artists and philosophers have used it as a subject for years. Hollywood movies use it as a continual subject. But most times it's about the fun falling in love part, or the passionate painful love, very rarely is it about the enduring, tenderness that transcends all else and overcomes the worst of fates and circumstances.
Very few times is agape love (unconditional love) talked about. Love is not just good feelings and hugs. Love is messy, and dirty, and scary, and hard. Love is completely worth it.
Without love (and for me the love of God that fills me), I am a shell. I am faking it through life to always find the elusive love that I need instead of seeing it in the people around me without Him.
I once had a friend that I used to sit and talk to at a coffee shop in downtown Pittsburgh. We used to sit in the window seat and people watch to find everything wrong with the people that walked by, it was easy. Then one day we decided to change the game, we started looking for things that we liked about each person. That took some creative effort, it started with shallow things like people's shoes and ended up being things like "I love that she's lifting her face into the sun, she's beautiful when she does that". The point being that it's easier sometimes not to love than to see the heart and soul of another human being.
People think that love is subjective, that they get to pick and choose who they get to love and bestow their gift on. But I don't believe that. I think that loving another person, be it your best friend or the stranger that you held the door open for is why we are here. That if we are filled to the brim with love then we can't help but share it.
God specifically made me who I am to love every other person that I could reach. Not only to make sure that they knew that I loved them, but more so that he loves them. My sole purpose in love is to reflect the amazing love that I was made with, that gets me through my days and that is a direct reflection from the one true God that is the source of it.
Amen for the love in your life. I hope that in some small way I add to it.
K
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A love like no other
This past week has been a roller coaster ride. It was Easter, my birthday, midterms, family, work, and then I think from pure exhaustion, I got a cold. But wow, this ride has been amazing.
I felt closer to God, my husband, my family, and my friends all at once this week and I am always stunned by the love that God has surrounded me with.
I have never really been a big gift person (don't get me wrong, I don't refuse them). I have always been and continue to be a woman who appreciates someone doing something for me or has genuinely lovely things to say.
For example, my fifteen year old son got up every day except for one over his entire spring break at 6:30am to take out the dog for me because it was my birthday. I could have cried.
My brother, who knows that I have recently grown to love cooking sent me a pressure cooker. It was a gift, but a gift with love and thought and effort.
My friends all wished me a happy birthday on FB, I got cards from family and even one from my mom's best friend that told me that I was her hero because I had been through so much and still abounded in joy. That did make me cry.
I celebrated with lunch with my sister in law, who's birthday is two days before mine.
I had an amazing Easter dinner and birthday cake with my momma and her side of the family.
The list of blessings goes on and on.
But the biggest gift that I got was that my husband and son, my mom and dad (Vince), and my friend Andie came to church to praise God with me. My heart was so full sitting there surrounded by God's love and theirs that I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
Sharing God with the people that I love most is always my favorite thing. It is something that is meant to shared in love. God loves them more than I ever could.
Seeing God touch other people's lives regardless of how small of a difference it may make is always a thrill for me.
Letting God use me to do it is that amazing roller coaster that I was talking about. It takes my breath away.
My life is always busy, it is always moving and changing and expanding and growing and with God at the helm I never know where I am going.
Somehow knowing doesn't seem to matter as much as it used to because every now and then, like on this Easter He allows me a glimpse at His plans. I watch him move people to his purpose, I feel Him move me.
Psalm 119:33-35
- Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end. Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands,for there I find delight.
I delight in God's love and I was blessed to delight in it with so many people that I love on Easter. That really was the best birthday gift ever.
K
I felt closer to God, my husband, my family, and my friends all at once this week and I am always stunned by the love that God has surrounded me with.
I have never really been a big gift person (don't get me wrong, I don't refuse them). I have always been and continue to be a woman who appreciates someone doing something for me or has genuinely lovely things to say.
For example, my fifteen year old son got up every day except for one over his entire spring break at 6:30am to take out the dog for me because it was my birthday. I could have cried.
My brother, who knows that I have recently grown to love cooking sent me a pressure cooker. It was a gift, but a gift with love and thought and effort.
My friends all wished me a happy birthday on FB, I got cards from family and even one from my mom's best friend that told me that I was her hero because I had been through so much and still abounded in joy. That did make me cry.
I celebrated with lunch with my sister in law, who's birthday is two days before mine.
I had an amazing Easter dinner and birthday cake with my momma and her side of the family.
The list of blessings goes on and on.
But the biggest gift that I got was that my husband and son, my mom and dad (Vince), and my friend Andie came to church to praise God with me. My heart was so full sitting there surrounded by God's love and theirs that I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
Sharing God with the people that I love most is always my favorite thing. It is something that is meant to shared in love. God loves them more than I ever could.
Seeing God touch other people's lives regardless of how small of a difference it may make is always a thrill for me.
Letting God use me to do it is that amazing roller coaster that I was talking about. It takes my breath away.
My life is always busy, it is always moving and changing and expanding and growing and with God at the helm I never know where I am going.
Somehow knowing doesn't seem to matter as much as it used to because every now and then, like on this Easter He allows me a glimpse at His plans. I watch him move people to his purpose, I feel Him move me.
Psalm 119:33-35
- Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end. Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands,for there I find delight.
I delight in God's love and I was blessed to delight in it with so many people that I love on Easter. That really was the best birthday gift ever.
K
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Emo Me
I will be the first person to acknowledge that I am emotional, passionate, and that my feelings are and have always been a huge part of me. After all this blog is called fiery redhead life.
It has always been that whatever emotion I felt at the time defined what person I was for those moments that I was feeling that emotion. It took me until I was 40 years old to see how destructive those feelings could be to me, and to the people around me.
You see, I can feel however I want to in any given situation. That is who I am by nature. At the same time my emotions can take over not just my heart, my head, and my logic, but can also expand into my decision making, my mood, and my environment. When that happens, then I am imposing my feelings on everyone around me and that, is not ok.
We live in a world where we are encouraged to be who we are, without question, without accountability, a world where the rules are what we feel is ok for us, and that because the situation, or the feelings, or the opinion is ours, people are to accept it without question.
What I have realized is that my feelings are my own responsibility, that I am accountable for them. an I am allowed to feel how I feel, but I am not allowed to make my feelings and what I want everyone else's priority. When I do that I am selfish, I am prideful, and I am insensitive to the needs of others.
What I have learned is to NOT react immediately to something that happens that makes me sad, or angry, or sick. To NOT judge others because they don't agree with my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. To NOT think that I am allowed (borrowing a friend's terminology here) to vomit my emotions all over someone and expect them to know how to handle that.
I think that there is something to be said for holding my tongue and thinking about what to say before I speak. I think that prayer should occur in my head and my heart before I even open my mouth.
I think that these things are a growth in my character, and helpful in my relationships because then I get to hear, really hear, other people and when I listen intently to their pain or happiness I can better grieve with them or celebrate with them.
My emotions are real, they are genuine, they are honest and open, they are mine. They help to allow me to be full of love, and full of pain, sometimes at the same time. But they can no longer be the barometer by which I measure my happiness, because they change so often and so quickly.
I use a higher standard than my own, one that never fails, one that is perfect. It is the word of God. It allows for my emotions and it allows for my good and bad moods but it also guides me in the way to behave and treat other people when my emotions blind me too much to see what I should be doing to please God, to be Christ like and to put others before myself. Not just some others. All others.
I used to think that I got to pick and choose the people in my life, and to some degree that is true, but if I can look past my own emotions, my own prejudice, my own expectations and see the gifts of the people that God has surrounded me with regardless of how I FEEL about them, I am much better able to love them and allow God to fill me over and over with his love, that which never fails.
Is training myself to tame my emotions to God's purpose easy? Nope. Never will be. But everytime I succeed with God's help it's completely, incredibly, obviously worth it. I love more easily and I am certainly more easy to love.
K
It has always been that whatever emotion I felt at the time defined what person I was for those moments that I was feeling that emotion. It took me until I was 40 years old to see how destructive those feelings could be to me, and to the people around me.
You see, I can feel however I want to in any given situation. That is who I am by nature. At the same time my emotions can take over not just my heart, my head, and my logic, but can also expand into my decision making, my mood, and my environment. When that happens, then I am imposing my feelings on everyone around me and that, is not ok.
We live in a world where we are encouraged to be who we are, without question, without accountability, a world where the rules are what we feel is ok for us, and that because the situation, or the feelings, or the opinion is ours, people are to accept it without question.
What I have realized is that my feelings are my own responsibility, that I am accountable for them. an I am allowed to feel how I feel, but I am not allowed to make my feelings and what I want everyone else's priority. When I do that I am selfish, I am prideful, and I am insensitive to the needs of others.
What I have learned is to NOT react immediately to something that happens that makes me sad, or angry, or sick. To NOT judge others because they don't agree with my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. To NOT think that I am allowed (borrowing a friend's terminology here) to vomit my emotions all over someone and expect them to know how to handle that.
I think that there is something to be said for holding my tongue and thinking about what to say before I speak. I think that prayer should occur in my head and my heart before I even open my mouth.
I think that these things are a growth in my character, and helpful in my relationships because then I get to hear, really hear, other people and when I listen intently to their pain or happiness I can better grieve with them or celebrate with them.
My emotions are real, they are genuine, they are honest and open, they are mine. They help to allow me to be full of love, and full of pain, sometimes at the same time. But they can no longer be the barometer by which I measure my happiness, because they change so often and so quickly.
I use a higher standard than my own, one that never fails, one that is perfect. It is the word of God. It allows for my emotions and it allows for my good and bad moods but it also guides me in the way to behave and treat other people when my emotions blind me too much to see what I should be doing to please God, to be Christ like and to put others before myself. Not just some others. All others.
I used to think that I got to pick and choose the people in my life, and to some degree that is true, but if I can look past my own emotions, my own prejudice, my own expectations and see the gifts of the people that God has surrounded me with regardless of how I FEEL about them, I am much better able to love them and allow God to fill me over and over with his love, that which never fails.
Is training myself to tame my emotions to God's purpose easy? Nope. Never will be. But everytime I succeed with God's help it's completely, incredibly, obviously worth it. I love more easily and I am certainly more easy to love.
K
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