A Blessed Life

Today was the 3 year anniversary of me getting a second chance at life.  On this day 3 years ago I was getting a new kidney and pancreas through transplant.  I was 37 years old and for some reason I was not afraid at all.
Somehow I knew that the surgery was going to change my life forever.  And it did.  As always, God had a plan for my life that I knew nothing about and it was an amazing thing. Three years after the fact I remember less about the hospital and the pain killers that were so strong that I would fall asleep in the middle of conversations.  I remember less about not being able to eat because my new meds made me sick and that my anemia made me depressed for weeks.  I remember less and less about the pain and the suffering that I went through and I remember more and more the person that it turned me into.
You see, in the year 2010 not only did this tranplant save my life, it gave me marriage to the love of my life, a son that I never expected to have as a bonus love in my life, a new home for our family and the truth and love of God.
God has given me so much in the last 3 years to rejoice over I can't count the blessings. 
Of course, being chronically ill isn't all hearts and roses, I have had several hospitalizations with infections, I have had to stay home from work and take IV meds through a picc line for a month, I have had complications, I have had pain, I've had to withdraw from school with only 3 classes left so that I can have surgery.  That same surgery was supposed to happen twice before and didn't because of previously mentioned infections, I have struggled.  I have been frustrated with my body and it's lack of "being able to do what it used to".
At the same time I have become a follower of Christ, which has given me the strength to keep going.  I have deepened my relationship with God, I have fought for a better marriage with my husband, I do my best to love my child unconditionally, I have surrounded myself with people that not only encourage me in my successes but correct me in love when I hurt them, or when I am hurting myself.  I am better able to love.
Today was an amazing day.  I worked, but all in all I woke up to a loving husband that teased and wished me a Happy Wednesday (his way of telling me that he remembered what today was).  I had amazing conversations with several of my friends about their lives and how they were doing, which good or bad always brings me joy.  I was encouraged by a friend at work through email who is a survivor of a different chronic disease that I inspired her because I was so open with my feelings. 
I went to church and stood up to share the good news of today and my evangelist started my good news for me by sharing that it was good that I was back, how grateful I am that he noticed that I hadn't been there.  Then another person stood up to share good news and hers was to lift up a friend of mine Helen and I (Helen has cancer) because she saw us as examples as to how to be faithful to God in times of tribulation and suffering. 
I was so humbled, because any good that I show in my suffering is only because God has instilled it in me, only because he gave me a joyful heart that refuses to give up, only because he surrounded me with people who lift me up instead of knocking me down.
I am filled with gratitude at the end of this day just like all the other days of my life, because every day I wake up to a world where I am never alone.  God holds my hand, or has Eric or someone else do it for him.  That love is neverending and fills me up.
My relationships show me how I am doing in my relationship with God, and today I was encouraged to find out that I am doing better than I thought I was.
Today was an incredibly wonderful day.

James 1:17 - Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

What a gift this life is and though life will change and pain and suffering are a part of that, love will never change.
I love you all.

Kris

Re-Evaluate

I turned 40 this year.  A lot of people look at this time in their lives and think about what they have missed, what they still have left to do,  where they should be in their jobs, their family life, and their growth as a person.
None of this is wrong.  Re-evaluation of where we are as people is a constant thing that we should be doing, but looking at my life through my own eyes only gives me a limited perspective.  If I am only looking at my world using my own standards I'm not opening myself up to the amazing plans that God has for me.
I am a person who has high expectations for myself, sometimes to my own detriment.  I want to be perfect, at everything, and then when I'm not, then I feel I've let myself and others down.  The only thing that I should be worried about is the standards that God asks of me, he is incredibly more forgiving of my flaws than I am.  Probably because he knows them and what I am capable of much better than I ever will.  He created me, he made me beautiful and special and his.
When I mess up he isn't surprised.  When I fall, he knows.  When I fail, he loves me anyway.
God knows that my one and only heart's desire is to live as he wants me to.  And that is an amazing thing.  If you don't have the full picture of God's love and grace then the rules take over and it becomes overwhelming.
But if you look at what God wants, if you do it because you love him it is incredibly easy, although fighting my own doubts get in the way. 
There are a few basic truths, of course this is the Kris simplified version, never doubt that he loves you, he does.  Never doubt that what is happening is for the good (maybe not your personal good, but for the greater good in God's plan).  Follow God's way no matter what and things will always turn out better, for everyone.
If you don't know God's way, then ask, question, study his word and his character to find out what it is.  Talk to someone about it that you know loves God first.  Then live for a while in the way that God asks you to, see if it's not right, see if a burden isn't lifted from your shoulders, see if you don't bask in the love that God has for you and had all along.
I have lived both ways, without God and for the last 2 and some years with him,  life is hard either way, but when you recognize that God is always in your corner, when you look to him and trust, there is nothing like it.
Recently I've been sick.  Actually most of my life I've been sick.  I get asked all the time how I deal with it.  I get asked if I'm angry, and by the world's standards I should be.  But if I take everything as an opportunity to learn, then the titles of good and bad are taken away and everything is just something that I am learning.  It allows a freedom that I wouldn't have otherwise, a wisdom that I would never have on my own, and the ability to make choices with confidence.
If everything that I am is love, is compassion, is giving, then how can I go wrong?  If I choose pain over anger then I'm skipping hurting someone else.  If I surround myself with God's love, then I can't help but surround others with it too.
So my re-evaluation allows me to decide to let go of what I thought I wanted and accept and nurture what God wants for me.  The direction that I thought I was going changes and I start on a new adventure, a life and love without limits becoming the person that God intended me to be all along.
As always, scripture says it best,

Micah 6:8
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

I hope that my re-evaluations of myself using God's standards lead me closer to this every day.

K

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby sister squared

The story of my sister and I goes like this.  Our parents met when I was 14 and she was 5.  I fell in love with my baby sister from the very first time we met and she fell asleep on me in the car.
We grew up in separate houses (her mom married my dad) but when we did see each other I don't really remember anything but joy and wanting to hug and protect her.
When my dad adopted her at 6 years old, I made sure that I was at the courthouse because she was going to be my family too.
I was the big sister that took her to the big city when I was in my twenties and she was a teenager.  We always had lunch at least for her birthday when she was younger.
When she went away to college and became a disciple of Christ, I believed her when she said that she had found her place with God and I saw how mature her decision was even if I didn't understand it.
Melissa met her husband to be and she got married and has two amazing children.  She celebrated her 10 year anniversary this year and I can't tell her how proud I am of her and her role as God's child, wife, mother, sister, and friend.
I have learned so much from my baby sister who grew up in the important ways long before I did.
She showed me God's love, she showed me her commitment to the life that God had chosen for her, and she saw things in me that God revealed to her that I didn't see in myself.
Melissa and I have been through sin and saved together.  We have been through sickness (lots of that) and health together.  We have always loved each other and God has always allowed us to do it as unconditionally as possible.
Biologically we aren't related, by law she is my sister, in my heart, she is the baby girl that I still want to love and protect and grow with.
In Christ we are inseparable.
Melissa
I want you and everyone else in the world to know that we were always meant to be best friends.  That God's plan was that we would forever and always love each other.  That my life would be so different if you had not been stragetically placed in it.
I love you with all of my heart and I praise God that I get to spend another year with you here in this world and forever with you in heaven.
Happy Birthday honey.

K

Grateful

Today is Thanksgiving.  It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  This year I feel incredibly blessed just to have been able to be at home with my family to spend the day with them.  I just got out of the hospital, again, on Monday.
This day is a day every year where people list what they are thankful for. Who they are grateful for and list the wonderful things that have happened to them.
My list this year is a little bit different than in years past for me.
I am grateful for my illness.  As I sit here and write this, I am surviving Type 1 diabetes, a double organ transplant, infections from a compromised immune system,  surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure and I know for sure that in this lifetime my body will need to go through so much more before it finally rests.  I'm in pain right now.
I see this illness as something to be grateful for because God doesn't give me more than I can handle and he has always given me the strength to handle whatever comes my way for the last 40 years.  I also think that in this life God gives us a choice on how to deal with the struggles of this life.
Many times I have relied on myself and I was strong enough at the time to get through, God built me strong to begin with.  But now, I rely on God and his wisdom. Now I don't know how else to make it through.
I don't know why these things happen to me.  I don't know what else is to come.  But I do know that I will survive in the arms and the love of my God.
My illness has humbled me.  It has filled me with love.  It has grown my compassion.  It has allowed me to be hurt over and over again by my own sin and other's sin and still keep going.
It has made me so incredibly weak so that God's amazing strength can be seen.
Person after person has said to me how do you do it?  How can you possibly see this as a postive thing?  How do you smile and laugh and continue the joy that you have in your life when you are going through so much?  When you may have to face worse?
That answer is easy. It glorifies God every time I say that it's not me healing myself over and over.  It's not me that has the strength to face whatever comes.  It's not me that smiles at the nurses and doctors every time there is bad news, even if through tears.
It is God.  It is Christ.  It is the Holy Spirit that resides inside me that laughs, that makes jokes about my illness, that continues to face the world with joy.  Through me and every person that God touches with the Holy Spirit there is a strength, a love, a beautiful thing that happens where God takes tragic circumstances and pours love into them.
A woman at the hospital this time came to talk to me before they discharged me and told me that sick as I was I had a smile on my face and a light in my eyes.  I told her it was God.
She looked me straight in the face and told me that she knew that just by talking to me.
That is why this illness is something that I am grateful for.  It allows God to shine, even if people don't realize that it's him, it gives me the opportunity to tell them what he has done for me and keeps doing for me.
And because I will not be here forever, there is an urgency to me talking to people about God that I just wouldn't have if I didn't know that my time here is not guaranteed and could be taken at any moment.
I have freedom to love my God openly and unashamed without worrying about what others will think because of this illness.
And I praise God for that freedom and all the other freedoms that he has given to me.  I praise him for this illness.  Thank you God for allowing my weakness so that I can see my need for you and rejoice in it.

K

The poetry of illness

It started as a disease

Something that I refused to let define me even as a child.

I was different but I thrived on being different.

I was young and didn’t know any better

I would survive

I was smart, and funny, and sweet and 8 years old.

In my innocence I believed that I would always have a handle on it

 

When I got older I realized freedom that I didn’t know would hurt me

I did things to and with my body because I thought that I was invincible

That I would blow past it and keep going

I would survive

I was fun, and free, and wild and 22 years old

However genetics were not on my side

 

Years later I would come to find out that the disease had produced a side effect

Another disease that would be the beginning of many others

That would be a reality check for a while

I would survive

I was strong, and determined, and a fighter and 31 years old

This would be the true beginning of the pain

 

I refused, as usual to let it change me into what I didn’t want to be

Life changes with or without your consent and mine did exactly that

Time and time again

I wasn’t sure that I would survive

I was sick, and abandoned, and scared and 35 years old

The fighter kept going and fought

 

Major surgery taught me about true weakness

 Something that I don’t think that I had ever truly understood

I sat and cried as others cleaned my house and gave so much of themselves for me

I almost didn’t survive

I was weak, and humbled, and changed at 37 years old

With the love of my friends and family

 

I finally believed it was the year of new beginnings

A new body, husband, son, house, and relationship with God

I was blessed, and loved, and new and 38 years old.

I knew for sure that I was going to survive

Now I look at the differences along the way

And realize that all along there was a plan

 

I started out young and hopeful

I got older and became free

I got even older and found the strength of humanity

As I matured I grew from pain, heartache, and weakness

 

Now I look back at it all

And laugh

I understand now, that I was never really whole.  Until now.

I never really felt love, Until now.

I never knew pain that hurt enough to force me to grow, Until now.

And this is my life until I leave this earth.

To grow in weakness, show faith in love, show mercy in sorrow, and grace in pain.

This is the life that was planned for me and as painful as it still might be sometimes

It is joyful, and amazing, and blessed, and mine to live

 

Though my smiles are sometimes filled with tears and my heart sometimes aches in the breaking

I know now that I don’t need to question why, I just need to trust what comes, good or bad, to make me into who I am meant to be.

Forgiven, and humbled, and loved.

 

 

 

The greatest of these.......

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Even if you aren't a Christian or ever picked up a Bible you know at least part of this scripture from a sign in Hallmark, words spoken at a wedding, or some part of it in a greeting card for a loved one.
Every time I read this, it touches me.  I like to think of myself as a loving person, that for so long that my personality has been based in love and that each day my love for God and other people grows.  My faith and this scripture tell me that God is a loving, amazing God, that I am loved and that without love that I am nothing.  But like a lot of things, I think that human beings tend to read something so many times that it becomes rote, that they start to lose meaning.  I words I love you even get used so often that they start to lose their meaning when it's something that we say because we know that we are supposed to, a habit that we have created for the people that we love.  When is the last time that I looked at my husband  or my child for no reason other than their existance and told them with my whole heart and with tears in my eyes that they are loved?  Even more so, when was the last time that I looked at them when I was angry or upset with them and genuinely looked at them with love and said those words?  So here is the Kris interpretation of 1 Corinthians 13 that makes it a little bit more personal to me and makes me really think about it instead of just reading it I want to keep using it as the amazing example of love that Christ has already given me.

"If I tell you how beautiful and intelligent and brave and amazing you are, but do not have love, I am only saying what I have said before with empty words that have been said by many others to many others over and over again. ² If I have the gift of knowing you so well that I usually can predict how you will react and can figure out situations and learn from everything that goes on around me, and if I have a faith that shows how Godly and blessed I am, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I emptied my bank account and sold my house and everything in it and gave it all away to people who needed it way more than I ever did, and talk like my body isn't that big of a deal when it's a ridiculous mess of pain and illness, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love doesn't snap at it's husband or child, love doesn't need a reason to help someone. It does not want a better job with more money so that it can have nicer things, it does not brag about how talented it is, it does not hold others to standards other than God's. ⁵ It does not bring down others to feel better about itself, it is not so selfish that it wants to be better than the person next to it, it is not easily angered, it doesn't list every thing that every person has ever done to them as an excuse to distance itself from them. ⁶ Love does not delight in hurting others with words and actions, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects others and not itself, always trusts God and not itself, always hopes in the promises of the Word, always perseveres because it has been given the blessing of the presence of God.

⁸ Love never fails. But where I think I know better than others, this will cease; where I talk like I know what I'm talking about , I will be stopped; where I think that I am so smart, it will fade away. ⁹ For we know from our experiences and we can see our future in part, ¹⁰ but when God's completeness comes, what I think I know will mean nothing. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, in God's eyes I am still a child. And only when I became a part of God's kingdom did I even start to become the person that God had planned me to be. ¹² For now we see only what we choose to and what God reveals to us; then we will see all of God's truth. Now I know myself in part; then God will show me myself fully, God created me and has always known who I am and who I will become..

¹³ And now these three remain: faith in Christ, hope in His promises through his Word and the love that I couldn't have without my God. But the greatest of these is love that comes from God that he allows me to share with others."

K

Let me think about it.......

How many times in a day do you hear someone say the words, "I'm not sure, let me think about it"?  I personally have many examples in my life where I've either said those words or I have just avoided the subject completely by promising something that never comes to be.  There are people on both sides of this subject, those that really and truly need to think about what you are asking of them so that they can make an informed decision.  There are also those that say that so that they don't have to tell you that they don't have time, or they really honestly want to but never really get around to doing what you've asked.  I've fallen into both of these categories.....very rarely do I give a distinct yes or a distinct no when someone asks me to do something, because my life is so demanding already.
In our society today it's absolutely wonderful when someone goes and just does something for someone else when they are asked to do it, let alone when they aren't.
There was an amazing story of a man who heard about the lack of kidneys available for transplant for the 3 year waiting list who just walked into a hospital one day and offered his kidney to whomever it matched.  I'm a transplant patient and if I were healthy I don't know if I would even do that.
I'm not saying walk into your local hospital and save someone's life, but it seems to me that we've lost the art of charity.
We write a check and send it to a charity when we are moved by something that someone else is doing, and there is nothing wrong with that, but when was the last time one of us got our hands dirty in an act of charity?
When did we go and pray at a hospital with strangers that didn't have friends or family to be there for their surgery?
When did we offer to work the line in a soup kitchen EVERY Saturday, not just 2 times a year?
When was the last time that we went to a third world country and lived in a cement hut for just a week to help orphans?
Let's get a little bit more personal here,  when was the last time that a friend had a health issue or needed babysitting, or needed money, and you just assumed that someone else would help them take a shower, or watch their kids, or give them twenty dollars? 
When was the last time that you just spent time with someone without having something else planned an hour later so that they have your full attention for as long as they need it?
When is the last time that you stayed at work longer so that someone else could leave early to go and see their family before you did?
You see, my belief is that charity is sacrifice, and if it isn't, then it's not really something that you are giving for the right reason.  Don't get me wrong, we all do what we can, but do we?
When it's inconvenient for us to drive across town to take dinner to a friend, do we still do it?
When we have to look at the ugliness of sick children do we still go and read them stories in the hospital?
When our parents start to get older, because we have kids and our lives are so much busier than theirs, do we still expect them in their 60s and 70s and 80s expect them to come and visit us?
I'm as guilty as the rest.  But I try not to be.  I try very hard to be committed to the things that I devote myself to, and these days I try very hard to not devote myself to everything, but to make the important things count.
We spread ourselves too thin, and then truly we are not useful to anyone.  When was the last time that you sat down and thought about how you were going to spend your free time and it wasn't about you? When was the last time you didn't plan it but you had some free time and went to help someone else?  Unexpected grace is always an amazing thing.  One of my favorite scriptures says it best,  Matthew 5:34-37:³⁴ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. ³⁶ And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. ³⁷ All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. 
So I for one want to cut back on my "let me think about it" statements and leave more free time in my schedule so that my yes is a yes and my no is a no.  I want to truly give and not just phone it in.  I truly hope that I can.

K