Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Fight.
Most of my life I have consistently fought for what I wanted. There are few moments where I can look back and say "Yeah, that was just too hard so I gave up.". I can't think of even once when I backed up from what I was fighting for and decided it wasn't worth it.
Now. That does not mean that I have never been shaken in my perspective. Or that I have never broken down and sobbed in the middle of the fight. I do not claim to be undefeated in my fights, or even closer to winning than losing in most of the battles I have undertaken.
I have screamed in agony and cried in despair. I have beaten my hands on the floor and shaken my fists at the sky.
This is how I have always lived my life. The state of "I just don't care" has never been a comfortable space in my life. I've always been incredibly black and white. I have always had strong beliefs and feelings and I have always believed in expressing them.
The fight and the feelings involved in the passionate existence that I have chosen as my path can encourage someone to pick up and fight themselves or it can be a weapon dipped in my own truth.
Some people fight with compassion, and grace, and take a quieter path than I. It took me a long time to see that sometimes the path of less resistance wasn't giving up, it was stepping back to try again later.
When you fight like I do, sometimes your feelings take over so much that logic and peace and other people's thoughts are overshadowed and forgotten. Sometimes you get so involved in the fight that you forget what you are fighting for. This has happened with me more times than I would like to admit.
But luckily I have been blessed as I've gotten older with something that allows me to clearly remember what I'm fighting for and why it's worth it. To figure out exactly what is worth the fight.
Most times you won't see me trying to fight someone to tell them that they are wrong. You won't see me fighting to make everyone else eat how I do, or believe what I do. You won't see me picketing the White House about global warming, or see me spray painting someone's property because I don't believe in fur (which I don't).
What I fight for is love.
I will every day look at a stranger and smile at them because they look like they need it. I will call a friend that I haven't spoken to in ten years so that I can find out what "really" happened that they posted on Facebook. I will drive across town to take flowers to my best friend who had a bad day. I will go and cry with another friend who just lost a loved family member.
If they tell me not to come, I will show up anyway.
Because my fight is to remember those that are important to me and love them undeniably, to be in their lives and to fight what they have to fight. Be that a health issue, money issues, relationship issues, whatever it may be, it is my fight too.
I think that we as a society have lost our ability, or at least our will to fight for what we want. I think that subjective, objective assessment of whether or not to get involved in another person's life has overshadowed what is really needed, which is to continuously show up with open arms and say "I am here". We are too worried about giving out our time, too worried about getting up for work, too worried about saving our energy for......ourselves.
We've forgotten that the best way to love someone is to show up. To give of ourselves, our energy, our time.
Fighting always seems to get a bad rap. It's usually seen in a bad light. But I will fight to my last breath to make sure that the people in my life know how important they are. I will fight to hug them as they push me away, I will fight to say I love you even when they don't want to hear it.
I am blessed in that this passionate need to love is built in, but equally cursed in that loving that deeply makes me vulnerable, and many times hurt.
But know this:
I will fight with you.
You are never alone.
I love you.
Now go find someone else to fight for.
:)
K
Monday, February 3, 2014
TMI - thoughts about sharing everything
My entire life I have always been an open book. It's always been my default to share whatever happens to be on my mind regardless of what it was or who was hearing it.
Granted in the past 30 years or so society as a whole has encouraged people to share all of their feelings. Especially those that are sad or angry. Because those feelings are better out than in right?
Well, I'm not sure anymore that people should bare all of their souls or at least we should all be picky about whom we share things with. I have this belief for a number of reasons.
I live with and love an introvert. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep for patience because he is very self sufficient I have also learned from him that many of the things that I have always shared of myself are actually very private to him and in keeping his privacy, private, I have learned that I actually prefer that sometimes myself.
Holding things close to my own inner self has also allowed me at times to step back and decide if the feelings that I have in a situation or with a person are worth expressing or if they are a temporary feeling that will fade. I've become a fan of making sure that I want to make a big deal out of something in the moment or if it's something I need to let go.
Expressing who you are should never be a debate, however, I've learned that words don't always do the best job at expression. That hugs, a smile, and nuances of body language and facial expressions are a better representation of where my heart and mind are. There is little room for doubt when someone is hugging you and means it.
I have found that sometimes I catch myself by surprise as to how I truly feel about something when I'm not putting it out there for everyone and their mother to have an opinion about. I find that my own thoughts can provide me exactly what I need nine times out of ten and if I need input that the people closest to me are more than willing to tell me how it really is from an outside perspective.
Admittedly, there are down sides to not expressing yourself when you probably should. People shouldn't have to guess what you are feeling, you shouldn't expect mind reading to be going on so that you don't have to share the important things in your life. It is each of our responsibility to reach out and ask for help when we need it and tell people when something is wrong.
How we do this depends of course on our past experiences with trust and how we have been helped or hurt by situations and people in them when we shared a painful or scary experience.
Even joyful experiences can have a negative impact on us if someone else can't share in our joy.
One of the things that I have had the chance to evaluate about myself as I started to share a bit less was that I was sometimes only relaying information to people that I thought that they could handle and sugar coating the rest.
Or I would not share because I was afraid of judgment, or ridicule, or because I might hurt someone by sharing my feelings.
In essence I was playing God with my feelings and not trusting those around me to be able to handle who I really was or how I really felt. Which was incredibly selfish and arrogant.
So instead of overthinking my feelings and who can handle them or who can't. I come to the table in full fledged honesty these days, except that I share that honesty with less people and the details for the few friends that I know don't judge or give me tons of advice. Instead they allow me to speak while they listen and they let me work it out through hugs and love and sometimes when asked, words.
Me learning to say less has also allowed me to let other say more. That, in and of itself is a thing that I treasure getting better at. Being a listener allows me to learn more about the people that I care about and to put into practice the love I have for them.
So that next FB post, that next Twitter, that next conversation......decide what really needs to be said and how you really want to say it. Find kindness in your honesty. Without overcomplicating it, find out how you really feel and what you really want to say....that is if you decide to say anything at all.
K
Granted in the past 30 years or so society as a whole has encouraged people to share all of their feelings. Especially those that are sad or angry. Because those feelings are better out than in right?
Well, I'm not sure anymore that people should bare all of their souls or at least we should all be picky about whom we share things with. I have this belief for a number of reasons.
I live with and love an introvert. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep for patience because he is very self sufficient I have also learned from him that many of the things that I have always shared of myself are actually very private to him and in keeping his privacy, private, I have learned that I actually prefer that sometimes myself.
Holding things close to my own inner self has also allowed me at times to step back and decide if the feelings that I have in a situation or with a person are worth expressing or if they are a temporary feeling that will fade. I've become a fan of making sure that I want to make a big deal out of something in the moment or if it's something I need to let go.
Expressing who you are should never be a debate, however, I've learned that words don't always do the best job at expression. That hugs, a smile, and nuances of body language and facial expressions are a better representation of where my heart and mind are. There is little room for doubt when someone is hugging you and means it.
I have found that sometimes I catch myself by surprise as to how I truly feel about something when I'm not putting it out there for everyone and their mother to have an opinion about. I find that my own thoughts can provide me exactly what I need nine times out of ten and if I need input that the people closest to me are more than willing to tell me how it really is from an outside perspective.
Admittedly, there are down sides to not expressing yourself when you probably should. People shouldn't have to guess what you are feeling, you shouldn't expect mind reading to be going on so that you don't have to share the important things in your life. It is each of our responsibility to reach out and ask for help when we need it and tell people when something is wrong.
How we do this depends of course on our past experiences with trust and how we have been helped or hurt by situations and people in them when we shared a painful or scary experience.
Even joyful experiences can have a negative impact on us if someone else can't share in our joy.
One of the things that I have had the chance to evaluate about myself as I started to share a bit less was that I was sometimes only relaying information to people that I thought that they could handle and sugar coating the rest.
Or I would not share because I was afraid of judgment, or ridicule, or because I might hurt someone by sharing my feelings.
In essence I was playing God with my feelings and not trusting those around me to be able to handle who I really was or how I really felt. Which was incredibly selfish and arrogant.
So instead of overthinking my feelings and who can handle them or who can't. I come to the table in full fledged honesty these days, except that I share that honesty with less people and the details for the few friends that I know don't judge or give me tons of advice. Instead they allow me to speak while they listen and they let me work it out through hugs and love and sometimes when asked, words.
Me learning to say less has also allowed me to let other say more. That, in and of itself is a thing that I treasure getting better at. Being a listener allows me to learn more about the people that I care about and to put into practice the love I have for them.
So that next FB post, that next Twitter, that next conversation......decide what really needs to be said and how you really want to say it. Find kindness in your honesty. Without overcomplicating it, find out how you really feel and what you really want to say....that is if you decide to say anything at all.
K
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Beautiful
It has been a long time since I could look at myself and see a beautiful person. There is this odd block that comes out and hides it from me. Or I hide it from myself. Like most people I have moments where I feel like I look fat, where I realize that I've been snapping at someone when i should have walked away, when I look in a mirror and fight to see something that is left of the person that I want to be.
I've never been a person to buy into the whole pretty girls syndrome where my nails had to be done, my hair had to be perfect, and I actually cared if I looked fat in my jeans.
I have however always been that woman who took pride in being nice to people, giving of myself because I wanted to, and being defined by how smart I was, what books I read, and how much I was capable of loving.
I look at those things now and I still believe them to be important but as I grow older I've started caring a bit more about how I look, because looking (and being) healthy isn't as easy as it might have been ten years ago.
This is an exceptable things, if I didn't want to be perfect, and ok, and not a sick person.
I love environments where no one knows my past and hate environments where it comes up and I have to share the story.
In the beginning I was proud that I was a survivor, that I had made it, that I was living life like a normal person, that I had beat death!
Now sometimes it's just exhausting to be the poster child for double organ transplant patients. Don't get me wrong I am proud. But I don't want that to be the newest way that I've found to identify myself. I would love at this point not to be brave, but to be smart or even hot. There's less pressure.
I remember being so not worried about looks, or health, or intelligence in my early twenties, being outspoken and passionate, and in you face.
After surgery I did a 180. I became low-key, and passive, and the "sure, whatever you want" girl. If that were my natural state of being then it wouldn't even be worth discussion. But I'm not.
I'm a doer. I'm a firery, passionate, compassionate. loving, I care too much not to say what I feel and think kinda girl.
And I think that I've been lost, and not myself for a very long time. I want me back, and I'm no longer overly concerned as to whether you, or Joe Schmoe, or the neighbor, or the people at work, or the little old lady down the street think that I'm beautiful.
I want to grow into a beautiful being that keeps creating, and loving, and living, and hugging, and giving myself out to anyone who wants to come along for the ride. I want to not worry about who I was or who I will be but only focus on who I am, and see her as the beautiful creature that she is in the moment. Flaws and all.
I think that woman would be really beautiful.
I've never been a person to buy into the whole pretty girls syndrome where my nails had to be done, my hair had to be perfect, and I actually cared if I looked fat in my jeans.
I have however always been that woman who took pride in being nice to people, giving of myself because I wanted to, and being defined by how smart I was, what books I read, and how much I was capable of loving.
I look at those things now and I still believe them to be important but as I grow older I've started caring a bit more about how I look, because looking (and being) healthy isn't as easy as it might have been ten years ago.
This is an exceptable things, if I didn't want to be perfect, and ok, and not a sick person.
I love environments where no one knows my past and hate environments where it comes up and I have to share the story.
In the beginning I was proud that I was a survivor, that I had made it, that I was living life like a normal person, that I had beat death!
Now sometimes it's just exhausting to be the poster child for double organ transplant patients. Don't get me wrong I am proud. But I don't want that to be the newest way that I've found to identify myself. I would love at this point not to be brave, but to be smart or even hot. There's less pressure.
I remember being so not worried about looks, or health, or intelligence in my early twenties, being outspoken and passionate, and in you face.
After surgery I did a 180. I became low-key, and passive, and the "sure, whatever you want" girl. If that were my natural state of being then it wouldn't even be worth discussion. But I'm not.
I'm a doer. I'm a firery, passionate, compassionate. loving, I care too much not to say what I feel and think kinda girl.
And I think that I've been lost, and not myself for a very long time. I want me back, and I'm no longer overly concerned as to whether you, or Joe Schmoe, or the neighbor, or the people at work, or the little old lady down the street think that I'm beautiful.
I want to grow into a beautiful being that keeps creating, and loving, and living, and hugging, and giving myself out to anyone who wants to come along for the ride. I want to not worry about who I was or who I will be but only focus on who I am, and see her as the beautiful creature that she is in the moment. Flaws and all.
I think that woman would be really beautiful.
Friday, November 22, 2013
A Mindless Life of First World Problems
There are things that I have now that when I was young I never had and therefore never worried about. As a teenager and in my twenties I dreamt of a house, a husband, a job, and kids. I had huge goals of the type of person that I would be, the kind of life that I would lead, and the things that I would do.
We live in a country where we can do that. Where going to college is something that every person can do if they want to. That we can think of a profession or a job and if it's really what we want to do we can almost always find a way to make it happen.
We literally live in a huge world of choices and opportunity.
And most of the time we take it for granted. Most times, having so many choices makes us unwilling to make a choice in case we are wrong, or God forbid, someone holds us accountable for our choices.
The problems that we have in our lives (well, these are kind of specific to mine) are "Hey, I wanted to get new shoes because the brown ones that I have are kind of beat up" or "I have to pay back my student loan starting the first of the year" or " My job title is System Administrator Intermediate I really should be a System Administrator Senior" or "My teenager is driving me nuts I really wish I could give him to someone else until he grows out of this phase" or "I left my cell phone at home" or......insert your issue here.
In our lives, we have expectations. Life should be fair. I deserve that job that pays more, I deserve a big house for my family. I should be healthy I eat right and exercise. I need that car, tv, computer, cell phone, vacation.....again, fill in your "need" here.
What I have come to realize in my own selfishness is that everything that I have, I have because I lucked into it. I was born in a fair, stable, most people aren't starving to death country. To amazing parents who did the best that they could, married a wonderful man and adopted a great kid.
I have two cats and two dogs. I have a job that allows me to have credit cards and let's me pay for my college education. Oh, wait, I have a college education. I live in one of the best medical communities in the United States so my life was saved by a transplant almost 4 years ago.
I didn't provide any of this for myself. I lucked into living where I live, having the family that I have, and being able to get great medical care.
I think that sometimes we misunderstand what we are really entitled to. Clean water, food, a safe place to sleep and live. Those are basic human needs. Anything beyond that and we should stop our complaining.
I am a perfect example of this. I constantly want better than what I have, which in some cases allows me to grow, and have goals, and expand my knowledge and experience. On the other hand this discontent can also affect the people around me when my expectation is of perfect at every given moment and never about being content with where I am at. Most times the expectations that I have for myself are even higher.
We most times don't want to work for anything. I mean really, really work.
Consider this, people in Africa that are farmers consider it an honor to grow food for themselves because otherwise they would starve, and so would most of their village and family. Think about the fact that these same people don't have running water, or electricity, or phones, or a TV.
That the majority of their day is spent, surviving. But that they are joyful and grateful, because they are alive. How many of us would get up at 4am to work all day until the sun went down. Then walk 2 miles each way to get clean water to drink, fix rice for dinner, and then sleep for 8 hours to get up and do it all again? And do it with determination, joy, and to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others?
It's hard for any of us to know what it is to live that life or even anything remotely close to it. Our lives are lived in convenience. Even the poorest of us.
It's not always fair to compare yourself to others, but in most cases if it will humble us out and allow us to be grateful for anything we have it's well worth it.
I need to look around me and stop complaining. I need to be grateful and gracious with my giving of money, time, and love, because I started off with so much of that to begin with.
I need to realize that my life has an affect on others and that I have a choice as to how my love, words, and actions affect them.
And I need to try and narrow down what I actually need. Realize how much overflow I have, and not only be grateful but be giving in sharing with others.
Live a life of impact by living a life of gratitude that encourages you to share all that you have with those who need it most. That is a goal I can be proud of, and happy with.
Much love.
K
We live in a country where we can do that. Where going to college is something that every person can do if they want to. That we can think of a profession or a job and if it's really what we want to do we can almost always find a way to make it happen.
We literally live in a huge world of choices and opportunity.
And most of the time we take it for granted. Most times, having so many choices makes us unwilling to make a choice in case we are wrong, or God forbid, someone holds us accountable for our choices.
The problems that we have in our lives (well, these are kind of specific to mine) are "Hey, I wanted to get new shoes because the brown ones that I have are kind of beat up" or "I have to pay back my student loan starting the first of the year" or " My job title is System Administrator Intermediate I really should be a System Administrator Senior" or "My teenager is driving me nuts I really wish I could give him to someone else until he grows out of this phase" or "I left my cell phone at home" or......insert your issue here.
In our lives, we have expectations. Life should be fair. I deserve that job that pays more, I deserve a big house for my family. I should be healthy I eat right and exercise. I need that car, tv, computer, cell phone, vacation.....again, fill in your "need" here.
What I have come to realize in my own selfishness is that everything that I have, I have because I lucked into it. I was born in a fair, stable, most people aren't starving to death country. To amazing parents who did the best that they could, married a wonderful man and adopted a great kid.
I have two cats and two dogs. I have a job that allows me to have credit cards and let's me pay for my college education. Oh, wait, I have a college education. I live in one of the best medical communities in the United States so my life was saved by a transplant almost 4 years ago.
I didn't provide any of this for myself. I lucked into living where I live, having the family that I have, and being able to get great medical care.
I think that sometimes we misunderstand what we are really entitled to. Clean water, food, a safe place to sleep and live. Those are basic human needs. Anything beyond that and we should stop our complaining.
I am a perfect example of this. I constantly want better than what I have, which in some cases allows me to grow, and have goals, and expand my knowledge and experience. On the other hand this discontent can also affect the people around me when my expectation is of perfect at every given moment and never about being content with where I am at. Most times the expectations that I have for myself are even higher.
We most times don't want to work for anything. I mean really, really work.
Consider this, people in Africa that are farmers consider it an honor to grow food for themselves because otherwise they would starve, and so would most of their village and family. Think about the fact that these same people don't have running water, or electricity, or phones, or a TV.
That the majority of their day is spent, surviving. But that they are joyful and grateful, because they are alive. How many of us would get up at 4am to work all day until the sun went down. Then walk 2 miles each way to get clean water to drink, fix rice for dinner, and then sleep for 8 hours to get up and do it all again? And do it with determination, joy, and to make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others?
It's hard for any of us to know what it is to live that life or even anything remotely close to it. Our lives are lived in convenience. Even the poorest of us.
It's not always fair to compare yourself to others, but in most cases if it will humble us out and allow us to be grateful for anything we have it's well worth it.
I need to look around me and stop complaining. I need to be grateful and gracious with my giving of money, time, and love, because I started off with so much of that to begin with.
I need to realize that my life has an affect on others and that I have a choice as to how my love, words, and actions affect them.
And I need to try and narrow down what I actually need. Realize how much overflow I have, and not only be grateful but be giving in sharing with others.
Live a life of impact by living a life of gratitude that encourages you to share all that you have with those who need it most. That is a goal I can be proud of, and happy with.
Much love.
K
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Married Romance......
My husband bought me a chest freezer today. Then we went to Costco, got a membership and went shopping. It's one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever done for me.
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
On the surface, many people (mostly women) would scoff at the idea that buying someone a chest freezer and a membership to a warehouse club is romantic. However I disagree.
We as a society have bought into the whole romantic ideal, that flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are what really win over a woman's heart. As a pragmatic and independent woman, I would like to state for the record that those things are not always what win me over.
Don't get me wrong, I love when he comes home and announces that he is taking me to dinner without the company of our son or anyone else. I love when he takes me on a date night, or we have a romantic weekend away just the two of us.
I also love when he orders pizza and plays video games with our son so that I can go hide behind a book in our room for the rest of the night. I love that at the thrift store he tells me to buy whatever I want in the clothing section, even though I already have a closet full of clothing. And I love that he took the time to go to the different warehouse clubs, find the best deal, pay for our membership and chose the store that had more organic food items and household item choices because that is what I wanted.
Romance in it's essence is doing something that the other person really wants, even if you don't want it, even if you have to sacrifice something of what you want to get it. Nothing will romance a woman faster than knowing her preferences and giving them to her without complaint.
A romantic gift for me can run the gambit from eating at a vegan restaurant (no one else in my family likes it) to taking me to see a chick flick (again, I am the only woman in my home). It can be as simple as purchasing a chest freezer so that I can cook healthier foods for our family and we have a place to store them.
Flowers are amazing, but they die, chocolate is great but I'm diabetic, and jewelry is wonderful but my wedding rings are the only jewelry I need.
I think that movies, society, and even other women sometimes tell us what romance is and what is should be and how men should treat us. Well, I believe that is something that each couple defines and learns for themselves. If you want flowers and your husband knows that and does it, it's a win. If he loves tools and you take him to pick out whatever he wants at Harbor Freight, also a win.
You can't put a price tag or a description on each couple's love, that is for them to decide together.
And so I sit in our room and write this with a heart full of love for my husband, because after almost six years we are still learning and growing into the best ways to romance each other.
And today it was with a freezer.
Tomorrow is could be something different, and learning that for each of us is half the fun.
K
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Welcome back FieryRedhead
So it will be two months since my last blog post tomorrow. I figured that I had enough time away from writing to the public to come back and hopefully write something of substance. You see, I only write when I am affected greatly by something, be it spiritually, emotionally, or physically. My need to write typically doesn't come in the positive times in my life.
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
That being said, sometimes things are too close to home to write about in the moment. Things hurt too deeply, they take over a part of my life and until I can look at them in an "I learned from this" perspective I have no desire or quite honestly no purpose to write.
If my brain, heart, and hurt are all over the place it makes it incredibly hard to make sense of where I am at, let alone to share that with others in a way that might be useful to them.
And let's face it, we read blog postings to learn from what others have experienced, to look and see what we might be able to do better, to learn that others are as human as we are.
So I will start there. I owe many people in my life an apology. They know who they are, and I am hoping that this post will be enough.
I was not loving you enough. I was selfish, and judgmental, and incredibly short sighted. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse. I am sorry that me being so self involved hurt our relationship and that I couldn't look past my own life to see how lovely and important your life is.
I believe wholeheartedly that where I am now is where I am meant to be in this moment, a place of humility, thought, and most of all, love.
I had tried most of my life to surround myself and the people that were with me in love, acceptance, and joy. I stumbled just now and all of us felt it.
I focused too much on what others wanted, to the point where I became resentful and bitter. To the point where I stopped caring about he needs of others and pulled back the love from you to give to myself.
I have learned that I need to be ok with who I am so that I can be filled to overflowing as I was before. I have learned that sacrifice of what I want is not always the answer when it is not truly sacrifice but something I feel obligated to do.
I have learned that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, spirit, and mind in order to give my best to those around me. I have mostly learned that I will never be at the place I want to be, that the love that I want to be surrounded with and that I want to give to others is always a work in progress.
I am more comfortable with where my heart is now, more than ever, because I don't see loving as an obligation, but as it is meant to be, a gift, a choice, and something that requires effort but not work.
I am going back to the passionate, loving, giving, free - spirited woman that existed for so long in this world before she became afraid of consequences, terrified of letting people down, and worried that her humanity was a weakness.
I am back to my fiery redheaded self. The woman that loves unconditionally, who holds back only hurtful impulses, and who accepts readily who she is and who you are.
My purpose is to love beyond all expectations, every single one of the people in my life and outside of it as a representative of positive change and positive influence. If I lose sight of that love, I ask you to please remind me of who I am meant to be.
With this post I promise to look further into my heart to bring out the love, the sincerity, and the hope that was absent for a while. I also ask that you be patient, because along with the passion and love comes anger and emotion, recklessness and humanity, and a need to search out my own truth.
What I am saying is that perfection is unattainable, but I am learning to accept my own flaws, and with that be able to grow them into something different.
I love you all for being patient and loving with me. For holding me up when I let myself down. For giving me your attention and your time.
I look forward to this life that will always be a changing, growing, amazing blessing. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with all of you.
Much love always.
K
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Perspective - A reposting......
I was going to write a new blog post today - since it's my spiritual birthday - but then I re-read this one and felt that I had said everything I needed to say about my love for God, and for people, here.
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
Much love all.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Who am I kidding, it's been a tough month, year, life. I praise God that I have Him, that I am gifted with my incredible, amazing husband. An incredibly loving kiddo. Friends and family that have always been and will always be there. I could not do it without any of you.
Recently however, I have allowed my view of myself to become something that I'm not proud of. It's taken some incredibly humbling experiences and some deep conversations for me to find that I have changed.
A lot of that change was necessary. A lot of that change I wanted and welcomed. The majority of that change was exactly what God had planned for me. However, I realized in the last month that a lot of the changing that I was doing was not for God, it was for others.
I have had months of praying for God to show me the right path to take, I have taken advice from people more knowledgeable about the Kingdom of God than myself, I have very seriously looked at my character, my personality, and my faith together and had a whole bunch of heart to heart discussions with everyone from God, to Christians, to Buddhists, to Humanists. What I realized was there is such a thing as too much input.
You see, the whole concept of leading a Godly life is based on, well, God. His word, His son, and the blessings and sufferings that come with that. It's simply that, the most important relationship in my life that I will ever have. Something that I continue to learn about, grow in, and allow God to direct the relationship while I learn to be more like Jesus and learn to love better. Learn to love EVERYONE better.
What I have found in my God-discovery, is that I am not better than anyone else. I don't know better than anyone else, and that I am flawed, imperfect, and sometimes downright horrible. Quite honestly, it's kind of a scary thing. But necessary for me to be able to allow God to work in my life.
But I hit a stumbling block, I was starting to allow other people, not God, not his word, and not his love, to define my relationship with Him. All I could see was what I did wrong. And when that started happening, I stopped looking for grace in myself and in others, and I saw judgment instead.
I saw well intentioned help as punishment, I saw accountability as judgment, and I saw my own imperfection in others.
So I have needed to step back from people who wanted to tell me who I should be for a while, even if they had the best of intentions, to take another look at myself through the eyes of God and weed out the truth of how he sees me from the truth of how others did.
I'm not impartial, I'm not perfect, and I'm not close to being ok with a lot of the people in my life, some will read this and love it, others will be saddened, and others angry.
But it's not about them. It's about God, it's about his view of me and how a while back I lost that. I stopped seeing that he loved me unconditionally and started thinking that their were limits as to how much He could love me, because I put limits on how much I could love me.
Then I remembered that sin, or issues, or problems, or whatever you might choose to call it, work out in one of two ways; either you grow something beautiful out of it, as painful and hard as that may be, or you sit where you are and wait for someone else to tell you that you are ok.
I decided to go with God, and his grace and mercy. To allow his grace to come and wash over me, because I believe. I believe that holiness still exists in me, that honesty is a deep part of my character, and that I am accountable to the people that I love in this world.
For a while I lost sight of who some of those people were and excluded them from the love that God fills me with to freely give.
I will never be able to fulfill my promises to God without fulfilling the need for love to those around me. I truly believe that love is God's preferred method of teaching regardless of the growth opportunities he presents.
So I have a new perspective, and it's hard, but it's according to God's truth, and my conscience that I learn it, I love and accept all that God gives me, amazing, horrific, tragic, and joyful. Because without all of it I could never ever get close to being the amazing creation I was intended to be.
Growth comes directly from experiences that don't give us a choice but to move in one direction or the other. And I will choose love every time. Judgment is my nature, but love is who I am meant to be.
Know that I love you, whomever you are reading this. And know that the love that I feel for you has increased daily since we met. If we have struggled together or apart, there is a reason. Know that I hope that it is love that brings us together every time we meet and that if it isn't I ask you to tell me when you aren't feeling my love, because that will allow me to grow in it.
May love be your resting place and mine as well,
K
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