I love my husband

Every person that I know that is married goes through phases in their marriage.  Sometimes its the my spouse is so amazing I can't stand how much I love this person, sometimes its the I'm going to give them what they want to that they will stop bugging me, sometimes its the we need to give each other space so that the hurt can lessen so that we can talk about it phase.
This world sells us a fairytale from the time that we are born that once we find "that person" then everything will be ok. That they will fulfill every possible need that we have and that we will be happy from that day forward.  For lack of better terminology, that is an utter and complete lie.
Marriage is work.  It is hurt feelings, it is accepting another human being exactly as they are forever, and not changing them, or trying to change them but letting them grow into who they were meant to be  not who you want them to be.  Marriage is consciously putting someone else's need before your own, it is trying not to hurt them, and when you are human and you do hurt them, its feeling bad about it and trying to make it better.
Marriage has had speakers talk about it, books written about it, and people for and against it.  It has been looked at as an amazing and beautiful thing and a trap.  Everyone has an opinion about it, and everyone questions their thoughts and feelings about it.
But it all comes down to one thing, not did he take the garbage out or did she do the dishes.  Not what he bought you for your birthday or how often she wears that outfit that you like.  These things are what we do out of love for our spouse.  Marriage is about commitment.  Yes, I put the word commitment first on purpose.  Feelings are unstable and have personally caused me to struggle in life a lot more than if I didn't have such strong ones, but making a conscious choice every day when you wake up to stay with the person that you married allows the freedom for love to grow, for fun to be had, and for problems and issues to be talked about and worked through.
I titled this entry on my blog I love my husband because I wanted to remind everyone out there what it is to be gifted with an amazing spouse.  I'm sure I'll forget something but here are only some of the reasons why I love my husband and there is no other man that could ever take his place:

He loves me more unconditionally than any other human being ever has
He has been my rock through so many illnesses that I can't even count
He doesn't push me to do something when he knows that I physically or emotionally can't handle it
He makes sure that he spends time with me for at least an hour before bed, so that we keep our connection
He locks the door in the morning when he leaves and that makes me feel safe and protected
He is an amazing dad.  He loves Luke so much and I love the softness in his face when he looks at our son
He can talk me down when I am overwhelmed and out of control emotionally
He is the complete opposite of me so all of his strengths are at my disposal when I need them
He provides for our family without complaint or hesitation
He has a sense of honor and duty that defines his character in the most amazing way.
He is brilliantly intelligent, he can figure anything out if given the opportunity
He has a wonderful sense of humor and when he laughs so hard that tears come out its a beautiful thing to watch
He has this amazing soft spot for animals and they always love him
He calls me tiny and makes me feel feminine and loved
He can pick me up literally for a hug and makes me feel safe
He picked me, and pursued me, until he got me
His loyalty to me and our family is unquestionable
He is brave and will fight for those who can't fight for themselves
He's got my back, always.
He sometimes goes against what he wants to give me what I want
He says that quality time for us is all the time that we spend together
He holds my hand when we sit on the front porch in the summer in the cool of the night
He rolls with the changes in our lives incredibly easily
He loves me forever and I don't doubt it.

I could go on and on about Eric and some of you may wonder what I didn't just send this to him.  What is the special celebration?  Why post this now?  Because every day, everyone should know that my husband is amazing. Everyday, everyone should know how beautiful and wonderful his heart can be.  And everyday, he should be reminded that God picked us for each other and that good, bad, or ugly we are each other's greatest gift.

I love you Eric.

K

Choices

Proverbs 8 has always been one of my favorite things to read, especially when I am in the middle of making a decision between right and wrong, a choice that could really change my life for better or worse, mainly because the entire thing is about wisdom, God's and not mine, and it reminds me every time that everything I need to know, all that God is trying to protect me from and encourage me to choose is there if I chose to hear it.
Wisdom’s Call
1 Does not wisdom call out?
    Does not understanding raise her voice?
² At the highest point along the way,
    where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
³ beside the gate leading into the city,
    at the entrance, she cries aloud:
⁴ “To you, O people, I call out;
    I raise my voice to all mankind.
⁵ You who are simple, gain prudence;
    you who are foolish, set your hearts on it.^[a]
6 Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say;
    I open my lips to speak what is right.
⁷ My mouth speaks what is true,
    for my lips detest wickedness.
⁸ All the words of my mouth are just;
    none of them is crooked or perverse.
⁹ To the discerning all of them are right;
    they are upright to those who have found knowledge.
¹⁰ Choose my instruction instead of silver,
    knowledge rather than choice gold,
¹¹ for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
    and nothing you desire can compare with her.

¹² “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
    I possess knowledge and discretion.
¹³ To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
    I hate pride and arrogance,
    evil behavior and perverse speech.
¹⁴ Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
    I have insight, I have power.
¹⁵ By me kings reign
    and rulers issue decrees that are just;
¹⁶ by me princes govern,
    and nobles—all who rule on earth.^[b]
17 I love those who love me,
    and those who seek me find me.
¹⁸ With me are riches and honor,
    enduring wealth and prosperity.
¹⁹ My fruit is better than fine gold;
    what I yield surpasses choice silver.
²⁰ I walk in the way of righteousness,
    along the paths of justice,
²¹ bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me
    and making their treasuries full.

²² “The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,^[c][d]
    before his deeds of old;
²³ I was formed long ages ago,
    at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
²⁴ When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
    when there were no springs overflowing with water;
²⁵ before the mountains were settled in place,
    before the hills, I was given birth,
²⁶ before he made the world or its fields
    or any of the dust of the earth.
²⁷ I was there when he set the heavens in place,
    when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
²⁸ when he established the clouds above
    and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
²⁹ when he gave the sea its boundary
    so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
³⁰     Then I was constantly^[e] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
    rejoicing always in his presence,
³¹ rejoicing in his whole world
    and delighting in mankind.

³² “Now then, my children, listen to me;
    blessed are those who keep my ways.
³³ Listen to my instruction and be wise;
    do not disregard it.
³⁴ Blessed are those who listen to me,
    watching daily at my doors,
    waiting at my doorway.
³⁵ For those who find me find life
    and receive favor from the Lord.
³⁶ But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
    all who hate me love death.

 

One of the reasons I love to read this is because it is the most beautiful description of what the wisdom in my life should look like.  That the choices that I make influence the person that I am and the person I will become.  That things that seem like a big deal, don't really have to be, they are much more simple than I like to make them.  That sometimes the small choices that I make are full of meaning, to love when someone is unlovable.  To set boundaries when something will not be to God's glory, to show my husband respect.  How to be wise with my words, my actions, my silence.  How to look at a situation and see it as I should and not how I want to. To be grateful for the ability to choose wisdom.

Because let's face it, in this life you make choice after choice after choice.  You won't always make the right one, and sometimes you won't want to make the right one.  But regardless, wisdom is there if you look for it, search it out, or even just read Proverbs 8.  The amazing thing about choices is that we have them.  That we can choose to use them as we wish, we can overcome the most amazing things if we chose light over darkness, if we decide to use the choices that we are given to better the lives of others, to make ourselves into the creatures we are capable of being, and to even in small ways affect other people and situations.

Wisdom is an amazing thing, it out weighs feelings, attitudes, and perspective. When used it can change a world that is hurting, or just a person that needs to hear the love and truth within it.

I pray for the wisdom described above, and that I choose to use it to the purpose God has set me to, regardless of what that might mean for me.  I wish that wisdom for you as well.

In love,

 

K

Intent and the Heart

What I find at the age of 41 and the spiritual age of 2 and a half is that it isn't the big things that throw off my way of thinking or the intentions of my heart. It's the little ones. Throw chronic illness, and emotional trauma my way and I can handle it with God's help. I pray, I surrender the whole thing right over to God. I don't think twice, I know that the big stuff I just can't handle on my own.

But the little stuff. Wow. It gets me every time. Someone slamming a door in my face. Someone telling me that I'm not smart enough. My son preferring his TV to spending time with me. My husband not telling me that he loves me for two days.

None of these things reflect truth in reality. I know that someone would not purposefully slam a door in my face. I know that I've been blessed with intelligence (if not always common sense), I know that my son loves me but it's not really cool to hang out with your mom at 15, and I know with every ounce of my being that my husband loves me more and more every day and will be with me in the world until the day that one of us doesn't live here any longer.

But that heart of mine just doesn't want to believe it.

The intention of my heart is always to serve God, to put others before myself, to live a pure and righteous life. But my heart deceives me every time and being a highly emotional person that can be a destructive force in my life. I want to love unconditionally, but I've certainly got a lot to learn about it. I want to give my everything to God's purpose but trusting God's plan for me is so hard. I am a show it to me kind of girl, which makes faith and trust a hard thing in all parts of my life.

One word. That is all it takes. One word.

That word can lift me up for hours or cast me down for days depending on what it is. So when I say the small stuff, apparently they are so small to me.

I am learning not to define my security or myself by what other people think, but when you love people with your whole heart and soul it's so hard to not do that.

Being vulnerable means getting hurt and getting hurt is not a fun thing.

I read an article today about a man pursuing God in his life and he had this to say:

"So it happened. In a moment of quiet, I experienced God.

The Divine exists as an infinite ocean of energy, an expanse of pure golden light so brilliant that it almost appears white. The love that was emanating and pulsating was so encompassing that language cannot adequately describe it. In fact my mind was too limited to understand. Yet my heart was infinitely expansive enough to feel it all. This energy is free of judgment and expectation, fully encompassing and embracing of all that is, and unconditional in its expression. There are no checklists, rules, or criteria to which one must conform. My life, my perceived mistakes, misfires and shortfalls were enough. I was enough. In fact, I was perfect."

I have experienced this exact feeling, and yet........

In my heart and my head on a daily basis I feel so far from perfect. I beat myself up. I tear myself down, and I let others do it too. My heart takes quite a beating. But this thought that I am loved exactly as I am that I am ENOUGH. That I am PERFECT in God's eyes just made me sob.

I just can't understand what he sees, because I can't yet see it. But that doesn't mean that I won't. God will reveal my perfection as I grow in this life, through loving people, through giving, through allowing others to love me. By experiencing pain, and sorrow. But that thought of how God sees me will see me through I don't have to believe that he loves me that much it's just true.

So when I am struggling with the intentions of my heart, I will look to the love that is given to me, fill myself up on it and go on in joy. I was not promised a life without suffering, but I was also promised a life of love.
Praise God for showing me exactly what my heart needs to know.

K